Love and Hate
“It’s a thin line between love and hate…” –The Persuaders
Hate is a strong word. But during a divorce or separation, it may feel like the only word that describes your feelings toward a former life partner. As once-wholesome feelings of love and adoration transform into their ugly opposites — disgust, criticism, and even hatred — your ex (or soon-to-be ex) may likely be the last person on the planet you want to see or speak to ever again.
However, when you have kids together, things can get a little… tricky. A person you may have otherwise avoided in perpetuity after divorce is still your partner in a very real sense — your partner in parenting. And hostile feelings like hatred belong nowhere near a co-parenting arrangement.
Handling Conflict
If you’ve experienced a painful divorce, you know how difficult it can be to set aside anger or resentment when discussing finances, custody, or any of the other logistics related to the dividing of a household. However, when co-parenting with an ex, it is essential to put our personal feelings aside and focus on the wellbeing of the child(ren).
At Wevorce, we frequently stress the importance of not fighting in front of the kids. This behavior isn’t productive, plus it is emotionally damaging and frightening for children. If you’ve mastered the art of arguing constructively (learning how to disagree on uncomfortable topics without fighting), we applaud you.
Even if you refrain from fighting in front of the kids, it’s also not healthy for children when their parents view one another as an enemy. Private feelings of hostility can still give way to unkind words and actions that often complicate co-parenting arrangements. For instance, if a Reactor hasn’t yet processed her feelings of resentment toward her former spouse, who played the role of the Initiator in the divorce, these feelings can motivate unkind or undermining words — words that affect her children. (Read more information about the Reactor and Initiator roles in our Divorce Archetype™ profiles.)
Sometimes it may be both helpful and necessary to see a professional therapist to receive help processing negative thoughts and emotions. A licensed therapist trained in the matters of the family can usually help improve communication skills and offer solutions to better handle disagreements. ;
Focus on the Children
It may also be helpful to think back to how you reacted to your own parents’ disagreements when you were a child. If you witnessed angry fights between your parents, how did it make you feel? Did you feel uncomfortable and unsafe? You may have even felt that your future was uncertain or that it was somehow your fault they were not getting along. Your little ones may very likely be experiencing the same feelings, so do your best to protect them from unnecessary strife.
Also, remember: just because your marital relationship resulted in divorce, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure either as a spouse or as a parent. And it certainly shouldn’t have negative implications upon your parent-child relationships. Just because you and your former spouse may not be able to remain together, that doesn’t mean you are somehow bad parents.
Now that you are divorcing (or divorced), the roles you’ve played as a married couple are merely shifting to those as co-parents to your children. Try and see this as a valuable opportunity to spend more quality time with your children and to improve your existing relationship with them.
Invest Attention Elsewhere
Remember the time and attention you invested in your marriage? Now is the perfect opportunity to reassess where you are spending that energy. It’s helpful to acknowledge that, after a divorce, the physical absence of a spouse often leaves an emotional void that may feel impossible to fill. Many people’s natural response to this emptiness involves being consumed with guilt, grief, or anger. While feeling some hostility is perfectly normal at first, it’s important — even crucial — that you try to fill that void with activities and relationships that help alleviate your pain and give you a renewed sense of purpose.
Consider taking kickboxing lessons or signing up for weekly yoga sessions. Or, channel your frustrations toward the pavement as you begin a running regimen. Physical exercise does wonders to release negative feelings — which is an important part of the healing process.
(Try to) See the Good
While the positive feelings you may have had for your spouse have likely lessened in intensity (if not soured completely), it may be helpful to remember that children are physical evidence of their parents’ character traits. Even if a marriage has ended, can you reflect on the good that has come out of it? After all, your child is something of a miracle, and physical evidence of you and your ex’s previous commitment to one another.
Also, consider the positive qualities you saw in your former spouse that are now evident in your children. Maybe you were drawn to your ex’s sense of humor or musical talent. Are you seeing a similar good-natured personality or creative bent developing in your children? These qualities that endear you to your children may also help soften any harsh feelings you might have toward your ex.
Children also tend to display the less desirable aspects of their parents’ personalities, but due to their innocence, sometimes it’s easier to forgive their flaws and focus on their strengths. Is it possible to bear this same nonjudgmental attitude for your former spouse, as well, with the hope that it is reciprocated in kind when they think of you?
Healing from a painful divorce doesn’t happen overnight. But with patience, effort, and empathy, it is possible to eliminate the hatred that may be residing in your heart and important for your own wellbeing. Your future happiness — and that of your children — depends on it.
