Recently, on the Wevorce blog, we opened up a conversation about Divorce Archetype profiles, and offered a preview of groundbreaking research we’ve compiled over recent years. This post begins the first in our series: Divorce Archetype™ Profiles Uncovered.

Wevorce’s Divorce Archetype assessment was developed to provide a framework for understanding the human mind, and within that, understanding the patterns of relationships, namely, how we attract partners and how we uncouple.

By discovering your Divorce Archetype profiles, you will be arming yourself with a road map to connect intellectual strengths (reason, clarity, higher consciousness) with heart strengths (empathy, creativity, patience), rather than allowing instinctual reactions  motivated by fear and self-preservation  to control and make life-changing decisions.

Wevorce CEO and founder Michelle Crosby believes that “we’re all human and we’re all flawed, but through divorce we can become conscious of our patterns and use them to deepen our understanding of how we love and commit to our partners.” It is with pattern understanding that we can get to the root of conflict, rather than slapping a Band-Aid over the wound.

Initiator vs. Reactor.

Today, we are going to explore two Divorce Archetype profiles that we refer to as “Influencers.” In other words, they are often accurate predictors of behavior during a divorce. These profiles are: Initiator vs. Reactor. Every divorce will have an Initiator (one who has reached their breaking point) and Reactor (one who isn’t ready to face it). The only variant may be when an additional archetypal layer is added due to an affair, during which delicate emotions may seem to be wrapped in barbed wire. (The archetype topic Infidelity will be explored in a future article.) Another constant in divorce is the pain, shame, and grief that each partner will experience. These are usually heavy-duty feelings that can rock the boat in even the most amicable process.

As you read further, remember that this isn’t a one-size-fits-all analysis, but provided as a tool to unpack those emotional burdens that are a built-in part of divorce.

Profile: Initiator.

The Initiator profile is just what it sounds like, you are the one to ask for a divorce. In most cases, an Initiator has reached this decision because you can no longer stay in a marriage as it is, and the longer you stay, the worse it seems to get. You may have been thinking about your options for a long time. You have likely tried to communicate with your spouse, but feel unheard and unseen. At Wevorce, we have found that most Initiators has finally reached the point where they just want to be free to move beyond the constant struggle.

As Initiator, showing kindness can be a struggle, but it’s crucial. Despite the fact that you are probably ready to get the divorce process over with quickly and move on, your partner is most likely at square one. They will need time to grieve the loss of the marriage, to reach the point where they can move past their anger and heal the pain. You’ve already gone through this process, so try your best to show your partner the respect they deserve and allow them the same benefit. Slow yourself down and allow them to catch up.

Remember, there is a difference between an action and a reaction. To act upon something is a conscious decision. To react is an automatic response to something, generally stemming from (and expressed through) emotions. As the Initiator, your decision has likely been made over time and you act upon this decision. When you ask your spouse for a divorce, whether it comes as a total surprise or not, they will react to your decision. By understanding this, you can be better prepared for your spouse’s reactions.

But first, be certain of what you want. If it’s divorce, remember that letting your spouse talk you into staying could cause more damage in the long-run. Also, a person should never threaten divorce without intent, or take the issue lightly. It’s a serious step, so make sure you are serious about making a decision. Will your spouse be surprised? If so, are you prepared for what they will say, and the questions they will ask?

In Kay Bell’s article, Divorce-101: Asking for a Divorce, she has six tips to help break the news. Bell says, “When you have decided to end your marriage, you should give serious thought to the manner in which you tell your spouse. Presumably you want to find a middle ground between slipping away in the night and booking the Wednesday slot on Maury Povich for a surprise announcement.”

In her article, Bell suggests:

  • Be selective about when and where you have the conversation.
  • Consider your timing.
  • Be kind.
  • Plan ahead.
  • How to handle the discussion if divorce isn’t your idea.
  • Don’t let anger get in your way.

Profile: Reactor.

The Reactor profile is the flip-side, you are the one being asked for a divorce. A Reactor will probably feel powerless when faced with the possibility of losing his or her life partner and home. If you are the Reactor in a divorce, you may not be sure how you ended up here, and might also be unaware of your spouse’s feelings and the erosion of the marriage. Because the Initiator has had more time to think about their decision and is better prepared to move forward, you may feel like an influx of emotions is tearing you apart. You may also feel victimized, and anger and pain may prompt you to place blame, either on yourself or your spouse.

You may think your spouse just woke up one day and decided to ask for a divorce, that the decision was an impulsive, easy way for them to escape the problems they have conceived exist in your marriage. But the opposite is most likely true; we often see that Initiators have been struggling for a long time and they see divorce as their last resort. People make decisions for two reasons: either there is enough pain or enough pleasure that they feel change is necessary.

It’s time for a brave reality check, despite the fact that you may want to hold onto the past like an eight-armed octopus. As difficult as it may be, try not to get stuck in what many psychologists refer to as “victim mentality.” This mindset will only paralyze you when believing you have been wronged, that it is an injustice when a spouse breaks their promise of ‘til death do us part.

Instead, it helps to take an honest look at your relationship. Did the marriage meet all your needs? Or are you looking back at your history through rose-colored glasses and seeing it how you wanted it to be, rather than how it truly was? Were there certain signs along the way that you may have missed? Or is it possible that you hoped the problems in your marriage would just quietly go away?

At the same time, try to be gentle with yourself. When presented with the prospect of divorce, most find themselves reeling from emotional and lifestyle changes. After all, you are grieving the end of your marriage. Give yourself time to digest the emotions and get past them so you can approach the future grounded and make sound decisions.

Under Bell’s last point, “don’t let anger get in your way”, she quotes Sam Marguilies from his book, Getting Divorced without Ruining Your Life. Worthy of repeating here is his insight: “…in every divorce each partner must make a critical choice. You can act out your immediate feelings, and get short-term emotional satisfaction, or you can manage those feelings and pursue long-term interests. You can almost never do both.”

It takes two.

Both an Initiator and Reactor will have his or her own version of what happened to erode the marriage. Agree you will not have a pointless discussion detailing those versions and try to figure out who is more at fault. Do not play the blame game. Understand that it takes two to get to the point of divorce.

How you divorce is as important as how you married. We are bombarded with information on how to attract a partner, but not so much on how to divorce, especially in a healthy, productive way. If we put as much thought, time, and effort into the difficult process of undoing the vows as we did to saying them, we can have a successful divorce and set the tone for happy single lives.

So what can we do?

There’s no sugar coating it. Divorce is a difficult, grueling process of untangling lives, so be sure to give each other respect and kindness. As impossible as it may seem, try to accept that it is over and move on with grace. This may mean saying goodbye to what you had together, but it also entails welcoming what is to come as an individual knowing the end of a marriage means a new beginning.

By also letting go of the emotions binding you to the happily ever afters found in fairy tales, you will take an important step: one of not accepting the stigma of shame and failure associated with calling it quits in your relationship. When facing divorce or separation with a new focus, this perspective will get you through the uncoupling in a gentle, more informed way. We call that a Wevorce.