Okay, first things first. Is there a difference between fighting and arguing? Yes. Many couples believe they are arguing when in fact they are fighting. There is a difference and unfortunately many, maybe even most, people don’t know this fact.
If you make any hurtful, mean comments that demean or degrade your partner in a destructive way, it’s fighting. If being right is your end goal, no matter what, you are fighting. If you easily lose sight of your children’s best interests and it becomes all about you, you are fighting.
On the other hand, if you are merely discussing opposing ideas in an honest, open sharing of information, you are arguing in a productive, positive way. If your conduct provides a constructive life-lesson for your children, you are resolving conflict in the right way.
The fact is most children learn by watching their parents. If you grew up in a household where your parents fought frequently, you may be passing on the same lessons learned to your own children. When children hear yelling, they experience a flood of stress hormones and it takes time for the chemical reaction to subside, possibly hours. Even a sleeping infant will react to raised, angry voices. Bottom line, fighting frightens children, and the world is a scary enough place without it becoming scary at home, too.
All couples have disagreements, conflicting ideas, and different philosophies. All couples argue, perhaps even show anger when having these conversations. That’s okay. It’s okay for children to learn how to discuss issues, and more importantly, resolve them when they arise in life. It’s healthy and productive to exchange ideas when done with respect and honesty. What is not healthy is when those arguments escalate into fighting, because heated communication between parents rarely results in resolution, so they revisit the same sticky, uncomfortable topics again and again.
In his article “Stop Fighting in Front of the Kids,” Dr. Phil says, “Fighting in front of your kids is nothing short of abuse.” He calls for parents to stop justifying it by adding, “The kids are picking up the tab.” Some points he offers are:
- Children learn what they live.
- Why do you think you’re entitled to fight in front of your kids?
- You have a choice: either vent your impulse or love your children.
- Is it (your victory) worth it (trampling over your children)?
- Kids don’t care who’s right.
- Don’t say you can’t control your anger.
If you agree with his points and decide it’s time to change, here is another article by Dr. Phil to help make progress, called “Action Plan to Avoid Fighting in Front of the Kids.
Some advice he gives when fighting erupts is to:
- Turn around and walk away.
- After you walk away, write down what you are thinking and feeling.
- It takes 100 atta girls to erase one “you’re not worth the trouble.”
- Decide on a visual cue with your spouse to signal that a fight is starting.
- If you’re going to have a discussion, take it somewhere private.
- Take the word anger (and other similar words) out of your vocabulary.
- Express your needs to your partner.
- Cooperation, not competition, is the idea./li>
- Share a moment of peace.
Good Morning America’s parenting contributor Ann Pleshette Murphy talks about fighting in front of the kids in her article, “Fighting in Front of the Children, Emotionally Damaging,” on the ABC News GMA website. “When conflicts are handled constructively, kids learn compromise, compassion, and to use humor and warmth to solve disagreements,” Murphy says. “They also learn that conflict with someone you love is not the end of the world.”
She also points out that boys and girls will react differently. “When there is conflict between parents, there are differences in how children react depending on their sex: Boys tend to withdraw, and girls try to get involved,” Murphy says. “This places more of a burden on the children, because they blame themselves if fights continue to flare up.”
Margaret D. Rosen from Parents Magazine has an excellent series of articles based on this important topic called, “How to Fight in Front of the Kids.” She writes, “Honestly, haven’t we all been there? At one time or another, most of us have found ourselves arguing with our partner in the presence of little ears.”
“It’s impossible to agree all the time and wrong to pretend you do,” adds Tovah P. Klein, Ph.D., director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development in New York City.
To have a productive argument, it’s important to learn how to do it in a fair and appropriate way. Communication is a key component, and that includes being able to express your point-of-view effectively but also in knowing how to be an active listener when it’s time for your partner to do the same. Being open-minded, patient, and empathetic are all good skills to add to your tool box when it comes to resolving conflict in a good way.
Research has found that how parents handle issues is significant to their children’s well-being. Don’t fight. Instead, choose to disagree in a healthful manner that teaches children to find resolution in a positive light.
