New here to the site. I have been separated for just over 5 months. This is the second time my wife and I have separated after going on 19 years of marriage. I was in the Marines until last year when I retired. We married young, not really knowing each other, me not really knowing how to be a husband. So there was friction early on in our marriage. Not to mention I was not the most mature person and did a number of stupid things to which I have apologized profusely, nothing over the top. Just actions that showed I wasn’t putting her first. I would go out with the guys and stay out later then I said I was, phone would die and I wouldn’t talk to her for a number of hours, etc. Throughout marriage counseling I realized the errors of my young ways and tried so hard to make amends. But another strain was the constant training to deploy, then the actual deployments. My job was extremely stressful which at the time I never realized how on its affect on my mental state and how I interacted with my wife and kids. To me it was just my normal. But they more then noticed my changes. After 4 back to back combat deployments and a few non, I realized I needed mental help. Over time I saw a therapist and started on meds.
Once I retired, a few months later she said we aren’t compatible, I didn’t communicate the way she needed and a few other things. Well that was a shot to the gut. This was Nov. 8 2019. The entire month of November I practically spent in bed at our rental, now my home. It was the worst feeling I have ever had. I have lost close friends to combat and suicide, I have seen this most fucked up ■■■■ you can think of. Nothing hit me like this. I figured out I cant live like that. So in Dec I flew to Key West and hiked up to Largo. This was about 3 weeks of nothing but time for me to think about me, write, draw and just think.
I feel that trip was a lifesavor. I made notes about things I never thought about. These things were how I was treated in this marriage, the things I did because she wanted them. I thought more into how I changed for her, but recalling she didn’t really change much for me. Then there was the verbal abuse, emotional abuse and a number of physical abuse that I endured throughout our marriage. But even with all that I never thought of divorce, I thought I fell in love with her and I wont quit.
Well we are now on month 5, she has a live in boyfriend for over a month. Hooked up with a number of people before this one. And where am I, better. But only better when I don’t see or talk to her. Text is ok. But anything else it bothers me a lot. I am still damaged, I cant get over that after the length of time we spent together and things we experienced that she was so blasé about our marriage and then goes headfirst into a “relationship” at 4 months ish. Meanwhile if I think of her, see her, or talk to her, there is a good chance ill breakdown and gets waterery eyes.
I hope I am close to getting over her, it really sucks and I feel like I will never have that love again.