I like to think of myself as a pretty cool mom, the kind of mom who doesn’t care if we spend the entire day lounging in pajamas, drinking cocoa and playing Catopoly (like Monopoly, but you buy cats instead of property it’s brilliant). Definitely not the kind of mom who worries about the hormonally challenged tween years. So when my sixth-grader announced that she was going to her first school dance, no one was more surprised than me at my over-the-top reaction.
“Your first school dance? Are you sure you want to go? I mean, have you totally thought this through? We may be out of town that weekend. We probably will be out of town that weekend.”
My daughter looked at me like I’d just sprouted a second head. “Mom? What are you talking about? You don’t even know when it is!”
“Oh. Right. When is it?”
“The Friday before Halloween. I’m going as Wednesday Addams.”
On the outside I was nodding and smiling, but on the inside I was having a full-blown panic attack. My baby was going to her first dance and I was freaking out, probably due to my own awful middle school experience. I won’t bother you with the gory details (mullet hair, cat sweatshirts, one of two members of the school’s cross-stitch club), but there are good reasons why my middle school memories are safely tucked away in my brain’s do-not-disturb vault. However, hearing my daughter utter the words “first school dance” triggered one special memory’s release from the vault.
It was the night of my own first middle school dance and my best friend my only friend and I had high hopes for the evening. I dreamed that the cute, bow-tie-wearing trumpet player would ask me to dance. She dreamed that we would sit in the corner and not be bullied by the popular girls. We knew our dreams were dead the minute we walked through those gymnasium doors and realized we were the only two people wearing Halloween costumes. She was a witch with green face paint and a huge wart on her nose. I was a chubby princess wearing a strapless, floor-length gown and a giant rhinestone tiara atop my mullet. (To this day, my best friend swears we wore costumes because the tickets were a full $2 cheaper if you dressed up. I prefer to believe we wouldn’t have sold ourselves down the river for $2, but I could be wrong.) Suffice to say, it was not a pleasant evening. In fact, for a long time, this dance was my personal mortification yardstick “Could this event be as embarrassing as the Halloween dance? No? Good to go, then.”
So when my own lovely daughter announced that she wanted to dress in costume for her first middle school dance, I was petrified she would suffer a similarly humiliating fate.
Turns out, I didn’t have anything to worry about. My sixth-grade Wednesday Addams had an awesome time and gave me a two-hour, breathless account (mainly about the snacks and the music) at the end of the evening. Apparently, middle school is much less horrific these days. And dances are no longer the slowest slow-dance torture of years past. So if you are facing your own child’s first middle school dance and especially if you are facing it alone, as a newly single parent here are a few pointers to get you into the right headspace.
Get the Basics Down First
Before you delve into the really tough stuff, like “Should I chaperone?” , you have to know the nuts and bolts. Just think like a journalist and ask the five Ws: Who, What, When, Where and Why?
Who? Many schools have student-only dances, but some allow students to bring a guest from another middle school. At my daughter’s school, the requirement was one guest between the ages of 11 and 14 per participant. The guest’s parents usually need to sign some sort of waiver or approval form. Make sure your child brings this home at least a week before the big event, so you don’t have any tears of disappointment when your guest gets turned away for lack of proper paperwork. My kid brought a friend who recently transferred to another school and who, ironically enough, showed up at my house dressed as a witch. Yes, I had to fight hard to quell the impending sense of doom. At least she didn’t have a wart on her nose.
What? Is there a theme? A lot of schools host holiday-themed dances such as my favorite Halloween dance with (or without) costumes and the ever-popular variation of the “snow ball” or “winter wonderland” dance. Some schools take the theme to even weirder places.
Rhonda Collier, an economics professor from Portland, Oregon, says her daughter’s Montessori school hosted a father-daughter Halloween dance this year and only invited the middle school girls and their dads. They all dressed in costume, too. Collier’s daughter was Robin. Her dad was Batman. “Yeah, she didn’t have a good time,” Collier reports. “She said all of the girls danced with their dads and not together with their friends. Didn’t sound too fun.”
Not sure about the theme? Your child should have a flier about the dance rolling around in their backpack somewhere. Check that pile of papers from September. I bet it’s in there. If not, find out which PTA parent is in charge of the social events like dances or ask your school’s secretary. Ask about the dress code, but trust your kid’s intuition. If he doesn’t want to dress up in his Darth Vader costume, there is probably a good reason. And avoiding that reason will likely save you big bucks on therapy later on.
When? This is easy, right? It should be. But middle school dances can confuse you. Some schools host dances right after classes end in the late afternoon, while others don’t start the dance until after 8 p.m. Make sure that your child hasn’t signed up to be on the decorating/clean-up committee or worse signed you up to provide snacks, as these types of things can add an extra hour on either end of the stated dance time.
Where? Most school dances are held at the school, usually in the gymnasium or cafeteria, but if your child attends a school that rents out the gym or that doesn’t have enough space to host a dance, the dance may be held at another local school or even at a non-school location such as a nearby church or community center.
Why? Is it important for your child to attend the school dance? We tend to think of these types of pre-teen rituals as being important to social development, but research shows that dances can promote the idea of “coupling up” way too early.
In their 2000 book on preteen development, “What Every Middle School Teacher Should Know,” authors Trudy Knowles and Dave F. Brownexplain that it is society, not most middle school students, who promote the idea of “puppy love” happening as early as sixth or seventh grade, stating that “initially in middle school, the need for companionship and social interaction leads students to develop same-sex friendships. Sex roles begin to change but it is often the parents, teachers, other adults, or the media that encourage that change and stress opposite-sex relationships. Informal and sometimes formal dances encourage young adolescents to form relationships at a time when they may prefer friendly interactions, long phone calls, mixed group activities, and casual flirting.”
It’s up to you to decide if your child should go to the dance. But keep in mind that many middle schools have started to promote same-sex and group dancing and put an end to the awkward slow dancing of years past.
Beyond the Basics
Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, there are other dance-related quandaries in store. Such as:
Should you chaperone? Once my panic attacks went away, I broached the subject of chaperoning. There was a conversation with my daughter that included phrases like “that would be soooo embarrassing, mom!” and “please, please, please don’t do that to me!” but in the end I decided that my exciting schedule was just too full to accommodate a Halloween dance. Instead, I sat at home and thought about the irony of cross-stitching becoming cool 25 years too late. Laura Richards, another Portland, Oregon-based parent, did attend her son’s first school dance. She offers the following tips for parents who want to chaperone:
If your kid wants to dance with you, do it. But if they don’t want to dance with you, don’t dance at all. Maybe sway a little. But don’t bust out your Thriller moves, no matter how tempted you are to show off in front of the other chaperones.
Be inconspicuous. Stand with the adults and don’t purposely embarrass your kid. They may forgive but they will not forget. (And you still have all of those tricky teen years ahead of you!)
Check with your school’s teachers and administrators to find out exactly what is required of the dance chaperones. Some schools want you to be on PDA-guard and separate couples that are dancing a wee bit too close. Some just want you to (wo)man the snack table. Basically, find out what’s in store for you, before you sign up for chaperone duty and then fulfill your end of the bargain.
What about the slow dancing? I became a little more popular after sixth grade (it was the perm, I just know it) and actually slow-danced with a few boys at subsequent middle school dances, so I prepped my daughter on the finer elements of placing your hands on his shoulders, standing about two feet apart, keeping your gaze on the floor, swaying slowly side-to-side and mumbling a bit of small talk. There are actually videos about “how to slow dance” if your kid is super curious. However, there will probably be no need for a slow-dance primer, as many schools have phased out the dreaded slow songs in favor of music that promotes group dancing. Plus, Richard Marx just isn’t as popular as he used to be. Thank goodness.
What about the fast dancing? Reassure your kid that they don’t have to dance at the dance. If they feel more comfortable standing next to (hiding under) the snack table, then so be it. But some schools let students request songs before or during the dance, so to get your kiddo prepared, have them list their top five favorite songs before the event. That way, they can practice their moves and be able to shout, “That’s my song!” when their request comes on. Dancing in big groups is fun, even if you’re not the most popular kid in school. My own kiddo considers herself “one of the weirdoes, not one of the populars,” but she had a great time at her first dance. “It was so much fun, mom,” she told me during the ride home. “We all danced together and we were jumping up and down all night. My feet hurt! They hurt so much I can barely walk! But it was worth it.”
And that, my friends, is what it’s all about. One traumatic middle school memory averted, a few hundred more to go.
