Yes, You Can Be Happily Divorced

Here’s What You Need To Know

Cynthia Tiano was once considered a “killer” as a divorce attorney. She was respected by fellow attorneys and feared by their clients, who worried what they’d lose when they faced her in divorce court.It wasn’t until her own divorce that she began to wonder about her tactics.

“I was well aware of the pitfalls and landmines of divorce litigation. I understood the lasting impact that battling someone you once loved and trusted, someone who once was your best friend, had on a person for years to come,” she said.

After 26 years as a trial divorce attorney, she had seen first-hand what happened to the children, whose parents ended up in court.”…Their world crumbled around them and neither mom nor dad, caught up in the divorce war, could provide a safe emotional place for them,” she said.

Determined not to let this happen to her own family, she resolved her divorce amicably. “My own divorce experience changed who I was as a person and as a lawyer. I could no longer ignore the voice inside of me reminding me that these were families with their children and their lives’ savings at stake,” she said.

So she closed the doors of her law practice 12 years ago, becoming a Supreme Court-certified family mediator for couples seeking to uncouple.”I decided that I would no longer be a part of the problem, but would become a part of the solution,” she said,

Inspired to reach out and help as many divorcing couples as possible, she collaborated with Dr. Max Vogt, a bestselling author and renowned marriage and family psychologist. The two created our book and audio series, Happily Divorced! Secrets of the Win-Win Formula“.This program gives divorcing couples a step-by-step plan to divorce without fighting and without huge legal bills. It also provides tools and resources to resolve divorce peacefully, “even if(couples) believe their situation is hopeless,” Tiano said.

How can you get divorced without making your spouse your enemy?
A: You need to first make the decision to avoid a divorce war. Your actions dictate which way your divorce is going to go. If you treat your spouse unfairly, refuse to negotiate, and fail to control your emotions, you will see your spouse turn spiteful and nasty and a war will ensue. If your spouse is the one who is acting cruel and unfair during the divorce, you can still take back control by taking the high road, controlling your emotions, and not becoming vicious and nasty in return. That only escalates the war and can turn your spouse into your worst enemy.

The key is to get off judgment and be quick to forgive, both your spouse and yourself. This is a necessary ingredient, especially if you have children together and will need to co-parent with your ex. Your forgiveness will have an immediate and direct positive impact on your relationship with your spouse or ex-spouse, your emotional and physical health, your future relationships and your children’s well-being.And, do NOT hire a killer” divorce attorney!

Wevorce.com: Your book has awareness steps? What is their purpose?
A: The awareness steps are amazingly powerful yet extremely simple actions of “mental ju-jitsu” that can change your consciousness in the direction of being “Happily Divorced,” sometimes in a matter of only minutes and will keep you on that path if you do them as described. They are that powerful.When we feel stressed and overwhelmed — which is the state many people find themselves in during the process of a divorce — it is very easy to get distracted and influenced by all kinds of things going on in the world around you… and lose your focus on the things that are most important in your life. The purpose of the awareness steps is to keep you focused and help you to gain control of your emotions and actions during your divorce so that you can continue on the path to creating a positive, win-win divorce experience.

Wevorce.com: What things do you want readers to take away from the book?
A:There are three things they should take away.

1.Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want, and don’t give up.

It is possible to resolve your divorce amicably and peacefully. Many people do not believe this and say but you don’t know my ex!” or it’s not possible to have a peaceful divorce in my situation.” Take a look at what you are you focusing on. Is it what is right with your spouse or ex, or what is wrong? Are you making a concerted effort to remember the qualities you respected and admired when you married this person and perhaps had children with them?Remember, what you focus on expands. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

Going through divorce is like driving a car. Are you looking through the windshield, toward where you are going, or through the rear view mirror, stuck in the past? Be proactive in creating the vision of what you want it all to look like and consistently hold that vision. What vision are you holding? Is it of a peaceful divorce? Is it of a respectful, effective co-parenting relationship with your spouse or ex? Is it of healthy, happy children and meaningful future relationships for you?

Don’t give up! Hold the vision of what you want, not what you don’t want! You will move in the direction you are looking, and before you know it, you will have created a peaceful divorce and the pathway to being happily divorced.

2.Take the high road” in your divorce.

You can take the high road” in your divorce. This means, first and foremost, educating yourself about the process and the options available for you to create a peaceful result. It also means clearly communicating this desire to your lawyer and to your spouse to minimize the trauma to you and your family. It may feel scary at first to take control of your life and stand up for what you believe in, but it will empower you, and the payoff for you and your family will be well worth it in the long run. Choosing the “high road” means choosing the path that keeps you in your integrity and ultimately promises to provide you with what really means the most to you.This is the road that does not require you to compromise your highest values and provides very deep and satisfying long-term rewards.

3. Avoid a divorce battle, no matter what.

A nasty divorce can cause deep emotional wounds to you, your spouse, and, most importantly, your children. The effects of a divorce battle can last for years after the ink has dried on your divorce papers. Very few divorcing couples understand the impact of hostile divorce litigation and what damage it will inflict on their lives.

Think about the future. Can you imagine what it will be like at your children’s important life events, like graduations, birthday parties and weddings, if you cannot resolve your issues with your ex? Do you understand the painful position you will put your child in having to choose between parents or plan seating arrangements on their special day so that their parents do not have to look at one another?

Even if you don’t have children together, anger and resentment will definitely have a negative impact on your future relationships, especially romantic ones.Who wants to be with someone who is bitter and holding onto the past? If you don’t find a way to make peace with yourself and your ex, you’ll drag that baggage with you into the future.That is the cold, hard reality of a divorce battle — it never ends.
What is a tragic flaw and why do you think it’s important for someone to understand their tragic flaw?
A: In dramatic theory, there is a human characteristic known as the “tragic flaw.”The “hero of the story” in classical Greek drama has one obsession, which is his downfall and which “eats him alive.” It is important to understand our tragic flaws, especially during a divorce, because what keeps us shortsighted and stuck can be our downfall. We see this over and over again in divorce cases where stubbornness and a need for revenge are a couple’s tragic flaws and they are unable to settle their divorce, opting to destroy each other instead.

What tips do you have for parents going through a divorce?
A: Everyone is aware that they should keep the kids out of their divorce and not badmouth their spouse in front of their children, yet divorcing parents continue to make this mistake. Why? Because during a divorce our emotions can get the best of us and when we are not in control we say and do things that can be hurtful to others, especially our children. It is important to give yourself a time out” when you are feeling angry with your ex and cool down. This may mean taking a short walk or writing a letter to your ex that you later destroy. Anything you can do to let off steam and calm down is helpful.

It is important to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. You need to be informed and educated, and develop the communication skills necessary to be a successful co-parent.There are resources out there to help you…

Have the courage to ask for help when you need it.There are professionals who can help you, including divorce coaches and parenting coordinators.Take advantage of this help.Remember to stay close to your children and to allow them to be close to their other parent.It is necessary to separate your adult issues with your ex from your children’s right to have a meaningful relationship with both of their parents.

Be patient. It will take time and considerable effort to create a new, effective and respectful co-parenting relationship with your ex. Think long term, it will be well worth it.

How can I avoid becoming a victim of divorce and still have a win-win divorce?
A:You can avoid becoming a victim of divorce by accepting responsibility for yourself and letting go of blame. It is very easy during a divorce to pin the blame on our ex, especially if your ex is the one who had the affair, asked for the divorce, or did something else that you feel caused you pain. By not acknowledging your part in the breakup of your marriage, you are putting yourself in the role of the victim.

This is not saying that you give in to unreasonable demands.You become empowered by educating yourself enough to become clear on what you want, whether your expectations are reasonable, and how to communicate those desires effectively so you can create a win-win situation.It is empowering to accept responsibility for your life and realize that we all create our own destiny and everything does happen for a reason. Instead of feeling like a victim, look at your divorce as a learning experience and a chance for growth and new beginnings. By taking back your power and not placing all of the blame on your spouse, you can create a win-win divorce for all involved.

Explain what you mean by peaceful divorce?
A:A peaceful divorce is one where a divorcing couple is able to resolve their conflicts in a proactive and positive manner. In a traditional adversarial divorce, it is the Judge and the lawyers who make the decisions and dictate the direction of the divorce. In a peaceful divorce, the couple fashions their own divorce with the assistance of professionals who are educated in and committed to the peaceful divorce process. In a peaceful divorce, the divorcing couple is actively involved in working towards a resolution that they both can live with after the divorce. In doing so, they are better able to move on with their lives in a healthier manner. This is critical in cases where the couple must co-parent after the divorce, and for those who want to have healthy future relationships.A peaceful divorce provides an opportunity for a family going through divorce to heal and grow, and costs far less than a traditional adversarial divorce, both emotionally and financially.

Wevorce.com: Is divorce ever over?
A: For divorcing parties with children there is no over.” You will have to deal with and communicate with your ex-partner for the rest of your lives.There will be graduations, weddings, births and other important events in your children’s lives.It is your responsibility to figure out early in your divorce process how to at least be civil with your ex, or your kids will pay the price.From a legal perspective, sometimes the divorce can be just the beginning.Appeals, post-judgment motions and modifications can keep the divorce fires, not to mention the legal fees, burning for many years to come after the divorce itself is final. And, as we have said before, it is necessary to have the right perspective and do the emotional work required during your divorce to process your feelings and move forward if you want to have healthy relationships in the future.If you don’t, your divorce will really never be over.