Growing into being good co-parents is a process. Many times the reason for divorce or separation is at least partly a result of poor communication, and expectations about parenting that are not grounded in well-thought-out planning. It is the nature of the beast, so to speak, that many children are born to parents who still act like children in many ways. This leads to intense hostility and conflict. Despite the best intentions of some parents when they try to create a parenting plan, with or without the help of the court, circumstances change, kids get older, and two people who did not work well together to begin with start struggling again. This is to the detriment of the children.
Each parent brings their own history and upbringing to the experience of raising children. Rather than sitting down and trying to understand each other’s background and values, parents who are trying to do the best they can, but who may themselves feel overwhelmed, start pointing fingers at each other and denouncing any possible goodness in each other. Yet these same people once felt strongly enough about the good in each other to create a family and start having children. Unfortunately, this leads to custody battles that often leads to unhappy, broken children who then go on to repeat unhealthy patterns.
In many cases, these same families end up in court, in front of some family law judge, who is tired of the conflict, has likely not known the family prior to the court appearances, and may or may not have practiced law in the field of family law prior to being appointed to make decisions. Families give up their decision-making authority to someone who most likely does not know what is really best for the children, and to attorneys who are trained to help parents point fingers at each other and fight over the children.
If this sounds harsh, it is. It’s even harsher to look at the reality of children of such families, who come to school worrying about the conflict at home, unable to concentrate, sometimes unable to eat or sleep well, simply trying to survive while their parents continue to battle.
So, when parenting plans fall apart, or stop working, what helps? It’s time to:
- Stop pointing fingers; co-parents need to step back and breathe.
- Regroup and talk about each others’ strengths and value to the children.
- Look for ideas that work best for everyone.
- Listen to each other, really listen.
- Get yourself into counseling to resolve any remaining anger, grief, guilt or fear issues.
- Get the kids into counseling too so they can find the support they deserve, and they can learn how to speak up and get their needs met appropriately.
- Grow up and stop the turmoil. Don’t turn every decision into a battle that leads to decisions being made by someone outside the family.
One parent cannot and should not tell the other parent how to parent. Both parents need to look at their own upbringing, their own expectations, their own abilities, and honestly ask for help with whatever they need to be able to parent in ways that work for the entire family.
Many times a co-parent’s behavior plays a huge role in how the other parent behaves. Anger is a normal reaction to unreasonable expectations and lack of good communication. What we model as co-parents is the legacy we pass on to our children. So, when parenting together becomes a struggle, it is time to look at ourselves, our habits, our beliefs, and see what we may need to change and what we can do better. One person is usually not right. It takes two to have poor communication, and it takes two to heal and become good co-parents.
