When a friend or family member asks for advice during their divorce experience, it’s tempting to hand it out in droves. Avoid the temptation to share divorce war stories this is not your journey, it is theirs. Sometimes the best advice you can give is no advice at all. It’s true and neuroscience backs it up. The human brain cannot tell the difference between love and being listened to. So when someone really listens to us we feel love, we calm down, we get smarter. Advice does not have the same effect. So if you want to help someone, follow these tips to improve your listening skills:
Ask open-ended questions: Open-ended questions lead the person into discovering what they really need, not what you think they need. Counselors call this holding space for someone. To get the gist of how to hold space for someone watch this video:
Reflect their emotions: Don’t match your emotions to theirs, in fact you need to do just the opposite. Stay calm, take deep breaths, and make sure you don’t swallow the hook of their emotions. Reflecting emotions means that you identify which emotions you are seeing and hearing. Example of the right things to say: “I have never seen you so frustrated”; “I can hear how angry you are”; or, “I can tell you are feeling really anxious right now.” The key to reflecting emotions without coming off cheesy is to speak with open curiosity, without judgment or shame. This approach lets tears fall if needed and, again, hold no judgment if anger shows. Reflecting emotions takes practice, but this is a great opportunity to start.
Listen until they’re empty and then express gratitude. Once the venting, storytelling and emotions are out, you will start to notice that they are calming down and getting quieter. This is a good sign that you are a masterful listener and it is time for the cherry on top. After someone has talked until they are empty, you can fill them back up by spending a minute telling them everything you appreciate about them. For example, tell them how much courage they have; how loving they are; or how great they are with their children. When we go through tough times in life, it helps to have a friend remind us that even when it’s bad on the outside, there is always good to be found on the inside.
