Marriage today is not the same as it was even 25 years ago. To many young couples, “Leave It To Beaver” is simply an amusing old TV show (one they may have never seen), not a reflection of reality. Most current TV shows are about mixed and blended couples and families. Many movies today show men and women in lifestyles and roles that would never have been considered the norm in the not-so-distant past.
Agreeing whether or not to have children is another new experience for couples, since sex does not necessarily mean kids. Both men and women now feel more freedom to choose kids or no kids. We do not have millions of good role models for these kinds of decisions and even the media is splashed with famous people who struggle with the issue.
It’s not as simple as having a smart, assertive woman who wants a career and decides she will hire a nanny to care for any children. It is also not as simple as saying that dad can stay home and be the caretaker. Economics, lifestyles, changes in the way communities connect and support each other, distances from extended families, and the Internet have changed relationships.
In today’s marriages expectations of long-term stability is often unrealistic. Yet, research continues to emphasize that children are best served by structure and stability during the formative years, and that they develop best with input from and relationships with both parents.
Marriage has morphed into a contractual relationship, one which can be undone much more easily than anyone would have once imagined. Of course, this does not necessarily reflect everyone’s belief systems. However, divorce rates average more than 50 percent for first marriages, 70 percent for second marriages, and 80 percent for third marriages. So, how does this impact the fact that marriage was once considered a safe harbor to create, raise and nourish children?
Some of the simple facts when considering whether or not to have children are numbers. As Dr. Phil said, “The reality of 3 a.m. feedings, changing 10,000 diapers and the fact that a baby born in 2002 will cost $250,000 by age 18” are big considerations. In addition, the first few months of an infant’s life will change everything you ever knew about your own independence, sleep and self-care needs.
The size or style of your home, car, grocery list, dining room table, vacation plans, photo albums, and anything else you can think of will change when children are added to a marriage. The other piece, which many couples in love forget, especially when they are in baby-making mode, is the cost of child support, legal expenses and all that comes with divorce if there are children in the marriage.
Is it any surprise, given some of the issues outlined, that there are people who just cannot bring themselves to commit to having children? A discussion about having children is something that couples need to have early in their relationship, especially if it is important to one person or the other. In fact, it is probably is a good idea to have the discussion more than once, and at different times during the relationship. Feelings and wishes can change over time.
Another very important discussion, if a couple sees children in their future, is how to co-parent. Whether we are married or divorced, parenting brings up issues issues we often do not even know we have until children come along and stir up things from our own pasts. If a couple is able to have healthy conversations about everything involved in having and raising children, then the outcome of any decision they make may also be something that they can work through.
If children simply “show up” and are not planned, many additional issues arise, which may or may not be easily dealt with depending upon the maturity of the couple, the value systems they were raised with, the support community they each have or lack, and the economic resources at their disposal. In spite of all that is different about today’s world, couples still get married every day either because of unplanned pregnancy, or with the expectation of future pregnancies, but without meaningful and thought-out preparation for the children’s futures. Some think it is just human nature to have sex, conceive babies, and live with the results. But, couples who are able to think things through ahead of time and make adequate plans have a better chance of creating the kind of stability and security that children need, whether or not the parents stay married.
Building cooperative communication in relationships is the key. Children who feel loved and supported by both parents and a loving community have an advantage. Any guilt or shame in choosing not to have children needs to be dismissed. Whether or not it is fair to a partner to insist on having children is not the point. The issue remains whether or not both parents are ready, willing, and able to take on the lifelong responsibilities of parenting, for better or for worse.
In today’s world, more than ever before, there is a choice. Parenting requires a different, even deeper commitment than the one made for marriage. The simple fact remains, we cannot and must not divorce our children once they are here.
