Single Parenting: Tips to Talk to your Children about Being Successful
Stanley Ann Soetoro was a twice-divorced white woman who raised two bi-racial children without any help. And as her only son accepts the nomination for U.S. President at the Democratic National Convention, Barack Obama has become living proof that being raised by a single mother isn’t the obstacle it used to be to anything –including the job of leader of the free world.
“As the single father of a mixed race child, I am watching the candidacy of Barack Obama with particular interest,” said Adrian Clark, a divorced, single father from Denver, Colo. “I’ve already told my daughter, Grace, about him and have really made the effort to share that part of the political experience…I told her that she could be anything she wants, and she believes me.”
Clark is just one of many single parents in the United States who are watching Barak Obama’s rise to political power and using it as a lesson for their children. According to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2005, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in August 2007, there are about 13.6 million single parents in the United States. They’reraising 21.2 million children — about26 percent of children under 21.
California resident Rachel Sarah, author of the book Single Mom Seeking, is thrilled by the idea that Obama’s campaign is bringing attention to the positive aspects of single parenting. “In 1993, our former vice president Dan Quayle attacked Murphy Brown, the sitcom, for featuring a lead character who decides to become a single mom. I was 21. I wasn’t a single mom (yet). But I couldn’t understand Quayle’s distress. Why was he scapegoating this mom for raising her child with an absent father?” she said.
“Unfortunately, when I became a single mom in 2000, the stigma against us — single moms — was still strong. That’s why this current presidential race is so exciting. For the first time ever, candidates are talking about single moms positively. Instead of blaming us, as politicians have been known to do in the past (by showing that kids of single parents do poorly in school, use drugs, you name it — without any acknowledgment of how economics and wealth affects families) — this campaign has put us in a positive light. It’s about time. Sure, Barak Obama is using his “growing up in a single parenting home” experience as a way to relate to voters. But why shouldn’t he? Clearly, his single mother did something right when she raised him.
Jodi Seidler, the founder of makinglemonade.com, a resource website for single parents, said Obama is a positive role model for children raised by a single parent. “Children (especially those with lifestyle and financial challenges) often dream or joke about becoming President one day, “she said. “Now they get to see someone from a similar and familiar background actually step into that role and claim it.”
Rosalind Sedacca agreed. “It’s very valuable for children being raised by single parents to be made aware of the fact that respected leaders in our culture, including Clinton and Obama, have similar backgrounds to theirs,” said Sedacca, therapist and author of “How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?” “Parents can talk to their children about the determination these leaders had “ often starting with a dream in childhood — to make a difference in the world, aspire to be at the top of their fields regardless of the career, or overcome challenges to accomplish their goals.”
According to Phyllis Goldberg and Rosemary Lichtman, both Ph.D.s, who founded the women’s resource website www.HerMentorCenter.com, in terms of family hierarchy and birth order, more past presidents are firstborns, which is true of Obama. In addition, they said: “Children of single parents have to take on more responsibility and are grateful for all that the single parent does — and responsibility and gratitude build character. Resiliency and tenacity can grow from having to rely on yourself and are traits that often accompany success.”
Barak Obama, himself, has credited his mother for helping him become the man he is today — the first black man ever to be nominated for President of the United States. In the prepared text of the Father’s Day speech he gave at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago, he acknowledged how hard the road was for his own mother, and all the single parents like her.
“We need to help all the mothers out there who are raising these kids by themselves; the mothers who drop them off at school, go to work, pick up them up in the afternoon, work another shift, get dinner, make lunches, pay the bills, fix the house, and all the other things it takes both parents to do,” he said. “So many of these women are doing a heroic job, but they need support. They need another parent. Their children need another parent. That’s what keeps their foundation strong. It’s what keeps the foundation of our country strong.”
“I know the toll that being a single parent took on my mother “ how she struggled at times to the pay bills; to give us the things that other kids had; to play all the roles that both parents are supposed to play. And I know the toll it took on me. So I resolved many years ago that it was my obligation to break the cycle “ that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father to my girls; that if I could give them anything, I would give them that rock “ that foundation “ on which to build their lives. And that would be the greatest gift I could offer,” he said.
Seidler said Obama’s commitment to family is something she’s seen in her own son and other young men raised by single parents, particularly their mothers.”Most men I meet (including my son) who grew up in a single parent home (usually by a single mother) have been wise beyond their years and most certainly not a stranger to challenges and financial hardships; and learning to juggle all that life hands you,” she said. “It helps Americans realize that they too, can overcome obstacles and become whatever they dream to become.”
As far as using Obama using his single parent upbringing as an inspiration, Seidler believes it’s smart on the candidate’s part. “It creates a large bond and a smart move for politicians because single parents are a huge percent of the population), and it creates a circle of support for overcoming, enduring and rising above whatever life hands you,” she said.
Sedacca said positive role models like Obama can help youngsters stay on course and”live up to their own expectation. “When their parents add their support and encouragement, it’s a very powerful reinforcement.”
TIPS FOR SINGLE PARENTS SEEKING A TEACHING MOMENT
1. Talk to your Child.
“This is a wonderful opportunity for single parents to remind their children that the American Dream is available to them “ if they reach for it,” Sedacca said. “Take advantage by discussing the family backgrounds of our leaders with your children. Ask questions about what they see in their future. If their self-esteem seems lacking, this is the time to start working with them, not by lecturing but by asking questions and discussing current events, to show them a bigger perspective on life.”
2. Get Support for your Child.
“School guidance counselors, therapist support groups, books and after-school activities can all play a part in reminding your children of all they can be — if they choose to create it,” Sedacca said.
