“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” -William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice
Whether you’re happily married or single, parenting isn’t easy and neither is co-parenting for the divorced or separated. At Wevorce, we’re no strangers to the chaos and emotional pain that invariably occurs when you transition a single family into two separate households. Add to that the nuances of a blended family and stepparent-hood, and well, life gets interesting.
In fact, most of us have experienced it ourselves, whether it was our own divorces or those of our parents, and we have helped hundreds of families through the process a process often (and understandably) described as messy.
Defying the stereotypes.
When it comes to divorce, we also understand that dads often face a unique set of challenges that aren’t helped by commonly held beliefs and stereotypes about fatherhood. Much good is said about mothers, but you needn’t look far to find condemnatory assumptions about fathers. There is no shortage of stories about so-called “deadbeat dads” patriarchal figures who are missing from their children’s lives altogether, or hostile and punishing when they are around.
While some do choose to “check out” during tough times, the majority of fathers don’t. Today’s divorced fathers do more than pay child support, they’re embracing their roles as co-parents and working hard toward maintaining healthy, happy families. Joint custody is more the norm for divorcing parents these days, a sharing of responsibilities and finances to raise their children. The stay-at-home dad is a common sight anymore, and new terms such as nesting, co-parenting, and visitation have become part of our everyday lingo.
We are moved by fathers who, despite marital difficulties or even divorce, remain actively engaged as parents. These dads recognize the crucial role they play in their children’s lives, and then act accordingly.
As Father’s Day approaches, we want to acknowledge those who prioritize their children’s needs and defy the negative stereotypes. To the fathers of the world who are embracing your role as co-parents, this is our tribute to you.
Dear Dads of the world: We see you.
We see you picking up your kids from school on the nights mom has to work late, even if it’s not your regular visitation night or on the calendar.
We see you declining invitations to have beers after work with colleagues because you have the kids tonight, and don’t even think it a sacrifice because you’d rather spend your time with them.
We see you turning off the television and preparing dinner together, embracing family night with your children to hear about their school day.
We see your photos on Facebook photos of you French braiding your young daughter’s hair, learning how for those stayovers when mom isn’t there to do it.
We see you attending your child’s music recital or band performance, even though you had to take time off from work to do so.
We see you reading to your young son until he falls asleep, then rocking him back to sleep when he awakes crying from a bad dream.
Dear Dads of the world: We appreciate you.
We appreciate the sacrifices you make and the love you show your children, even as you struggle to adjust to your new challenges as a co-parent. We appreciate that, despite your own pain and frustration, you are able to:
- Lead with empathy. Divorce and separation are difficult for children of all ages, and you understand how important it is to consider your child’s perspective on issues. One divorced father explains, “When you can constantly ask the question, ‘Is this good for my child?’ 99 times out of 100 you will adjust your behavior to be more empathetic and less adversarial, which ALWAYS elicits a more favorable response.”
- Put your kids first. The “best interests of the child” are often discussed in the context of divorce, and you’ve learned that child-centeredness means setting your own emotions aside and helping young ones to process their grief, fear, and confusion. By prioritizing your children’s emotional and developmental needs, you show you’re a father not just in name, but by your actions, as well.
- Make time to listen to your kids. You know that, when you ask what he or she feels and needs, you’re giving your child a voice in a situation that could otherwise render them utterly powerless. You’ve come to acknowledge and respond patiently and compassionately to the voice of your child.
- Don’t speak badly about the other parent. Like it or not, you’re aware you and your partner (or former partner) are still a team, at least when it comes to co-parenting. And this awareness means you’re able to keep your words in check and remain respectful. You know that undermining your partner’s authority or worth as a person is only harmful to your child.
- Allow children to be children. By not putting your kids in the middle of settlement negotiations, fighting in front of them, or confiding in them for support, you protect them from potential emotional harm. You understand pressuring young ones to take sides or serve as go-betweens is unhealthy and unfair.
Most of all, we thank you for being present, even when it seems like your heart and your marriage are breaking into pieces. We thank you for showing your children they’re loved, even if you and your spouse were unable to make your marriage work. We thank you for your vulnerability, for being honest about your struggles, and mostly, for embracing your kids despite your pain. By doing so, you are helping raise children who, when they encounter their own dilemmas in life, love, and marriage, will be empowered to first trust their feelings and then to express them in kind and respectful ways. One day, they will look at you and say, “Dad got through it, and so can I.”
Dear Dads of the world: We are with you.
No parent is perfect. We all sometimes err in judgment when assessing (or failing to assess) our kids’ needs especially when experiencing one of the most tumultuous times in a person’s life. But by doing your best you honor fatherhood. By the mere act of reading this, you prove you are parenting with intention, and we applaud you for that even if your kids don’t fully understand or appreciate your effort. We understand, and we appreciate it.
You help those of us who are parents to be better parents, and for those of us who will someday be parents, you’re showing us the way.
Happy Father’s Day, from all of us at Wevorce.
