Remarriage: Top Five Tips to Blending Your Families when You Remarry

Once a new couple has decided to remarry, they must decide how to blend their families. At best, this can be a tricky and complicated process, particularly when dealing with children, in-laws, and ex-spouses.In many instances, there is underlying fear and resentment, which can disrupt the process. Many people think their families can be easily blended, given time. However, this is not always the case.

“The most common problem, unfortunately, is the notion that stepfamilies can “blend”. They don’t. It just doesn’t work that way,” said Certified Imago Relationship Therapist Maggie Vlazny, who holds a masters in social work and is a licensed clinical social worker. Vlanzy, who is based in Danbury, Conn., is also a Certified EMDR Therapist and National Board Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist.

“I have never seen a divorce that ended amicably, which means the children and extended family have been impacted. They don’t blend into one,” she said. “They divide into factions. Everyone wants their time with the kids, especially around holidays, which causes increased stress. And no matter how family time is set, the kids always end up feeling disloyal.”

Additionally, establishing new roles between step-parents and children is a determining factor in how smooth the process of blending two families will actually be. According to Rochelle Park, N.J. psychotherapist Rachel Long, MSW, LCSW, problems surrounding the process of blending families has more to do with establishing roles than anything else. Long works extensively with individuals, families, and couples on resolving problems in their interpersonal relationships. She says the problems can begin as parents try to establish the new spouse as a parental figure or more of a friend who deserves a certain amount of respect.”

However, despite the challenges, there are steps that new couples can take to make the process easier on themselves — as well as their families. Long says the process begins with the couple. “Discussing expectations before the marriage and talking about family life and individual roles can bring up potential issues. Blended families, in particular, should talk about how they see married life or family life and each of their roles. It is amazing how many people never talk about how they foresee their lives to play out in the every day,” she said.

Kids are not the only potential source of conflict. Sometimes, in-laws can cause trouble, particularly if they are close to the ex-spouse and still feel a sense of loyalty toward him or her. Vlazny says if couples find themselves in this situation, it’s important not to react immediately. “Be patient. It takes time for new ties to form. Be non-reactive to their troublesome behavior. Kill them with kindness,” she said. Don’t put your spouse in the middle of you and them, just as you shouldn’t put your spouse between you and the kids.”

Some couples also find themselves in the unique position of having an ex that is still close to the family. The key to this issue lies in how your new spouse feels about your ex’s involved in the family. After all, not all marriages end in anger, frustration, and screaming matches. Many couples decide to dissolve their marriage in a friendly and amicable manner. It is unfair to expect your family to simply cut a person out of their lives that they have come to love. According to Vlazny, family members should respect the wishes of the new spouse if they are uncomfortable with the existing relationship with an ex. She suggests that family members make certain that the ex-spouse is not present on occasions when the new couple plans on spending time with them.

Long agrees that setting boundaries, in the beginning, can head off problems later. “The couple needs to talk about what kind of relationship and boundaries they have with their ex and if that will change. Many times people assume certain behavior is “normal” or “right” so they don’t discuss it because they assume others will view it the same way,” she said. “For example, the new husband might assume that while the ex used to come over one night a week to have dinner or come over without calling that once they marry or move in together that will stop. While the wife might assume since it was never a problem and the kids enjoy it, it would continue without a problem.”

Since kids can be at the root of this particular issue, Long also encourages couples to sit down with the kids and reassure them that while they need to respect the new spouse, they are not expected to stop loving the biological parent and to discuss any changes in visitation or boundaries. Making the blending process a success lies in the couple’s ability to present the ground rules — and enforce them — as a united front. This will illustrate to both children and family members that the couple is serious about working together to help make the blending process a successful one.

Nutley, New Jersey-based therapist Melissa Groman, says that couples should remember that talking always helps. “Good communication takes practice,” she said. She says couples should remember that learning how to resolve the conflicts that crop up can sometimes require professional assistance and that going to marriage therapy can be a healthy way to help maintain a relationship. But above all else, Groman says that couples must remember that patience, love, tolerance, understanding and acceptance go a long way.

TOP FIVE TIPS ON BLENDING YOUR FAMILY

1. Make sure that expectations are realistic.

This process won’t occur overnight. It will take time for the kids to get to know one another as well as any new grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

2. Don’t rush the process and try to allow it to happen as naturally as possible.

Give everyone a physical territory of their own. According to Vlazny, kids should have their own space, ideally their own rooms, in the home. Territory is a huge source of conflict for kids.”3. Encourage your kids to talk to you about any and everything they are feeling about the remarriage, their new family, etc.

In fact, Groman encourages couples to make it okay for your kids to “say everything” to you about how they feel. Help them say it respectfully, no name calling or swearing, but allow them to voice their feelings, thoughts, nd ideas.”

4. Come up with a specific plan for discipline“ and stick to it.

In pre-marital therapy, or during the time before the actual marriage takes place, couples should talk about their individual forms of discipline and make sure the two styles can be merged. No matter what, discipline should always be presented in a united front, with any issues discussed between the couples later and in a private setting.5. Set rules together.

Groman also suggests sitting down as a family and setting some house rules. Give the children an opportunity to have a say on what those rules should be.About the author: Lynda Moultry is a freelance journalist in Tallahassee, Fla. She is the Specialty Products Editor for the Tallahassee, Fla., Democrat. Lynda is also the author of “101 Plus-Size Women’s Clothing Tips” and has written for a number of different national publications and Web sites.