“Take my mother-in-law. Please!”
Generations of comedians kicked off their routines with that gag for a reason. Sometimes even tired old jokes still hold a grain of truth. As does that funny t-shirt that reads, “I yell because I care!”
Whether you’ve been married 5 months or 50 years, there’s one common challenge that many married folks must endure the in-laws. The classic saying that you can pick your friends but you can’t choose family seems to doubly apply here. Hey, it’s tough enough to try and fix your spouse’s bad habits, but seeing where they learned that less-than-adorable, open-mouthed cud-chewing technique may threaten to send you running for the hills at your first holiday feast with the in-laws.
Here are three simple, expert-approved approaches for surviving trial by in-law:
1. Get the Ground Rules Down Early. This is one point many experts agree on. If you suffer in silence for months or years over something your in-law does to provoke or annoy you, chances are you’ll blow your top one day out of the blue when the straw hits the camel’s back. Then you’re the one who looks like a crazy person and your in-law can convincingly play the clueless victim card to outsiders. Don’t give ’em that satisfaction. By setting boundaries early in the relationship, you can establish a cordial truce and move on. Hey, there’s real benefit to getting the upper hand early on. Look at it this way. If you don’t put your foot down when you’re first married, how much worse will it be when you have kids?
2. Be Firm But Kind. Yes, it’s true you can be assertive without being aggressive, polite yet implacable. Better to be a light-hearted heavy than a humorless pushover. If assertiveness doesn’t come easily or naturally to you, or you find yourself spoiling for a fight instead when the chips are down, time to take some how-to classes in assertiveness. Bonus is the same techniques will do double-duty with the kids. Win-win!
3. Pick Your Battles Wisely. Decide what issues are totally non-negotiable (the fewer the better), and stick to your guns on those points. Otherwise, loosen up. Is it really gonna hurt the kids to stay up an hour later when sleeping over at Grandma’s? Probably not. Compromise and flex when you can. This wins points with the opposition. Loyalty and power are often at the heart of many an in-law tussle. When you graciously accede on the little things, you’re supporting your spouse by reducing family conflict, and smoothing ruffled feathers on the larger front.
Finally, remember that as maddening as your in-laws might be, at least you’ve got plenty of company. Dr. Terri Apter’s article in Psychology Today, “In-Law Conflict and Troubled Marriages,” touches on this all-too-common human experience and why balancing loyalties, drawing boundaries and acknowledging our own shortcomings are all keys to solving the in-law dilemma.
