Best interest of the children and child-centered are common buzz-phrases surrounding divorce and separation. Our justice and welfare systems have progressed over the years to reflect these beliefs in order to better protect our children and to strengthen the families. Yet, limitations remain within their confines – social shift takes time, effort and a collective willingness to break the mold. Regarding the impact of divorce and separation on children, social change must be rooted in understanding the child’s perspective.
From both a legal and social purview, we argue that custody and visitation should be governed by a child’s development and adjustment with considerations for family circumstances and capacity to parent. A child’s wishes are sometimes considered, but only when a court determines that a child is mature enough to express preference. The premise for determining the “best interests of the child” is sound, but is the well being of the child truly being addressed? Or, are we merely making discretionary rights-based decisions based on “speculation and interpretation” as suggested by Edward Kruk, Ph.D. in his 2013 Psychology Today article The Voices of Children of Divorce?
Change at the societal level is a lofty goal. We can start considering the child’s perspective on a smaller, more realistic scale that exists outside of the courtroom. Information and resources about how the experience affects children and how to put them first so that we can minimize the impact are critical for not only guiding families through this challenging transition, but also for preparing parents to negotiate in a focused manner and from a common place.
Child-centeredness and best interest are often discussed from an adult perspective – from a point of view that emphasizes the resilience of the child and sometimes even arises from our own guilt. Many of us who are children of divorce can likely identify both the positive and negative lessons learned from our personal experiences. And, while we strive to advocate for the children by providing tips and tools to more effectively (and positively) co-parent, we often forget what it was really like when we were the kids in the middle of it. How did we view the adult role models in our lives: our parents, the professionals, the judges? Did we feel heard in the sense that our emotions and thoughts truly mattered to the ones making all of the decisions? We must learn to better recognize and validate the additional perspective of the child in our cases, in our evaluations, in our mediations, and in our relationships.
This is not to say that children should be placed on the stand or invited to attend settlement negotiations. However, their feelings, behaviors, and opinions should be part of the conversations. We are not putting them in the middle by acknowledging their needs. We put them in the middle when we confide in them for their support, when we use them as go-betweens to share and/or access information, when we pressure them to take sides or choose, when we speak poorly about the other parent, and when we project our tumultuous feelings onto them. What the children actually need is a less divisive process and to be allowed to remain children.
Divorce and separation are undeniably difficult for children of all ages; it is an adult decision that inevitably impacts the lives of the entire family. Most kids are indeed resilient. However, much of how they cope with the change and reflect upon the experience in the future will depend on how the involved adults behave. It is up to us to model appropriate ways to deal with anger, guilt, hurt and grief. It is up to us to provide support and encourage each other to find healthy ways to interact with a co-parent. It is up to us to respond to children in a way that empowers them to own their feelings and to trust enough to express them openly and honestly. This transition into two homes does not have to be negative and may, in the long term, have a more positive impact on how children understand communication and relationships.
Put yourself in the child’s shoes – imagine the confusion, the fear, the sadness the vulnerability. Set aside your own emotions, your regrets or grudges, your agenda. Consider for a moment what your child/ren would say to you if you were to ask what he or she feels or needs. Then actually ask. This is not a recommendation to question a child about where he or she wishes to live or with whom. Rather, it is the encouragement to allow a child to actively participate in an event that directly affects him or her. It is about finding a way to promote an ongoing, loving relationship with both parents. It is really more about observing and listening – about allowing reaction to the changes and expression of feelings through behavior and words. Pay attention. Acknowledge what you see and hear by responding compassionately and clearly to your child/ren. Learn from this and act accordingly with your co-parent. Do this and you will offer your child/ren a true voice.
Giving voice is not an easy task. If you require help, prioritize discussions about children during mediation and seek guidance from a counselor or parenting coach.
NOTE: Watch the short video that prompted this article. The Child of Divorce
