During her first few months of middle school, 11-year-old Elena F. found herself rushing from school to soccer, gymnastics, ukulele or piano lessons five days a week.
“It was fun, but it was also very busy,” the Portland, Oregon, sixth-grader says of her hectic after-school schedule. “I prefer to have Mondays and Fridays to myself after school, to be with friends or do other things.”
Like most parents who struggle to find the perfect balance between too many and not enough after-school activities, Elena’s mom and dad wanted their daughter to stay active and learn new skills, but were sensitive to her need for more free time. After a few family discussions, Elena’s parents cut back on her after-school schedule.
“Now I just have gymnastics twice a week and my piano lesson, so that’s better for me,” Elena says. “Ideally, I would go to classes and play sports three times a week.”
Elena’s friend and classmate, 11-year-old Sarah W., agrees that three days a week is optimal for after-school activities.
“I like to have some variety and I like going to theater class and taking choir, but I like to have time to walk my dog or visit friends or just relax at home with my mom or dad,” Sarah says. “Three days a week seems like enough for me.”
Both girls agree that having a lot of free time on the weekends is much better than rushing to a soccer game or a dance class.
“Especially now that we’re in middle school,” Sarah says. “Sometimes we just want to hang out and be silly and talk.”
Experts in child psychology agree that children of all ages need more time with their families, friends and selves away from the structured sports practices and music lessons. But American parents seem to being doing just the opposite: Enrolling their children in so many after-school activities that free time has become a distant memory.
Stanley Greenspan, MD, a pediatric psychology professor and co-author of Building Healthy Minds: The Six Experiences that Create Intelligence and Emotional Growth in Babies and Young Children, recently told a WebMD reporter that parents are “scheduling activities so tightly that there’s not any room for playful exchanges with parents, siblings and peers.”
Greenspan’s advice to parents? Set a priority list that values time with family and friends over scheduled after-school or weekend activities.
But for many parents, especially those whose work schedule doesn’t mesh with the 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. school day, after-school classes aren’t just about enriching your child’s mind or padding their college application they’re about finding a safe, structured and supportive environment for kids who would otherwise be left to their own devices for two to three hours each weekday.
At the middle school Elena attends in Portland, Oregon, there are a wide selection of affordable after-school enrichment classes that start at 3 p.m. and go until at least 4:10 p.m. Parents who work 9-5 or 8-4 can feel safe knowing that their child is dancing in the hip-hop class, making sculptures in the ceramics course, or learning a game of strategy at the school’s award-winning chess club. Professional artists teach most of the classes and thanks to PTA funds the classes cost less than $8 per class, per week.
For Elena’s parents, who work full-time and are on a tight budget, taking advantage of affordable after-school classes means they don’t have to scramble for childcare every weekday and don’t have to worry that Elena is home alone. But the classes are more than just a place to stick their daughter; they are an extra layer of learning and enrichment in a school district that has cut most of the arts and music programs and a way for Elena to branch out and meet new people.
“She also loved being on the soccer team because she got to know some of the girls at school that she hadn’t really talked to before,” says Elena’s mom, Linda. “They all felt like a team and they worked together, so she was getting exercise and making new friends. She was busy, but she enjoyed it.”
The trickiest part seems to be figuring out how many after-school classes are too many. As Alvin Rosenfeld, author of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, recently stated in a New York Times article: “Enrichment activities are perfect. They add a lot to kids’ lives. The problem is, we’ve lost the ability to balance them with down time, boring time.”
So, how can you figure out if you’ve achieved a good balance of “boring time” and “enrichment time” for your child?
If you fear your child is doing too much, watch for the following:
- Frequent headaches
- Constant tiredness
- Sleep disruptions
- Irritable
- Unable to wake up in the morning
- A sudden disinterest or dislike for things they used to find fun
- Anxiety
- Mood swings
- Neediness
All of these things can signal that your child’s schedule is starting to stress him out. Additionally, take a close look at your kid’s lifestyle. Does she have time to just chill in her room? Does she still make time for her best friend or to go outside and play with kids from your neighborhood? Have you spent at least four dinners together as a family in the past week? If the answer to any of these things is “no,” then there’s a pretty good chance that your child’s after-school activities are in the “too many” category.
Are the classes enriching your child’s life or just killing time? Let’s face it: Even if your child begged and begged to join a certain sports team or to take up a particular instrument, sometimes the fantasy far exceeds the reality.
“Sarah really, really wanted to take ballet, so I found a class on Tuesday evenings that we could afford and that was for beginners her age,” says Sarah’s mom, Ann. “After three classes, she was begging me to let her skip ballet.”
The problem wasn’t necessarily the class, Sarah admits, but the fact that she felt like too much of a beginner in a class filled with slightly younger and more advanced dancers. “And I also had too much going on on Tuesdays,” Sarah says. “I had a photography class right after school, then I’d come home, eat dinner, do my homework and have to go to ballet. Most of the time, I just didn’t want to go.”
How to tell if your child is really getting the most out of their after-school classes?
• Are they happy when they come home?
A good after-school class should excite your child and make them want to talk about it later on. In Sarah’s case, for instance, she often comes home singing songs from her theater or choir class and is usually pretty chatty on the way home, Ann says. “I can always tell when she’s in a good class because she’ll mention it on the weekend or tell me she’s excited to go to school on Wednesdays, because that’s theater practice day.”
• Are they learning new skills and achieving their goals?
Elena has been taking gymnastics classes for more than eight years and says she’s become “really good” at it. In her hip-hop class, Elena is the go-to gal for back flips and other tumbling moves thanks to years of gymnastics training. But if your child has been taking guitar lessons for two years and can barely play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” it may be time to consider finding a new teacher, a new class or possibly a new instrument. Help your children set realistic goals with after-school classes (a new belt color in karate, getting the solo part in choir, or making the varsity team in a sport) and then make sure that they’re achieving these goals the same way you would make sure that they’re getting good grades in school.
• Is the class making a positive difference in your child’s schoolwork or attitude? Often, all it takes is a few wins outside of school to build up their confidence inside school. Have you noticed that your child’s grades improved after a few months in that after-school music class? Is she taking on more responsibilities around the house now that you’ve enrolled her in a horse-riding class? If your child is getting the most out of his or her after-school classes, you should notice a definite increase in confidence and self-esteem after a few months.
Finally, figuring out what kind of class is best for your child is as important, if not more important, than figuring out if your child is taking too many after-school classes.
Is your child an introvert or an extrovert? Most kids are a blend of introvert and extrovert, but usually they are more of one than the other. Is she an introvert who is easily drained around crowds? Does she come home from school each day needing to “recharge her batteries” by spending time playing by herself or reading in her room? Or is your child more of an extrovert, who seems to gain energy after playing in a group for a few hours? Pushing an introvert to forego alone time can result in a totally drained, cranky kid, while likewise forcing an extrovert to pursue solo activities such as piano lessons can produce a bored, cranky kid.
Either way, who wants to deal with a cranky kid every evening? For the introverts seeking after-school enrichment, consider activities that don’t require group participation such as music lessons, art classes, tennis or yoga. For more extroverted children, remember that socializing helps them feel happy. Choose activities that require teamwork or lots of group interaction, such as soccer, choir, dance classes, or theater groups.
If you’re unsure, just ask your kids and trust their opinions.
“Elena wanted me to join soccer, too,” Sarah says. “And I wanted to be with her, but I’ve never really liked team sports. I prefer things like tennis and dancing things that I can do on my own.”
“I didn’t force her,” Sarah’s mom says. “I sort of wanted her to join soccer for the same reasons Elena’s mom wanted her to do it, but she said she had no interest, so I didn’t push it.”
Her advice for parents trying to figure out how many after-school activities is just right for their child?
“Keep checking in with your kid,” she says. “What worked for Sarah in second grade isn’t the same now that she’s older and can take on more responsibilities. As long as they seem happy and they like their classes and still have time to just be a kid, I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job.”
