The moment when we know it is time finally happens. We know we have to say something, but how? Too often, it comes out as a sudden expletive when our emotions are high and a demand for divorce gets attached to all kinds of awful statements. Amazing as it may sound, often both spouses are not on the same page, and one may not even see this conversation coming. Therefore, the sudden announcement can be a total shock as well as unhappy news.
On average, there is a window of about three years around a divorce which includes about a year and a half of one spouse getting ready to say something, and the other spouse taking about a year and a half to deal with the reality. Even though the spouse who is ready for a divorce may believe they have been communicating the serious thoughts they have been having, the other spouse may not have received the information in the manner expected or may have just thought it was another argument that would pass.
Because people take different routes to the decision to divorce, just opening the conversation can be the toughest part. Even when two people have been openly tossing the idea around, the conversation that decides the direction to take can still come as a surprise. Preparing for this conversation, while a seeming impossibility, is very important in determining how long and how hard the conflict will last while going through the process of divorce. Timing it well, and being ready to deal with the emotions yourself, are all necessary parts to answering the question, “How?”
Several things can help.
Consider scheduling a few sessions with a counselor to help host the conversation. Most counselors today are aware that divorce can be a tricky discussion and will not require you to consider keeping the marriage intact. They may even have a short series of sessions that they can walk you through to help the conversation go as smoothly as possible.
Some mediators are also open to assist with this discussion. A good family mediator with a counseling background can hold space for the two of you to decide whether the timing is right and how you want to proceed. From there you can each decide if you wish to retain counsel or proceed with mediation, or do some of the process on your own.
While assistance is a good idea, the do it yourself process can be successful if you take steps to be respectful and a good listener. If you feel emotions welling up and think you might blurt out something at the wrong moment, stop and count to ten.
Take the time to write down some good things about the relationship, what made you want to marry in the first place, what you have accomplished together, and your wishes for each of you going forward. Then set a date for discussion. Make time when you both will be available to have lunch, take a walk, or sit in the family room without distractions for at least an hour. Start the conversation with the positives and lead up to your hopes for each of you. Try not to start the conversation with a blunt, “I want a divorce.”
Underneath the surprise, if this conversation is handled well, your spouse may feel some kind of relief or appreciate you taking the stand and naming the situation. Be open to their ideas about what to do. Make a mutual list and agree to think about each idea and get help if that is an option. Let the other person speak. This is not necessarily a time to agree, but it is a time to listen. No final decisions need to come from this conversation the important thing is the get the message on the table in a way that both of you acknowledge is real and that at least one of you wishes to move forward.
Be gentle, remember what you once felt when you said, “I do,” and take at least the same amount of time you took to think about and prepare for your wedding to plan and prepare and obtain a divorce. The fact that divorce is more common than it once was means that people hear about it more often and this can serve to alleviate some of the shame and surprise.
Remember that it is a raw emotional time for both of you. Don’t think of your marriage as a failure that’s not necessarily true, even though it can feel that way. Instead, recall what you succeeded at doing together and find things to be grateful for so your hearts are lighter as you plan for a brighter future for you both.
