Knowing what makes yourself happy and what you need to do to get there is an inside job. Knowing how to share that with another person begins with taking responsibility for your own dreams and wishes, and not blaming others for where you are today. Once you have an honest assessment of your own needs and dreams, then conversation can begin. Then the opening line will be about possibility, rather than simply the fact that you are unhappy.
Our lives today are so busy, full and amazingly complicated. Not just television, radio and Internet, but the number of people we meet, the number of hours we spend at work, and the expectations on activities outside work, all play into the high level of almost constant noise each of us deals with today. All this activity can muddle our thoughts and take us away from focusing on deeper needs.
Some people find it helpful to pick up hobbies that they do to clear their thinking and figure out what they want in life. Everything from bicycling to running, meditation to church services, gardening to camping, and others like horseback riding, yoga, or hunting. So, the first question is, what have you done to address any unhappiness in your life before deciding to get a divorce?
Consider a couple where one member has walked into a 12-step program and worked the program for several years, but their spouse is still struggling with personal issues that make it difficult to share growth and insights. In this instance, the spouse who has sought growth-producing help usually has thought a great deal about what was making them unhappy and is now on a path looking for what makes them happy instead. The support and thoughtfulness that they learned in such a process makes it much easier for them to share what they’ve learned and start a conversation with their partner.
Another example might be a couple in which one or the other person has had a life-threatening injury and recovered from it. Whether or not there are still some disability-related issues, a person who goes through such an experience sometimes looks deeply at themselves and discovers things they wish to change or things they wish to do, often things they have previously put off. Once again, their experience gives them an opportunity to take stock and evaluate what is truly important to them, and share that with their spouse.
Of course, there are also other life-changing experiences, which happen when one spouse meets someone else, or gets an offer to move far away for a job, or has a family member pass away. The list goes on and on.
Life has a way of taking its own path sometimes, and looking back or ahead is often easier than looking at now. The way human experience works, we often look backwards as our brains are wired for lots of memories, and we often look forward as our brains are also wired for planning for survival. However, prior to talking to your spouse, it is really important to make a list of the things about what is real to you today, at this moment, and what is most important about today. Try not to list what is in the past; we all make mistakes and have bad times. Instead, make the list about what is important today and what you want to achieve in your life. A list of goals, dreams, wishes, and ideas for accomplishing them can be the foundation for a great discussion.
Once the self-reflection part is honestly done, then it’s time to open a conversation with your spouse. It is important to have the other person’s full attention for this conversation, so plan a time when you can both sit and talk without disruption. Also, it’s a good idea to prepare for the conversation’s multiple outcomes. This is not to say to prepare for the worst, but to be open to all that may occur, and have ideas about what you will need to say or do given the possible outcomes.
Try to relax. It is so easy to slip into believing that what we are about to say can only be a bad thing, that many people seem to project this right into the middle of the conversation, even before it has started. It may or may not be perceived as bad by the other person and even if that is the initial reaction, it matters that this conversation is framed in positive possibilities, even if the outcome includes divorce.
Positive possibilities might include some breathing room for one or both people to think things through for themselves, and an honest reflection of how difficult this might seem while being prepared to walk through it all gently. Statements that do not belong in this conversation are things like, “If you don’t ______, then I am going to file for divorce.”
People change and not always together at the same time. Some can weather changes easily and some cannot. Each of us has our own journey with our own belief system, and in today’s world those journeys and beliefs are not as commonly similar between spouses as they may have once been in smaller, more insulated communities. The bombardment of information and communication has become such a stimulating aspect of our environment that change is occurring for many people at a faster rate than ever before.
Once you start this conversation with your spouse, there is no telling where it will lead. Be open to surprises be gentle in any expressions of disappointment or sorrow and avoid shaming the other person. Appreciate what you have had together and plan a future that is healthy and balanced for both of you.
Go into this conversation knowing that change is difficult for most people simply by nature, and that things might get tricky and confusing for a time as change takes its course. Know that the confusion, if any, will end, and everyone will survive.
Let this time be full of positive possibilities, like agreeing to go on a whitewater rafting trip or skiing down a mountain you have never been down before. Until you get to the end of the course, you will be on an adventure, and the outcome can be recognition of another wonderful life experience. It is up to you how to approach it, and make it a safe, positive experience for you both.
