Divorce Support: From Giving Them Space to Letting them Vent, Offer Help
Q: Dear Susie,
My friend is in the process of divorcing, negotiating custody, settlement, etc., and is extremely stressed. While we’ve been friends for years, she seems distant and I’m not sure how to be the supportive friend I want to be. How can I know what she needs, and when to back off?
A: There is no way around it. Divorce is stressful. And it’s a natural urge to want to comfort those we love and to somehow, “make it better.” Here are some suggestions:
1. Consider who is this about?
It makes us feel better when we can do that. But grief is a deeply personal place and ultimately, healing is an inside job. It looks different for each person. In some instances, we really can comfort. One person wants nothing more than to be held and cry it out, while another might wish to share war stories for hours on end. Some might prefer to grieve privately. They may put up emotional walls to be able to do so. Still another may need to distance from the whole matter for awhile until ready to approach the intense feelings involved. Some will go for a run while some take to their beds. Others get lost in their work or watch sad movies that access tears or write their feelings in journals. Whether following a death, or the end of a marriage, the grief process will often follow some common stages, but those will look different on each person. The important thing is to follow the lead of the bereaved. This will take some time.
2. Ask what they need.
Your friend’s timetable may not be yours. The best we can offer anyone we care for as they go through a difficult time is to recognize and respect their need, but be careful not to impose our own desire to help. In some cases, we can come right out and ask, “How can I help? I want to give you what you need, but I am not sure what that is.” Some people can’t ask that question, and some cannot answer it. So listen to what they are not saying. If they go off to be alone, let them, then gently welcome them back with a warm smile when they are ready for company. They are showing you what they need. If they seem to be isolating in depression, extend an invitation to a light movie, a sporting event or a concert. That kind of outing doesn’t require as much interaction as, say, lunch. If it feels right, you might also offer to babysit so they can get out on their own, or offer to bring over dinner and a board game. One of my own friends got creative and sent a gift certificate for a massage.
3. Try to avoid giving unsolicited advice, be ready and willing to listen without judgment, and to listen some more.
When in doubt, just be a good friend and follow his/her cues. Whether we are five or ninety-five, each loss we experience is different, and each brings back all the other losses we have known. In most case, the human spirit knows what to do and eventually life goes on, embracing the fond memories we choose to keep, releasing the pain, and opening to embrace the next chapter of life.
4. When to seek professional help?
Pretty much anyone experiencing separation or divorce could benefit from some skillful, compassionate counseling, and even more so if there are children involved. But if a person seems deeply depressed over time, or appears completely detached from the loss, or is behaving in ways that genuinely concern you, consult a mental health professional, physician or clergy member immediately. They can help ascertain if there is a need for professional help to get through this time.
