Dating Dad Wonders How to Date Mothers with Different Parenting Styles
Dear Lisa,
I recently read an article on MSN.com by you that talked about dating and kids. I am divorced with a 15-year-old boy and was dating–until recently–someone who had a 14-year-old girl and an 11-year-old boy. She had full custody of her kids. I have rotating weekends. One of the issues that ending up breaking us up was our parenting styles. How do you move forward when you have two different styles and know that in the long run if you get married, it will drive you crazy and will be the source of arguments and hard feelings down the road?
Dating Dad
Dear Dating Dad,
This is a tough challenge when you’re dating a parent. And it’s very common. It’s really important that the dating parents don’t try to impose their own parenting styles on their date’s children. This often sparks resentment in the children.
When I first began dating Bill, we quickly realized we had very different parenting styles and values. For example, I fed my son organic, milk-free foods, while Bill fed his kids lots of hot dogs and ice cream. When we formed our stepfamily, we took great care to avoid forcing one parent’s style on the other’s children. However, it wasn’t easy. We established separate rules for his kids and my son and even bought a house with “his” and “hers” refrigerators. We often cooked separate meals for his kids and my son. I was not in charge of disciplining his children, and he was not in charge of disciplining my son. (For more information about that topic, visit www.stepfamilytalkradio.com and listen to the audio, “The Stepparent’s Role,” an interview with Margorie Engel.) We describe our efforts to do this in our book, One Family, Two Family, New Family” (www.stepfamilyadvice.com).
If you decide to embrace this approach, it’s critical to tell your kids that your partner has a different parenting style, and you respect her style. Do not criticize her parenting style. At best, this type of approach teaches kids tolerance for other people’s values.
However, it can also be confusing to kids who are used to living under one set of rules. Some kids may also see this type of arrangement as unfair. For example, I was very strict about TV-watching, and Bill was not. My son complained that his stepsiblings got to watch TV, while he generally wasn’t allowed to watch TV. It’s important to be as consistent as possible in this case. I simply told my son, “We have different values about some things. You get to stay up later than his kids.”
Some dating parents and parents in stepfamilies try to establish a single set of rules. I think this works well if they have similar parenting styles. Whenever possible, you and your date should try to find common ground. For example, you may both agree that the kids should go to bed at 10 p.m. on weekends.
For more information about this topic, click on www.stepfamilyadvice.com
Best,
Lisa
