This is definitely a danger zone topic money is one of the most common points of conflict in a marriage. There is a lot of emotion behind money matters, so you will need to proceed with caution when you approach something as serious as a spouse hiding debt. You need to talk to them right away, don’t put it off. But before you do, there are a few things you should consider first.
Think about how you two handle money. Personality has a lot to do with how each of you think about money, how you manage money, and how you talk about money. Don’t assume you will approach money topics in the same manner.
In marriage, sometimes opposites attract; one spouse may be a saver, the other a spender. If undisclosed debt is an issue, you need to look at the reasons behind your spouse hiding this fact from you. Is it shame or embarrassment? Or do you fear it is for malicious reasons? Or is there some sort of relationship miscommunication that is driving the problem?
Have you noticed certain stressors? One man’s (or woman’s) spending may be another man’s therapy. For some, excessive spending makes them feel better. Or are there unidentified stressors? Look beyond the surface, there is more to their behavior than you might think. Be curious, not vengeful. Check your assumptions at the door; go into this discussion with an open mind.
If you can communicate effectively and move forward, now is the time to come up with a plan to address the current problem and prevent it from happening again.
- Talk about your money regularly. Once a week to start, then moving to once a month when you have better control of your finances;
- Print both of your credit reports on a regular basis; if issues resurface, you will notice unusual occurrences on the reports;
- Begin fresh with a new understanding of each other’s money patterns, so you can support each other through difficult times;
- Take this opportunity to develop new spending patterns with clear and honest communication about money.
If you aren’t able to move your conversations forward to create a plan, you might consider hiring a financial advisor or coach to mediate and assist you in resolving issues and to develop new strategies. Considering the emotions that surround money, sometimes talking to a counselor may help you understand more about your spending patterns and the reasons behind them.
Yet, when a spouse lies or hides debt from the other, trust is damaged, and sometimes depending on the reasons for their behavior it may be beyond repair. Hopefully, you will choose to look for solutions rather than end your relationship. Seeking resolution armed with understanding and knowledge will make your task easier.
