Dating after Divorce: Trend in Dating Offers Opportunities for Newly Divorced
The bar is packed with suitors lined up against the far wall for a chance with the women sipping drinks in front of them. A typical singles night, but with a twist: every woman has a numbered sign and scorecard. Welcome to speed dating. Started by an L.A. rabbi as a way for Jewish bachelors to meet potential mates, the practice has rapidly found favor with busy singles. Use caution, however: what appears to be romantic musical chairs can be fraught with the pressure of making a good first impression. This can be especially trying for the recently divorced, many of whom are still grappling with the fall-out of past relationships.
Deborah, who asked that her last name not be used, is a film director in her thirties who recently ended a six-year marriage. “When I got married a part of me was relieved, because it meant my days of playing the dating game were over. But then it ends, and you’re thrust back into it.” She plays with the edges of her scorecard. It’s like moving to a foreign country, and not speaking the language.”
According to psychologist Philip Belove, Ed.d (drbelove@datingatmidlife.com), the process of finding someone new happens in stages. “At first you’re still reacting to what’s happened. Often people at this stage do short-term relationships with little future, and this is a kind of safety for them. It’s also a form of self-sabotage, an instinctive check against proceeding down a path without having lain the necessary groundwork first. In a format as concentrated as speed dating, not having a clear idea of what you’re looking for could prove disastrous. A person should ask themselves, ‘How afraid am I of being alone?’ If the answer is ‘Very’, then that’s a sign you’re not able to develop standards and are just reacting.”
Deborah’s first date, a software engineer, comes over, and they spend a few moments engaged in small-talk. After less than a minute, however, he deliberately shifts gears and starts posing serious questions about work, family and relationship wants. It’s a jarring break from the gradual build of a typical conversation. Finally the date ends, participants mark their scorecards, and it’s on to the next person.
“It felt wrong almost instantly, but I kept pushing myself to answer his questions,” she says, signaling the bartender over for a much-needed second drink. “Saying no isn’t easy, especially now, with the little voice inside saying take what you can get, and be happy for it.”
Lauren Kaufman is a veteran of a grueling, three-year divorce process, and understands first-hand the toll it can take. “The best way to bolster self-esteem is to join a support group,” she says. “You gain a tremendous knowledge hearing how others cope and what they’re doing to help themselves. Learning what steps need to be taken is vital to feeling better about yourself.” A participant in Transitions, a support group for the newly separated and divorced, she suggests contacting local churches or branches of the mental health community to locate one.
“It’s a little like looking for a house,” says Belove. “You can have a general idea but you have to really walk around inside of a few different ones to discover what you want. Maybe that woman who’s a little older and a lot smarter will make you happier than the younger woman you liked at first. Maybe the guy who looks a little shabby, but has great relationships with his kids is more what you really want. Speed dating is an exercise in intuition. Go with it.”
Which is not to say there won’t be hiccups along the way. For, as Deborah discovers repeatedly, there’s nothing as certain to douse chemistry as prematurely revealing your past. But therein lies the dilemma: how can you honestly portray yourself without touching on what had been, until recently, a major focus of your life? Kaufman believes that honesty isn’t at stake, but rather, preventing self-sabotage through putting the past into perspective. “If you need to rehash your past you are not ready to enter a new relationship,” she says simply. “Wait until you are asked about it.”
“Have a couple of interesting activities to discuss, like a recent visit to a gallery, a ski trip or dinner at a new restaurant,” suggests dating expert Leslie Meredith as an alternative. “And if you haven’t done anything interesting lately? Go do something BEFORE you try speed dating!”
“Despite the gauntlet they’ve just run, a levity and sense of hope is shared by the participants come night’s end. Everyone here, despite their personal conflicts, is united in the belief that someone better is out there, and worth finding. I thought I’d be singled out for being a dabbler,” says Deborah, glancing over the list of dates that noted a connection with her, and provided their info. “But that wasn’t the case. I thought three guys were interesting, and two of them thought the same of me. Those are pretty good odds.” She tucks the scorecard into her pocket, and for the first time that night, unbuttons her jacket. “It’s the worrying that kills you. Am I still attractive, can I be happy with someone else? Actually doing it is so much better.”
SPEED DATING SCORECARD
The most popular speed dating sites have strengths and weaknesses. Here’s a brief list to decide what might be right for you:
1. Woo Me (woome.com) is a new site that takes video conferencing to a whole new level. All dates are conducted online in one to three minute increments, and if there’s a spark, users have the option to befriend each other on the service, and get in touch outside the site for further communication via private message. Pros: Minimal commitment, ability to opt out at any time, free to use. Cons: Clock is ticking, lack of face-to-face contact can make connecting difficult.
2. With nearly 3 million dates and counting, Hurrydate (hurrydate.com) is the go-to site for speed daters. A dedicated staff will spiff up your profile to make sure you get off on the right foot for matching online and through their events, which promises up to 50 dates in a single night. Pros: All-in-one package, wide variety of potential matches, communal atmosphere. Cons: Can be daunting for a newcomer, extra costs can add up.
3. Predating (Pre-dating.com) and 8 Minute Dating (8minutedating.com) each strike a balance between number of singles and intimacy. Event sizes are strictly controlled, with an average of 10-12 dates per person, and pre-selection ensures an even balance between men and women. Pros: Smaller events offer more time with dates, participant selection means better chances of finding common interests. Cons: Events fill up fast, so early registration is recommended.
Anish Majumdar is a freelance writer based in New York City. He can be reached at majumdar.anish@gmail.com.
