Parenting: Extreme Reactions Can Give Children Justification for Poor Behavior
It’s a risk parents run particularly with a first child, an only child, a last child at home, a child in crisis, or a child with special needs: becoming so absorbed in, preoccupied by, and invested in that single child that they overparent to formative effect. Overparenting occurs when parents carry some concern or care-taking behavior to such an extreme degree that the child reacts with an extremely troublesome response.
For example: parents who treat their child and that child’s happiness as number one priority in the family risk having a child who believes he or she is unduly self-important. My wants and welfare matter most of all.
Empowered by this sense of entitlement, not only may the child establish a tyranny of self-interest in the family, but may also seem incapable of playing and socializing on other children’s terms, and so have difficulty making and keeping friends. What’s called for in this case, of course, is for parents to moderate their absorption, preoccupation, and investment so that the child learns to live in two-way relationships that honor everyone’s importance, and not just in a one-way relationship that ministers to his or her needs alone. Parents who place undue importance on the child can encourage the child to claim undue importance in the family.
Consider some other common examples of overparenting.
In response to overly solicitous parents, a child can become extremely sensitive and easily upset.
I get treated so carefully by my parents that I get easily hurt when not treated with that degree of consideration by other people.
In response to overly critical parents, a child can become extremely judgmental and self-critical.
I can never do well enough to satisfy my parents, am really hard on myself and other people say that I am too hard on them.
My parents do so much for me and so little for themselves, I feel that I owe them the same return, even if it means sacrificing what I want for myself.
In response to over ambitious parents who treat their child’s achievements as their own, a child can become extremely driven.
My parents always want ‘the best for me’ which really means ‘the best from me,’ so I work very hard not to disappoint their expectations, putting myself under a lot of stress.
In response to over protective parents who continually restrict their son or daughter’s freedom out of worry of worldly harm, a child can become extremely anxious and cautious.
I don’t feel safe taking risks or going on adventures like my friends because all I can think about is how I might get hurt.
In response to over controlling parents who want involvement in all the child’s choices to ensure good decisions are made, the child can become extremely dependent and passively resistant.
I’ve learned to let my parents take responsibility for me, and when I don’t like their choices I agree with what they say, but take forever to do what they want.
In response to overindulgent parents who love giving their child what is wanted and can’t stand displeasing the boy or girl by saying no, a child can become extremely wed to immediate gratification, acting very willful to that end.
Because I’m used to getting my way with my parents, I don’t let them refuse what I want.
In response to over praising parents who can’t say enough good to their child about that boy or girl, the child can come to believe these rave reviews from parents and develop a degree of arrogance.
I know I could do better at most things than other children because my parents always tell me so.
I was allowed to live by own rules and can’t stand being told what I must and cannot do.In response to over strict parents who enforce absolute compliance to their severe behavioral agenda, a child can become rigidly obedient and demanding of others.
I always act ‘right’ according to the rules I’ve been taught to follow, and I expect others to do like me.
In response to over enabling parents who continually keep the child from confronting consequences of unwise or wrongful choices, a child can act with irresponsible abandon and impunity, confident of parental rescue should bad outcomes occur.
If I get into trouble I know my parents will get me out.
There is also an implication for discipline here. A lot of times, the more extreme a child’s behavior, the more extreme measures parents take in response, the more extreme the child feels justified in acting, as a bad situation becomes worse. Thus the more obstinate the child acts, the more punitively the parents react, the more stubbornly resolved the child becomes to remain resistant.
So parents would probably have been better served by softening or becoming more flexible in their approach to give the child room to consider different choices for moving off his or her obstinate stand. So what’s the point of all the above examples? Simply this: there’s a caution that over parenting has to teach. If you find your child to be extremely characterized by a trait that has more harmful influence than good, check out your parenting. You may be overparenting in some complicit way to your child’s cost. Moderate your own behavior and you may be able to help your child moderate his or her own.
