Trust Is Risky Business
Trust is risky business. It involves the risk that the trusted person will pull through for us by safeguarding whatever it is we have put into their possession. Some trust involves relatively minor issues that are pretty straightforward. You take your clothes to the dry cleaner and trust that in exchange for $5, you will receive your beautiful cashmere sweater back nice and clean. If the dry cleaner messes up and shrinks it to a pre-teen size, you lose a sweater, which can probably be replaced for a reasonable sum.
Relationship-based trust involves higher stakes. In this type of trust, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable to another based on an assumption that this person means us well. When we marry, most people stand at an altar and promise to stay together until death do them part. We entrusted our future and our hearts to someone because we had faith they would take good care of what we had given them and always be there for us.
When it all falls apart in divorce, we can feel betrayed and our ability to trust others and trust ourselves can be shattered. After all, we picked this person and it didn’t work out. Feeling confident that we have a good handle on when trust is and isn’t warranted is an essential part of moving ahead after divorce. It’s also crucial to the success of future relationships.
HOW TO REGAIN TRUST IN YOURSELF
Often those who have been betrayed live in the agony of self-doubt and engage in constant second-guessing about their decisions. So, before you can begin to trust others, you have to find a way back to trusting yourself. Here are three steps you can take to rebuild your trust in yourself.
1. Understand how you got into the situation.
Einstein said, “If mankind is to survive. We will need new ways of doing things. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you always got.” So, after you spend some time grieving the end of your marriage, it’s important to take a step back and understand your part in the breakdown of the relationship. This is not about taking blame. It’s about seeing what didn’t serve you.
Ohio State University Professor Dr. Roy Lewicki says, “Take stock and ask yourself how did I contribute to the problem? Was I too naive? Did I step over red flags? Did I allow something I was uncomfortable with? Are there things in the way I make decisions that I need to take a look at?” Once you get clear about how your beliefs and actions contributed to the problem, you are in a great place to develop new beliefs and learn new behaviors that will contribute to creating the kind of outcomes you want.
2. Listen to your intuition.
“Your intuition is a valuable early warning system that something or someone is either good for you or not good for you. Our intuition is often based on things we are observing about how the other person conducts their life. Our trust in another individual can be grounded in our evaluation of his or her ability, integrity, and benevolence. The more we observe these characteristics in another person, the more our level of trust is likely to grow,” Dr. Lewicki said.
According to Dr. Lewicki, assessing another’s abilities involves analyzing that person’s skills, knowledge, and competencies so that we are assured they have what it takes to perform in a way that will meet our expectations. Assessing another’s integrity involves asking yourself whether that person’s past actions, communications, and commitment to standards of fairness adhere to principles acceptable to you. Assessing their benevolence involves observing actions such as honest and open communication, delegating decisions, and sharing control. Actions such as these show this person is concerned enough about our welfare to advance our interests or at least not torpedo them.
If someone is regularly failing to meet your standards of ability, integrity, and benevolence, pay attention to that sick feeling in your gut and act accordingly.
3. Develop good boundaries.
Boundaries are imaginary lines we establish around ourselves to protect our souls, hearts, and minds from the unhealthy or damaging behavior of others. In her bestselling book, “Stand Up For Your Life,” Cheryl Richardson writes, “Every time you neglect to take a stand or protect your time and energy, you send a message to yourself that you can’t be trusted.” When you allow someone to treat you disrespectfully, self-loathing develops. Let’s face it, if we don’t stand up for ourselves, who will?
When boundaries are weak, we attract needy, disrespectful people into our lives. They waste a lot of your energy. And when boundaries are healthy, trust is rarely an issue and fear is diminished. Family and friends respect you more and you start growing more emotionally, she writes.
HOW TO ENFORCE BOUNDARIES
Yes. It is possible to enforce boundaries and still have friends, but you’ll want to be big about how you handle this. Respond immediately at the first sense that the other person is about to get near or cross your boundary. If you wait, you are playing a hopeful or victim game. Do not be a DQ (drama queen). Stop the disturbs before they happen and most are predictable if you’ll make the commitment to take care of yourself this well.
1. Be constructive at first.
You can protect yourself and at the same time make this a contribution to the other person. You needn’t get on your high horse and do the “you offended me” routine. Say things like: “You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising their voice to me. Would you be willing to speak quietly with me? Yes, I can take the time to listen to your problems about Jan. I have about 20 minutes. Will that be enough time?,” or “I am unable to be with you when you are angry. I hope you understand my need to leave the room when you are disturbed. I do want to spend time with you and I love you.”
2. Sledgehammer Approach
Mark Twain said, “If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.” So, save the sledgehammer approach for times when the other person is so into their stuff that they can’t hear your unconditionally constructive request to back off. Assuming you are willing to take responsibility for the environment you allow yourself to be in, here are a couple of straight-shooting ways to protect your boundaries. And you may lose the friendship or relationship. For example, “Steve, that’s it! You no longer get to say that to me, ever again. Got that?” (Stay with the person. Repeat it if necessary, until he really gets it and agrees to change.) Or, “Mary, you are being mean. Please stop it right now. I am no longer willing to help you, if you keep fighting me.”
If you’re getting really angry at someone, first look to see where you didn’t act early enough. Then, make the biggest request you can of that person to have them treat you exactly as you wish and need to be treated. Do not figure out whether they can do what you’re asking. Just ask for or demand it. If they care enough, they will accept it and change their behavior accordingly. If they give you a bad time about it or can’t seem to deliver, then it is time to get this need met by someone else, or to let go of the relationship until such time as they are able to be good to you.
Once you have rebuilt your ability to trust yourself. You are ready to begin trusting others.
10 QUESTIONSTOASSESS TRUSTWORTHINESS
1. Have I observed this person in many situations over an extended period of time?
For the trust-wary, there is no substitute for time. You have to see someone in many different situations over a long period of time before you know what kind of stuff they’re made of. Let a new love interest know you need a lot of time to get to know who they are and who you are together before you’re ready to commit. Life Coach Amy Schoen, author of “Motivated to Marry,” believes, The right person will appreciate where you’ve come from and won’t push you.
2. Is this person available for family events and holidays?
If not, they may have already a family they’re not telling you about.
3. Do they frequently work late/weekends/take business trips?
Hmmm. Perhaps you should find out where they’re going and what they’re doing.
4. Do they tell you the important stuff right up front or do you find yourself being blindsided by deal-breakers?
“Telling the whole truth, whether it’s about sex or health or money problems builds trust. I had a client who found out her fiance had huge debt. If he had told her about the debt early in their relationship she probably could have worked through it. As it was, she began to wonder what else he was hiding. In the end, she decided not to go ahead with the marriage,” Schoen said.
5. Are they sincere or do they placate you by telling you what they think you want to hear?
While this tip is closely related to tip #4, it’s more about how they operate in the present than whether they’ve messed up in the past. Learning to ask for what you want and need right now, rather than merely parrot back what you think the other person wants you to want and need, allows you to be transparent in a relationship. Transparency builds trust.
6. Are they reliable?
Do they call/arrive when they say they will? If they say they’re going to do something, do they actually do it? This shows respect and consideration for other people. Reliability is Job One and very, very sexy.
7. Do they share their emotions?
If so, they’re comfortable in their own skin. A good sign they have nothing to hide.
8. Do they remain rational?
No ranting, raving, yelling or screaming, please. Such out of control behavior is a smokescreen and what’s behind that smokescreen isn’t something you want in your life.
9. Do they think in terms of “me” or “we?”
In the world of the narcissist, everything is about ME and that leaves no place for YOU or WE. You want someone who is over themselves. Look for someone who can focus on, care about, and make choices based on the well-being of other people while at the same time, honoring their own needs.
10. Are they willing to earn your trust?
New relationships are wonderful opportunities to find love don’t hold them captive to the sadness of the past. At the same time, once you decide you’re willing to consider trusting someone, remember: he/she has to be willing to earn your trust.
