Congratulations! Rather than running out to file your divorce in the courts, you have opted to mediate first. But now what? Unfortunately, many people agree to mediation without really knowing what it is. And many more come to mediation sessions with little or no preparation, no goals, and no guidelines for their participation in the process. Mediation truly is as effective and beneficial as it is hyped-up to be. But in order to take full advantage of the process, you need to do your homework.
First, what is mediation? Mediation is a forum in which a specially trained neutral party assists the divorcing couple in facilitating agreements regarding parenting, finances, and potentially alimony and child support. The process is voluntary. The mediator will not issue any rulings or order either party to do anything. The mediation can take place in one session or over a period of sessions. In these sessions, you can expect the mediator to ask you directly what it is you want. What are your concerns? What are your hopes? What do you need? Likewise, the mediator will ask your partner these things. Maintaining respect for the other party is critical to resolving issues. Name calling, yelling, and sarcasm should not be tolerated by the mediator. They undermine your goals and quite frankly, waste everyone’s time.
For mediation to be effective, you need to do your homework. If you have children, make notes about their routines, their extracurricular activities, and their likes/dislikes. Consider your children’s temperaments as it relates to the divorce. If a child is easygoing, then transitioning to two homes may be easier than you thought, but if you have a temperamental child, then you may need to make the transition more gradual and enlist the help of a therapist.
Review the possibility of different parenting schedules in your mind. Think outside the box. You are not limited to every other weekend or week on, week off. Consider what works best with your schedule. Also consider the fact that you will want some free time. Balance your children’s need for routine with parental needs to see the children regularly. Only after you have made this determination should you address child support. States vary widely on this issue, so you will need to research the various rules and regulations to determine how to calculate support.
With regard to your assets and liabilities, pull your credit report and take a look before mediation. What is on it? If you have applied for a loan recently, obtain a copy of the loan application from the financial institution. It should contain a financial statement, which would include income, assets, and a list of liabilities. Do you have a retirement plan? Does your partner? If it is employee-sponsored, call the benefits department to learn what would be necessary should a portion of the account be transferred.
Make a list of your monthly income and expenses. Prorate things like gifts, auto maintenance, and other expenses that you don’t pay for monthly. Do you have a deficit? It may be addressed with alimony, depending on your particular circumstances and the laws in your state. Remember that no one can maintain the same standard of living after separation. Two households make that impossible.
After you have done your homework, make a concise proposal that meets your needs and the needs of your children, if you have them. After drafting this proposal, review it and decide for yourself which things you can let go, if needed. Chances are your former partner is not just going to accept your first proposal outright. What can you live with? What is your bottom line? Having considered all of this will make the mediation run that much more smoothly, and the possibility of settlement that much greater.
