I remember the first time my daughter asked me a sex-related question I wasn’t prepared to answer. We were sitting at a local café, drinking tea and sharing a slice of strawberry-rhubarb pie. Behind us, a folk singer was pouring his heart out to a crowd of friends and neighbors. It had been a mellow evening. And then this: “Hey, mom? I was wondering … when a man donates sperm, does he have an operation to get the sperm out?”

Before this, my daughter’s questions about bodies and sex had never fazed me. I used the proper terms for body parts and described sex as something physiological and — when safe and consensual — something pleasurable, fun and not at all shameful. But this particular question threw me. I stumbled a bit, trying to come up with an answer that would satisfy her natural, fourth-grader curiosity while sidestepping any situation that resulted in me describing male masturbation over tea and pie.

“It’s not an operation. It’s, um, well, it’s sort of like he’s urinating.” She nodded. I diverted. “So, isn’t this pie great? And how about the music? What a good night we’ve had. What should we do tomorrow? Go for a hike, maybe? Is that book you’re reading any good?” Two years later, I’m pretty sure that she knows how sperm donors donate, but I should probably make sure. I’ll bring it up when we’re not surrounded by neighbors at the local café.

Sometimes, parenting through puberty is filled with slightly awkward, funny moments like this — moments you know you’ll laugh about later and share with your child when they’re a parent. But more often than not, parenting through adolescence isn’t a laughing matter. In fact, when you’re facing a world filled with date rape, drug overdoses, drunk drivers, depression, suicide, cyber bullying and eating disorders, watching your child transition from sweet, innocent kid to all-knowing, independent adult can be more than a little bit frightening. For many parents, especially single parents who are raising a child of the opposite sex, puberty can seem like a never-ending series of unfortunate and highly awkward events.

And, let’s face it, when your formerly talkative, loving child starts to butt heads with you on every topic and becomes prone to slamming their bedroom door and stewing for hours, it’s tempting to just avoid them — to let them have the teen version of “crying it out.” But research shows that positive parenting during puberty — parenting that focuses on nurturing, communicating and educating — has many benefits, including a reduction in aggression and delinquency and higher rates of self-esteem and academic achievement.

So how do you employ positive parenting techniques during your child’s transition into adulthood?

1. Be open, honest and communicative

Experts recommend a straightforward approach for kids entering their puberty years and say parents should keep up on what type of information is appropriate for different stages of development. If you start talking about bodies and bodily functions in a natural, honest way when your kids are 2 or 3 years old, you’re going to have a much easier time answering some of the more advanced questions that come with puberty.

For Angela Van Art-Zook, the path toward positive puberty parenting began way before her 12-year-old daughter started middle school.

“We’ve had open, frank discussions since she was 3 years old,” Angela says. “She would ask questions in the bathroom about my period, about what was happening to my body. And any question she has ever had, I have answered as honestly and thoroughly as possible.”

Karena Sundaram Marcum, a single mother living in Portland, Oregon, is raising a 13-year-old son. Being an elementary school teacher has helped her better understand child development, and Karena’s son has never been shy about asking his mom “tough” questions.

“He started asking about things in fourth grade,” Karena says. “He asks me about things that I hadn’t even heard about until I was in my 30s! I knew that if I didn’t tell him, he’d look it up. And I’ve always been very open with him. But I also wanted to shelter him a little bit, so I’d talk to him, but I’d keep it age-appropriate.”

Telling your children the truth about what’s happening to their bodies and answering their questions about sex, menstruation, birth control, STD-prevention, drugs and other sensitive subjects helps dispel the mystery and the fear. Think back to when you were going through these massive physical and emotional changes. Wasn’t it a little bit scary? Didn’t you latch on to every piece of information to fill in the giant void in front of you? Wouldn’t you prefer that your children get these pieces of information from you instead of from their best friend’s 16-year-old brother? Exactly.

“Give them as much information as is appropriate for their age,” Karena recommends. “Get to know them. Get to know their friends. The more you talk to them about what’s going on in their lives … and the more you show them that their mistakes are growing opportunities, the more they’ll come to you with their feelings and their questions.”

Feeling fuzzy about some of the facts surrounding your child’s leap into adolescence? Planned Parenthood offers a great Puberty 101 Guide for parents and their children, and answers some of the basics like “What happens to boys/girls during puberty?” and “What are children’s biggest concerns during puberty?” This fact sheet from KidsHealth.org helps parents figure out some of the emotional and mental changes that are taking place during the puberty years.

2. Show affection

The ironic thing about adolescence is that, just when parents and children tend to decrease their daily shows of physical affection (hugging, kissing and cuddling), is the exact time when children need a great deal of nurturing and non-threatening physical touch. Research shows that showing physical affection for your children — in this case, daily hugs — is linked to higher self-esteem, better academic performance and fewer psychological and behavioral problems.

If your child is becoming increasingly embarrassed to hug you in front of their peers, honor their feelings and hold that hug for when you get home or for bedtime. Some children feel very uncomfortable in their own skin when the physical effects of puberty take hold and, even if they desire hugs and cuddles, will shy away from these types of physical displays of affection. But keep in mind that they still need to feel affection from mom or dad. Often, you may need to adjust your physical affection to make your child feel more comfortable.

For instance, Karena says she has massaged her son since he was a baby. Now that he’s 13, the ritual has changed a little bit.

“He has loved massage since he was an infant,” Karena says. “And I used to give him a massage every night, at bedtime. But, now that he’s older, he doesn’t want me to do that at bedtime. He wants his privacy and wants to be alone … so I give him a massage while we’re sitting on the couch, watching television. I’ll rub his shoulders and back. It’s just something that we’ve always done and it’s a nice way of relaxing.”

Researchers at the University of Miami’s Touch Research Institute have done studies on the health benefits of touch and say daily touch reduces stress hormones and could strengthen a person’s immune system. Another study showed that French children, who receive more touch than American children from their parents, were less aggressive with their peers. In other words, those hugs could help you have a less angry teenager in the house. Who doesn’t want that?

3. Find your tribe

When Scott D.’s wife died five years ago, the couple’s daughter was only 6 years old and puberty seemed a long way off. Luckily, Scott’s wife had the forethought to set up a tribe of “surrogate moms” to help her husband and daughter through the rockier parenting moments. Now that Scott’s daughter is a few weeks shy of 11 and entering puberty, he says he relies more and more on “the surrogate moms” to guide him through the mysteries of raising a girl on the verge of womanhood.

“When she wanted to start wearing a bra, she went to the women around her and they helped her get one,” Scott says. “I didn’t know that it was normal for girls to want to wear a bra even when they didn’t need one. Luckily, there were plenty of women in her life who knew that this was normal.”

Having this tribe of helpers is invaluable, especially for single parents whose former partners are not an active part of their child’s life.

Karena agrees. She says she often relies on the opinions of her friends who have already raised teenage boys. A few weeks ago, for example, at Karena’s 51st birthday party, a group of her mama friends approached her and told her she has to “have the condom talk” with her 13-year-old son.

“I didn’t realize that we needed to talk about that yet, but they were very insistent that I needed to do it now and not wait until he was sexually active,” Karena says. “I sat outside his bedroom door and we talked about condoms — I think it’s easier for him when he doesn’t have to look me in the eye during these types of talks — and I told him I would make them available to him, or, when the time came, I would give him money to buy condoms himself.”

Finding your tribe sometimes means finding men or women you trust to help talk to your child about the issues that are most important to him or her. It’s easy enough to talk to your daughter about menstruation when you’ve been through this every month for the past 25 years, but when you’re a mother trying to understand a son’s fear of erection-in-public or a father trying to wade through a sea of tampons, things get a bit trickier. That’s where the tribe of trusted friends comes in handy.

“It’s not that I don’t talk to her about these things,” Scott says. “We talk and I answer her questions. But I haven’t gone through these stages. I don’t know about some of these things that she’s going through.”

His advice for other single dads is to “have a strong support group of people” and, when in doubt, research the things that you’re unsure about. “The Internet is a great thing for single parents looking for information,” he says.

4. Focus on the positive

Sometimes we concentrate so much on the negative aspects of puberty and adolescence that we forget about the wonderful changes that take place in our children’s lives.

“I think that it’s getting easier to parent now,” Karena says. “My son is getting more considerate and he’s seeing the bigger picture, so some of the power struggles we had earlier in his development don’t happen as often now. He’s been doing things around the house. He lets me sleep in without demanding I make him breakfast. It’s empowering for him to take care of himself more often. I see it as a positive time for us.”

Scott also notices positives related to puberty.

“I’m not the best housekeeper,” he admits. “But (my daughter) has started to take on some of those domestic things around the house.”

Likewise, Angela, the Pennsylvania mother of a 12-year-old daughter, says the onset of puberty has its positive side.

“I’m relieved that there’s no more anxiety about how she will handle the ‘firsts,'” Angela says. “She breezed right through getting her first period … and we can relate to each other more now.”

Adolescence can be fraught with lows, but realizing some of the highs — teens are funny and opinionated and can help you experience the wonder and excitement of the world again — will help you find balance as a parent.

“Don’t panic,” advises Angela. “You’ll be fine. And so will your child.”