What Do You Do After They Say They Want A Divorce?
“I want to leave you,” he said. “There’s someone else.”
My heart stopped as my husband named a coworker 25 years younger than I, who’d been his best friend at work for years. “I’m in love with her,” he told me.
“But, but, I’m 55 years old, we just adopted a kid, we spent my inheritance,” I sputtered. “How am I going to survive alone? I’m too old to find someone else. I don’t have a job. It’s not fair.” More terror. Being dumped at 35 is one thing; the world is wide open for 35-year-old women. Even 45 isn’t all that bad. But 55? Being left when you’re past 50 is like falling into a black hole. My life, my past life, passed before my eyes. But now there was no future, and I’d never envisioned a future without him.
“She’s my soul mate,” he said, agonized. “I can’t leave her.”
“I thought we were soul mates,” I sniffled. I felt like a character on “As the World Turns” “ except with worse dialogue. “Are you in love with her?” I was hoping it was just an affair that would maybe go away.
“Yes,” he said, unapologetically.
Think you have a really heart-wrenching divorce sob story? I probably can trump it. I was living in the middle of nowhere, in a house on a dirt road that got snowed in during the winter, with a hyperactive two-year-old, no job, no family, an ex who didn’t make enough to support us both and no prospects of finding anyone else because I was too old and had a little kid. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. I just want you to know that I speak from experience when I say that if I can survive, anyone can.
I ran out of the house that night, left my husband with our child, and took off for my friend Kathy’s house. Kathy had been divorced for a few years and knew the ropes. She lectured me about the reality of my situation, told me that the sweet, nice guy I’d loved all these years was going to screw me to the wall. I didn’t believe her then, but of course, everything she warned me about came true. Luckily, she was around to shepherd me through it.
Divorce is a rite of passage that large numbers of women go through every year. Today, one out of eight women will divorce from a first marriage after age 40, and women who are in their late 40s and 50s are as likely to be divorced as widowed by the time they’re 65. But the aftermath of divorce is impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it yourself, especially the impact of divorce on older women. In some ways, widowhood is easier. There is a support system for widows; there are rituals in place to help them grieve. You can’t sit shiva or hold a wake when you get divorced. No one brings casseroles, and there are no sympathy cards. In fact, friends may shun you as though divorce was catching. You may even be blamed for driving him away. Real sympathy and understanding is in short supply.
Alone at 58, broke, traumatized, depressed and feeling like I’d never find a decent job, another man or another life, made me think about how many other women were in the same boat. Or an even worse boat. It also made me think about who women turn to when they get divorced, no matter how old they are: their girlfriends, of course. I was lucky enough to have Kathy to sit me down and warn me about how I’d better get over being part of a couple and start taking care of myself. She told me what to read, insisted I see a lawyer when I was sure I didn’t need one, told me what to expect from my soon-to-be-ex and his new girlfriend, answered my desperate calls at 3 AM, reassured me that I wasn’t going to end up a bag lady, tutored me in the bizarre etiquette of Internet dating and eventually let me know when it was time to can the self-pity and get on with my life.
Divorced women, especially if they’re women of “a certain age,” need advice not only from experts, but from a wise girlfriend who’s been there. If you don’t have a Kathy, or even if you do, I’d like to be that girlfriend. I’ve done a lot of research, and can tell you what you need to know. Whether he left you or you’re planning to leave him, I welcome your questions. Keep in mind that I’m not a lawyer, and can’t give legal advice, but I’ll tell you when you need one. Feel free to ask me anything you want to know about divorce, from how to survive the first year, to how to live alone, to dating again, to dealing with your kids, to “other woman” dilemmas, to reinventing yourself and finding a new career. I’ve been there, done that. And since I got through it, so can you.
About the author: Erica Manfred is the author of “He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40.” For more on Erica, please visit her at HesHistory.Com.
