Human brains are hard-wired with a negativity bias. At birth and up until about 7 years of age, the center of the brain is managing information. We have no cortex thinking processes in place to interpret data logically. The center of the brain holds the fight, flight, and freeze mechanisms that allow us to recognize danger therefore, our amygdala is on alert, constantly checking our environment to make sure we are safe. This wiring creates a continual feedback loop which gives us an adrenaline jolt from negative experience and bad news.
In addition, the two hemispheres of the brain are separate specialists when it comes to information. The left hemisphere specializes in positive experiences and the right focuses on the negative. The ability to connect the information and sort it logically and realistically does not begin to occur until the cortex begins to develop, at about 11 years of age, and the frontal lobe of the cortex does not actually finish connecting until closer to age 30.
While the amygdala stores negative experience in long-term memory almost immediately, the left hemisphere must spend at least 5 to 20 seconds on a positive experience before it even registers, and must hold the positive experience in awareness for more than 12 seconds before that memory can move from short- to long-term memory. So, when we are in crisis or on alert for danger, our brains often do not take the time to recognize positive thoughts, let alone store positive memories.
In addition, previous memories are like hooks in the brain, and if the amygdala identifies current circumstances as similar to any past negative experiences, the brain responds immediately with the fight, flight, or freeze response. This then increases the original memory’s hold in the brain. If we are not paying attention to this biologically-wired system of gathering information, we can become stuck in negativity and truly believe there is no way out.
It takes at least five positive experiences to counteract one negative experience. What often happens when people reach a point of wanting to divorce is that they have been unwittingly storing so many negative experiences in their brains, they are finally overcome. A brain full of negativity easily becomes discouraged, pessimistic, cynical and depressed. This pattern can also lead one to feeling like a victim. Therefore, it is common to see one or the other partner in a couple feeling so defeated they cannot focus their attention on anything but trying to get away from what they have interpreted as the source of their pain.
The facts that one person perceives as the reason for wanting a divorce may be interpreted by another brain in an entirely different manner. Thus we have the crux of the problem different brains equals different experiences, memories, and feelings. So take a couple who once saw each other as the source of all kinds of positive experiences, any 5 of which could counteract a negative experience. They now feel they are stuck in a current feeling of overwhelming discouragement and negativity, and they cannot find a way out of shaming and blaming each other, so they want a divorce.
Each person in this couple may have an amygdala that has collected too many negative experiences to recover without starting over fresh. It’s important to understand what may have happened and learn to look for positives that outweigh the negatives as soon as possible. This encourages both brains to recover their sense of well-being, and offers hope for a brighter future.
