Change is part of the human life cycle. We are also wired to crave happiness and joy in our lives. But even when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, there are times when the two of you may not be going through the same changes at the same time, or you may just think differently.
Sometimes that means that you need to expand and rethink the roles and boundaries of your marriage if you want to stay together. Sometimes the day-to-day routine of marriage creates a deafness and blindness to what our spouse is going through. Waking up to our partner’s concerns and really paying attention can help us discover things that just might help us pull things back together.
A great example of this is depicted in the movie City Slickers starring Billy Crystal, Jack Palance, and Daniel Stern. The story is about a couple who have what appears on the outside to be a good marriage, a happy home, a nice family, etc. Yet Mitch (played by Billy Crystal) is 39 years old, looking at his life and finding no joy. In fact, he feels depressed and the marriage is suffering. So what does his wife do about it? She supports her husband going on a two week vacation without her on a cattle drive. The fact that one of Mitch’s friends who will be on the drive has just been served with divorce papers by his wife highlights the fact that marriages are not the stable, sure bets everyone expects when they say their marriage vows.
The trip takes the men outside of their boxes and pits them against themselves and forces of nature, creating an opportunity for joy, humor, excitement and fear, all of which allow the men to get introspective with themselves, their values, and what is important to each of them. The result is not the same for each man; however, they both come back with a sense of renewal and willingness to move forward feeling empowered and ready to make choices in their lives. In Mitch’s case, he realizes just how much he loves his family and he is able to engage again with his life.
We’re not saying that couples who are struggling should spend money for each other to take separate vacations. Rather it’s an idea to open the possibility for something freeing and supportive and unexpected, which gives space for the unhappy person to dig deep and assess things for themselves. This can also be done with counseling, or simply allowing some time for each person to engage in some kind of hobby or activity outside the traditional roles and expectations of marriage. Day-in and day-out routines based upon employment to support a family, child care activities, or basic eating and rest can become mundane and lonely. Families often get caught in this cycle of drudgery and lose sight of happiness and joy. When each spouse allows the other to find something that refreshes them, it can be a huge gift of love.
It is important to keep a relationship alive by opening the door once in awhile and loosening some ties. At the same time, it is important for each person to pay attention to what a partner is really saying, and ask questions that support honest conversations about each person’s needs. Of course, this requires an understanding by the spouse who is still interested in keeping the marriage that the other person may just decide they want out.
Being grounded, loving without strings, owning one’s separate responsibilities to take care of things, and trusting the outcome either way are key factors. It takes courage to be married and courage to live. It takes courage to open yourself to the possibility of change. Yet change is the only thing that is stable in life. Holding on too tight or taking things too seriously can be the underlying straw that broke the camel’s back in a marriage. Allow your partner room to find their way back to joy and appreciation for life and while you’re at it, work on your own joy.
