Let’s begin with alleviating the general sense of shame around sexual fetishes and bring some facts into the conversation.
First, what is a fetish? Webster’s Dictionary defines fetish as “an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.”
Paul Gebhard, an American anthropologist and sexologist, categorized fetishes into two categories. The first category is media fetishes. Media fetishes occur when an individual is attracted and becomes aroused by a material, or a certain texture or attribute of a material. Examples of media fetishes are leather, rubber, latex and other similar fetishes. The second classification is a form fetish. Form fetishes are for certain types of object forms, the most common of which is the shoe fetish.
Unfortunately, most people with fetishes suffer in shame-based silence, so most partners don’t discover their spouse’s fetish until well into marriage. Each partner will have different reactions; yours may be shock and betrayal as you are left asking yourself, “How did I not know this?” and quite likely, your partner will be left feeling ashamed of their fetish.
A majority of experts say fetishes are not likely to be cured; they are too embedded into the subconscious. So it’s time to communicate, listen, learn and, if possible, adapt. First, start talking about how you feel about discovering the fetish. Then listen to your spouse and how they feel about their fetish. Next, learn and do some research. If the fetish is something that can bring the two of you closer through understanding, you can adapt. If it is something that drives distance and shame into your relationship, you may need the help of a professional sex therapist.
