“You’re the best mom ever!”
Around Mother’s Day, many moms open homemade cards penned with words of adoration, hearts swelling with pride. But for mothers experiencing marital difficulties, this special time of year can be bittersweet.
Amidst societal pressure to “stay together for the kids,” wives and mothers may experience guilt or shame during times of serious challenges. But, in certain situations, following such advice may not necessarily be in the children’s best interests. It’s possible to live in two separate households and have a happy and well-adjusted family life. As a matter of fact, working jointly as co-parents can be rewarding and is becoming more commonplace every day.
So how is a mother to prioritize her children’s needs without sacrificing her own happiness and wellbeing?
Commit to decision making without guilt.
It’s only natural for a loving mother to be concerned about her family’s future; after all, it’s a lifetime gig. Many moms realize that children exposed to unhealthy relationships can be affected long into adulthood, as those raised by parents in a loveless marriage can attest. Alternately, feelings of shame and guilt can creep in if divorce is looming which can make decision-making daunting.
Journalist and CNN columnist LZ Granderson acknowledges the guilt that arises during times of marital difficulty, something he experienced during his own divorce. “As a parent, I can empathize with how difficult raising children can be,” he says. “There are challenges, especially within the framework of divorce, when parental guilt can sometimes blur what should be the best decision.” Not only does guilt affect our self-esteem and well-being, decisions motivated by guilt may not be beneficial for a family over the long-term.
However a couple chooses to proceed remain together, separate, or divorce decisions are best made with foresight and honesty, not guilt or shame. Children, too, can suffer from guilt, and can develop unhealthy ideas that the adults’ marital problems stem from something they have done. Assurances that this is not the case may be the solution. But it’s important to stay alert to changes in your children, and reach out to a professional for help when unhealthy challenges arise within families.
Be honest, proactive, and available.
Communication between spouses may become strained during times of difficulty, but this doesn’t have to negatively affect the parent-child relationship. Even if you and your spouse aren’t talking or connecting, try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your children. Kids can often perceive subtle changes in the family dynamic, so it’s best to be honest when answering their questions, but remember to keep the details between the adults.
Being proactive about major changes taking place in a marriage will help enforce a healthy attitude for all as you approach the possibility of separating lives. Take steps to assure your children that despite mom and dad having problems, you both love them and always will. We can’t say it too much!
Try to be available when children need to express their feelings, even if your own struggles feel overwhelming. Maintaining such connectivity takes extra work when under duress, but it’s worth the effort. The bond you have with your children will remain long after a potential separation or divorce.
Let children be children.
It’s also important to recognize our children’s feelings, behaviors, and opinions. By doing so, we validate their unique perspectives. In From: The Voice of the Child, Wevorce Family Architect, Christina King stresses that these needs should be part of our conversations.
“We are not putting them in the middle by acknowledging their needs,” she says. “We put them in the middle when we confide in them for their support, when we use them as go-betweens to share and/or access information, when we pressure them to take sides or choose, when we speak poorly about the other parent, and when we project our tumultuous feelings onto them. What the children actually need is a less divisive process and to be allowed to remain children.”
Demonstrate healthy adult behaviors.
When parents choose respectful, honest communication over harsh criticism and blaming, we teach our children key lessons about relationships and conflict resolution. “Most kids are indeed resilient,” continues King. “However, much of how they cope with the change and reflect upon the experience in the future will depend on how the involved adults behave. It is up to us to model appropriate ways to deal with anger, guilt, hurt and grief.”
Despite a couple’s marital challenges, it is possible to help children adjust and live normal, fulfilled lives. Such effort takes dedication, honesty, and patience. But by forgoing guilt and blaming in favor of honest, respectful communication, we will be poised to help our children through even the most difficult transitions.
Whatever happens as you move forward, make a commitment to some simple rules as parents: never put them in the middle, keep the lines of communication open, be honest about what is happening, remember to be a good role model, love them unconditionally, and tell them you love them often.
