Mindfully separating may be not a phrase that you think is synonymous with separation these days, but in this fast-paced world, it is actually becoming more necessary than ever. It’s a fact that western countries generally have the highest separation and divorce rates.
What Is Mindfulness?
According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the famous teacher of mindfulness meditation and the founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, mindfulness is defined as:
“Paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
But how does this apply when one is separating?
In the context of separation, mindfulness allows you to catch negative thought patterns before they tip you into a downward spiral. This can be achieved by focusing on the present moment, paying attention to your breathing, and observing your thoughts while at the same time not attaching any meaning to them. Mindfulness can therefore assist with beginning the process of putting your life back on track after separation occurs, while at the same time improving the clarity of your decision-making.
In my experience, it comes down to one simple word which is often forgotten when emotions are involved: awareness. The fact is, people often don’t know the first place to start in the early stages of a separation, which can result in them feeling overwhelmed, confused and anxious. This mix of emotions can be damaging not only to themselves but their entire family.
My aim (and what I am most passionate about) is supporting and encouraging individuals and couples to apply these principles when embarking on the initial stages of separation. I provide them with the right tools, information, and support to make the transition quicker, less stressful and with minimum expense incurred. Sounds a bit like separation triage? That’s because it is!
During my 10 years of practicing as a traditional family lawyer, I noticed the need for a more balanced, holistic and informative approach, especially for those people who feel lost, dazed and confused and unsure about what initial steps to take. Instead of the focus being on just the law, I believe that each separation needs to be assessed individually and that people need to be provided with information as to all of the options available to them (both legal and non-legal), delivered from a person who has no vested interest in the outcome, other than the individual/couple/family’s well-being.
Tips For Mindfully Separating
What I have found most useful to clients is providing practical tips so they can apply the mindful separation technique in the comfort of their own home. They are as follows:
- What are your biggest fears about separation?
This question may sound relatively simple, but answering it can take time. I recommend doing this exercise after practicing some simple breathing techniques and allowing yourself a little quiet time. It is important to establish these fears (I suggest coming up with at least 5) prior to getting legal advice, because they will help guide the process and outcomes, and should also save you time and money.
Some examples of your fears may include living arrangements for you and the children (and your ex/soon to be ex-partner), financial issues, such as division of assets or ongoing monetary support; property concerns (as in who will get what).
- Consideration as to what immediate systems need to be put in place, such as living arrangements and interim financial arrangements (as in who will pay the bills/rent/mortgage/school fees while we work out the final property and children’s issues)?
- Whom can you ask to help you? A strong support network in place is an absolute must when separating. This can include family and friends, but I always recommend personal counseling for anyone going through a separation. Usually, your doctor can help you with a suggestion/referral in this area.
- Read as much as you can on the topic. This increases your knowledge (and awareness). Choosing the right book is subjective, and while I have included what I think are some helpful references on my website, my suggestion is to peruse the family/divorce/separation/self-help section in your local bookshop and go with your gut feeling on what to get.
- Finally, after you have spent some time considering all of the above, the next step forward will usually be to take action and to engage an appropriate expert. Who you see at the outset of your separation can make all the difference in the outcome of your separation.
My sincere belief is that armed with awareness, you can separate in a more mindful way. By this, I mean with a greater awareness of yourself and your family, which should also save you time, money and help reduce any negative feelings. In my experience, separation can either be used as a lesson to learn from and to grow in life or not. The choice is yours.
