Marriage and Politics
“She’s the devil.”
“He’s a narcissist and a pathological liar.”
“I don’t trust her.”
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever experienced a bitter divorce or known someone who has, you know that such comments sound a lot like the name-calling that might transpire between angry spouses. But if you’re like most people in the nation, the dialogue is also a reminder of the name-calling and hostility that has characterized our current election season.
Whatever your views on this country’s presidential candidates, there’s no denying that this particular election year has been one of the most tumultuous in U.S. history, with its share of scandals and heated debates.
But maybe it’s time we start asking ourselves how the intensity of this political season might be affecting our families — particularly our marriages. For couples bombarded by slanted media updates, paid messages, and vitriolic or political memes about this or that candidate, it can be a challenge to keep abusive and cruel language from insidiously affecting how we speak to one another. And if political views differ within a relationship, it can be especially hard to keep the peace.
When You’re Sleeping with the (Political) Enemy
It’s often been said that opposites attract, but introduce opposing political beliefs into a relationship and conflict is usually inevitable. For couples experiencing marital difficulties, differing political ideologies can add tension.
As Michelle Crosby, Founder and CEO of Wevorce, acknowledged in a recent HelloGiggles article, “These are the Questions You Should Ask Your Partner (and Yourself) Before Saying ‘I Do,'” these differences should be weighed carefully early in a relationship, preferably before deciding to marry. “Will those things you find so adorable now — differing personalities, financial philosophies, habits, likes, religion, child rearing — turn into the very thing that can cause a rift in the future?”
For many families, political disagreements can cause such a rift. Even when trying to change your spouse’s mind seems fruitless, it doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with both conviction and respect. And, it certainly doesn’t mean political conversations have to cause damage to your relationship.
So how do you keep political differences from hurting your marriage?
How to Discuss Politics — Without the Poison
For starters, it helps to remember that, in a marriage and/or during a divorce, perspectives will often differ, based on a person’s upbringing, experiences, and personal belief system. It’s the same with politics: when it comes to the red, white, and blue, nothing is ever black and white. Allowing for differences of opinion — while trying to better understand a differing perspective — can go a long way toward keeping the peace in a relationship.
It’s also good to know that political differences don’t necessarily mean incompatibility. In “Love and Politics,” an article for WebMD, Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage weighs in. “It depends on how strong the relationship is to begin with. If you put political differences into an already undernourished partnership, the strain can be big.” On the contrary, she says, discussing differences can be an enriching experience for couples with good communication skills.
Howard Markman, Ph.D., author of Fighting for Your Marriage and director of the Center of Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, agrees. “What’s important is not the actual differences between people, but how the differences are handled,” he says. “If they handle [political talk] well, it can be a great source of intimacy and connection.”
While the article mentions several red flags to watch out for when engaging in political conversation (lack of respect, antagonistic feelings, overuse of “but…” and withdrawal or tension), WebMD also recommends these seven tips for healthy political talk:
- Aim to share ideas, not to change minds.
- Learn to listen.
- Focus on common concerns.
- Avoid arguing to win.
- Keep emotions at bay.
- Take a time out.
- Put your family life — and physical affection — first.
Even if we’re ready for this election year to be over already, sometimes the hard conversations — like those about politics — are helpful for couples wanting to practice and improve communication skills and strengthen their marital bond. Take it from us: however far right or left you and your spouse may lean (even if it’s in opposite directions), it is possible to maintain a healthy level of respect for one another when talking politics.
And, if all else fails, take heart: November 8th is less than two months away.
