Divorce Court’s Judge Has Must Read Tips About Divorce
Lynn Toler didn’t let her childhood get the better of her.Instead, she used her experiences dealing with her father’s erratic behavior from bi-polar disorder to share life lessons in her book, “My Mother’s Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius.”
Toler, 49 ,is the judge of the television series “Divorce Court”, which features real people in a courtroom setting where litigants abide by Toler’s legally-binding decisions.
A former administrative judge in Cleveland Heights Municipal Court for eight years, Toler oversaw 25,000 cases a year, presiding over hundreds of small claims, domestic violence, homicides, assault and stalking cases. She also started Women Talk,” a mentor programto help at-risk high school girlswith education.
In 2001, Tolerwent to Hollywood to host the second season of Twentieth Television’s syndicated “Power of Attorney”. She eventually took over as the judge on “Divorce Court,” and also has been featured on”Decision House,” which brings couples together tohelp them tackle their financial or emotional problems and make the decision to stay together or get a divorce.
Toler currently resides in Phoenix with her husband of17 years and two children. Though she hasn’t been divorced, she talked with Wevorce.com about her experience dealing with the legal and emotional issues behind divorce.
Wevorce.com:You’ve heard a lot of stories on your TV Show “Divorce Court.” How have those stories affected you?
A: Most of the time they just make me grateful for the husband and life that I have. Our marriage isn’t perfect. Sometimes we aren’t having any fun at all! But in the end watching what happens on the show reminds me that, ups and downs notwithstanding, we have a good thing going. I also try to learn things. Clearly, the people on our show have problems that have gone to the extreme. Otherwise, they wouldn’t make good TV.But I have seen myself in some of the people that come before me. For instance, I have come to realize how all of that talking I do at home drives my husband crazy.
I wrote the book because I don’t think people are emotionally well practiced. While on the bench in Cleveland Heights I realized that when regular people made mistakes its wasn’t because they didn’t know what to do but because they didn’t feel in a way that allowed them to do it. Then I watched people around me and realized the same thing. So often, it’s not what you know but how you feel that dictates what you do. My mother had been telling me that all my life.Not only that she taught me how to manage my emotions so they were less likely to manage me.”My Mother’s Rules,” is my attempt to pass that wisdom on.
Wevorce.com: What’s the Smith and Wesson test and how does it apply to people who are divorcing?
A: This test takes issue with most people’s belief that they cannot help how they feel.It says that the phrase ‘I can’t’ is extraordinarily powerful and, more often than not, untrue.People say it all of the time when the truth is more acurrately ‘it’s hard’; ‘I don’t know how to start’ or ‘I really just don’t want to.’This is an extreme comparison but I think it makes my point: A man having a seizure cannot stop but if I put a gun to your head I bet you’d be able to put that cookie down.That means you can stop but it is a matter of motivation.Thus reframed, the problem can be addresssed in a different way.
You can decide how you will feel.But you must first believe that you are capable of it then you have to make a point to work on it. It is not easy but it can be done.You have to actually make a game plan designed with that purpose in mind and then follow it. For instance, a lot of people tell me they can’t get over their ex. I’ll ask them ‘what have you done to help you get over him/her?’And they have nothing to tell me. “It just won’t go away,” they say “I can’t stop loving them”. The first part is true; the second isn’t. Such feelings don’t just go away.But you can work at replacing or lessening them if “You Work your Emotions like a Job.”
Wevorce.com: How do you “Work your Emotions Like a Job” when it comes to marriage or divorce?
A: If you are trying to get over your ex, you have to have a game plan and work at it. No one will be able to say one thing or give you one piece of advice that is going to make you stop loving him or her.You have to actually target that feeling and work to make it go away. Some suggestions? Add a positive thing to your life that wasn’t there before. It can be as simple as taking a class or joining a bowling league. Or you can do something that is not objectively joyful but fulfilling. Help somebody. Volunteer to assist people worse off than you. Nothing like an afternoon with the homeless or a crack baby to put your problems in perspective and garner your full attention. But it should be a new. Something the ex wasn’t a part of and something you enjoy or fills you with a sense of purpose. That will teach you that s/he was not your sole source of happiness or fulfillment and it will eventually give you an hour or two a week where you didn’t even think about them. If the first thing you pick doesn’t do it for you don’t say I can’t. Try somethig else.
Next you have to make sure you don’t feed the need.Everytime you talk to you friend about it, ruminate over pictures, etc. you are feeding the pain and starving the recovery. So have a game plan for that. When you catch yourself thinking about it give voice to the fact that you’re doing it and its not helping you. Actually say it. Then have a task you are required to do everytime you catch yourself. Clean out a closet, lift weights — anything that you don’t want to do but that will have positive effects on another aspect of your life. But it has to be something you must focus on so you haveto stop the non-productive thought to do it.This is just the beginning but you get the picture right? Feeling differently requires specified effort. These are the kinds of things that work for me.You can work out something on your own that works for you.
Wevorce.com: What three tips can you give readers who want to become an “emotional genius” in their love relationship?
A: Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. Write what s/he says on the left side and what s/he does on the right. If they aren’t consistent inore what’s on the left; Write down five things you do not like about the person you are about to marry. If you can’t find that many you probably don’t know him/her well enough or you’re not paying close enough attention. Once you have them on paper ask yourself can you live with them long-term. If the answer is yes, go ahead. If it’s no, THINK. It doesn’t get any better; Don’t ever assume other people should know how you feel just because it seems obvious to you. Don’t wait until you get upset about it. Talk and when you do this follow rule: Start where people are and slowly walk them home.
Wevorce.com: How do you think your book can help people who are struggling with their love relationships or going through a divorce?
A: It is harder to be in a successful relationship if you are not aware of your own needs, desires, weaknesses and failures. This book helps you look at yourself in a different light. It also helps you look at other people in a more objective light. People usually don’t realize how much of what they see in others is tainted by their own emotions. The more you are able to successfully manage your own emotions and understand those of others the better your relationship will be.
Wevorce.com: How do you “Get your Mind Right,” when it comes to trying to save your marriage? How does the same rule apply to those going through a divorce?
A: Getting your mind right means you have to look for and take time to understand your situation and how you feel about it and on occasion do the thing that doesn’t feel right because it is the right thing to do.See below:
Wevorce.com: Explain the toughest part of your own marital history and what you’d want Divorce360 readers to learn from it.
A: I was making the same mistake for years. I call it the “False Okay”. I had an odd idea about marriage. I thought it was supposed to go smoothly. So I’d let something slide even if I don’t like it if it looked like my husband was going to get all agitated about it. Over time that taught him to simply raise his voice about the smallest of things and I’d let him have his way because it wasn’t worth the argument. In other words, I kept saying okay when I didn’t mean it.My bad.
When we were dating I was very opinionated. That’s the woman he married and that’s how he was treating me. He believed (because that’s what I showed him) that if I didn’t like something I would speak up. But once I got married I got confused and thought I had to make things pretty and smooth. “I don’t get to leave this guy” was my mind set. I have to make things okay all of the time. My mind wasn’t right. I wanted to feel calm all of the time and I was willing to pay any price for that.
It didn’t do either one of us any favors. Once I started that false okay nonsense, I got what I wanted less and less and was becoming increasingly resentful. That kind of things shows up in all different kinds of way: less affection, silent but perceptible disapproval. And he wasn’t handling it well either.People do what works so once I started taking responisbility for everything he became more demanding because that would get him his way. The weird thing was it didn’t make him any happier. It just made him more critical. All he started to see was the negative.He became a little arrogant in his approach towards me, he took my kindness as weakness. This went on for quite a while. Then one day he said something about the lawn that I didn’t agree with and all hell broke loose.
By the end of that week — in which I unloaded on him at every opportunity — he was ready to leave and I was offering to pack his bag. But once I had purged myself cooler heads prevailed and I started a conversation.On and off, it lasted a couple of months, but we got through it. Now I have my mind right. I know that I tend to gloss over things in order to make things run smoothly so I look out for that and I speak up more often, even when my first thought is to say “Okay”. I make a point of saying something even if that is not my first instinct. I don’t yell and scream but I calmly state my case. And to his credit he took the blame for his own part in that problem. He now understands that just because you wife takes criticism well there no reason to criticize her all of the time.
Wevorce.com: How do you “Draw a Clear Line” in your love relationship?
A: This requires specificity. “I will not be abused” is not a clear line. “If he hits me just once, I’m leaving” is.
Wevorce.com: What are some of the most common emotional mistakes you see in divorce court?
A: When divorcing, many people get stuck on one or two things they want or a point they are trying to make and they can’t let go. No matter what you tell them they are convinced of their opinion and they are NOT going to budge. They have become invested in it. Somehow, that one thing becomes the yardstick for victory or loss. Don’t get stuck on fairness. In many circumstances the law can’t get you there. Some things are worth fight for; others are not. Don’t keep score. Instead, keep your priorities straight. Your goals should be happiness, moving on, economic stability, and emotionally healthy children, not the big screen TV or sticking it to your ex. Chasing the former keeps you from seeing the truly important things and pursuing the latter puts someone you no longer like in charge of your life.
Wevorce.com: What’s the best advice you can give a partner who marries someone else with children and finds themselves a stepparent without having been a parent first?
A: When I married my husband he had four sons ages 9, 11, 15 and 16. I was 29 and had no children. Talking about trial by fire. I certainly don’t hold myself up as the perfect stepparent. It was tough.But here are a few things I learned along the way:
1. You and your spouse have to talk about it a lot. It won’t just work itself out.
2. Discipline usually works best from the natural parent.They have to step up and do most of it. There’s usually too much resentment when the stepparent does it right away. The stepparent has to ease their way into that over time. But the natural parent has to make sure that they don’t allow their kids to walk all over step mom or dad while that process is going on.
3. Never ever say anything negative about their other parent. Don’t even speak negatively about them to you new spouse when the kids are in the house.They hear everything.
4. Have a sit down with everybody to discuss how they feel on a regular basis in the beginning. Remember this is hugely intrusive and can feel quite random to your kids. Talk about feeling a lack of control. You can’t let them run things but you have got to let them know that you are interested in how they feel and let them be heard.
5. Establish new family traditions that include them. Do something they enjoy together as a family so they can associate the feeling of joy with all of you being together.
Wevorce.com:What three things do you want to tell them to keep them out of “Divorce Court?”
A: Avoid the “Rationale of the Right Now.” We live in a society that expects immediate gratification. That mind set makes long term complicated commitments (which marriage is) difficult.It encourages us to marry too soon — during the rush of new love — as opposed to taking the time to look at all that is involved in marrying that person. It also makes us more suseptible to the quick fix. When things aren’t going well at home these days all you need to do to feel better right away is turn on your computer. You can have a cypber relationship or go out and find somebody to connect with and makes you feel great. New relationships always feel good and are easy in the courting stage. The problem is people often mistake the ease of a new relationship for proof that they are simply with the wrong person.I see that a lot on “Divorce Court.”
Learn to start where people are and slowly walk them home. This is a rule of communication. People feel much harder and faster than they think. Address that when trying to explain your position during a disagreement. Acknowledge that you understand how the other person feels. Tell them I know you are unhappy because, not only will this make the other person feel heard but you might find out that you thought they were upset about one thing when they were really upset about something else.
You don’t have to understand how the other one feels in order to acknowledge or satisfy that emotional need. Men and women are different.That’s what that is. Deal with it.Some compromise on both sides is always necessary.
Wevorce.com:You’ve had your own tough times in life. What would you want to say to someone you loved if they were going through a divorce?
A: My mother always told me that if you spend any of your day hating or being angry with someone else they have beaten you in the most meaningful way possible. They have taken the one thing in life you can’t ever get back: TIME and the one thing you need to move forward and be happy: MY PEACE OF MIND.Don’t get me wrong. I’ll fight hard for what I want but if I lose and the fight is truly over or the psychic damage is taking too much of a toll on me, I decide my enemy is now my anger and I redefine my fight accordingly.
“Listen to the Judge” can be found at Amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
