During a rough patch like divorce or separation, it’s tempting to ease children’s pain by slacking off on tasks or abandoning normal routines. Acting like an easygoing parent may make you and your kids feel better in the moment, but it actually contributes to overall feelings of instability and uncertainty in the long run.
On the other hand, keeping up simple schedules, chores and household rules makes the transition less painful. There is comfort in routine. It can be difficult, but when a family is going through major transition, it is better to focus on normal things rather than extra treats, more TV, later bedtimes, and fewer chores. Ultimately, the best lesson we can teach our children during difficult transitions is that we are there to parent them no matter how tough things get. Any stability is helpful when adjusting to a new life.
Here are a few tips to keep things on track while your family goes through a tough time:
Maintain normal bedtime and bedtime routines
Bedtime routines are key to everyone feeling their best, but especially important for kids. Researchers at the University College of London recently published a study linking irregular bedtimes to behavioral problems in children. A regular bedtime ensures enough rest, but it’s also a great opportunity for bonding moments between parents and kids, like reading and cuddling together. It may take a few extra minutes to help kids relax during transition, but it’s a great investment.
Do chores and housework
Keeping up with household chores is annoying, but a reminder for kids that the family is still a team and that life really does go on. If your kids had chores before, keep them up. If not, or if they need a reminder, it may be a good time to implement a simple chore chart. A word of caution: This is not the time to make kids feel like they should grow up overnight or that you need them to be adults. Just keep up the normal routine.
Don’t fall into the treat/toy trap
When we know our kids are hurting, it’s natural to want to give them special treats and attention. Sometimes that takes the form of junk food, extra toys, etc. It is ok to say no to kids even when they are hurting and sad. A new toy or dessert for dinner does not help heal long-term problems. Instead, try to focus on giving extra hugs, new books at bedtime and dinner together as much as possible. Some parents try to out fun the other one (especially during divorce and separation). If your ex-spouse is trying this trick, don’t panic. You don’t need to participate in a competition. Just hold steady to the tried and true course and it will pay off.
