This December, we have dedicated much of our attention to our latest blog series: Divorce and the Holidays: A Wevorce Survival Guide. We discussed practical ways to celebrate with less this season and shared ways families can rekindle joy by creating new holiday traditions. Today we will embark on even trickier territory: navigating relationships with the ex and former in-laws.
The Holidays — Peaceful or Ho Ho Horrible?
This year, Christmas comes at an especially controversial time, both politically and culturally. For months, heated debates and contentious conversations have dominated the news, and it’s been a challenge to keep this combative spirit from undermining our own personal relationships. It can be particularly hard for a person who has recently been through a divorce or is at an impasse in his or her marriage. It’s challenging to envision “peace on earth and goodwill toward men” when our lives are far from peaceful.
Perhaps now more than ever, it’s the most wonderful time of the year to rethink how we interact with our families (or members of our former family) during the holiday season.
Co-Parenting (Peacefully) over the Holidays
If your household dynamic has recently changed, it can be difficult to stay upbeat during the holidays when it feels like your loving family is fragmented or at odds. But when children are involved, a good-natured spirit can go a long way toward keeping the peace. Here are a few ways to do just that.
Honor your agreements. If you and your ex-spouse have elected to share time with your children during the holidays, or if you’re going to be without your little ones, are you honoring your previously made agreements? If you have a parenting plan in place, remember: putting your child’s best interest first means respecting those arrangements. Try your best to step back and allow your children to enjoy the special occasion and support your co-parent as he or she plans holiday-related activities with his or her side of the family.
Be gracious. If the holiday falls on a time when your children are in your care, are you sensitive to your former spouse’s feelings about missing out on this privilege? Perhaps you can arrange for your children to FaceTime or Skype with your co-parent and their family. Many families arrange for their kids to spend a portion of the holiday with one parent, then the remaining time with the other parent.
Don’t try to buy love. Some divorced moms and dads use gifts as bargaining tools, and Christmas is a ripe opportunity for making such errors in judgment. Rather, than using presents to manipulate your children into playing favorites or choosing sides, remember you are on the same team and share the common goal of raising your children to know they are loved and cherished. If your family celebrates Christmas, have you consulted with your co-parent to determine how gifts will be handled; specifically how many gifts will be purchased and how much each parent plans to spend?
Keep lines of communication open. If possible, it is helpful to communicate beforehand about which specific necessities (versus luxuries) each co-parent will place under the tree. In cases of highly strained co-parent relationships, this type of open communication may not be realistic. But by keeping the children’s best interests in mind, it may be possible to come together peacefully to determine which gifts will be given (and by whom) that mutually address both needs and wants.
If Divorce is on the Horizon
What if your marital bond is already strained and a separation or divorce is imminent? These situations are admittedly complicated. While we don’t recommend stifling legitimate relationship issues, we also understand that it is overwhelming to think about disturbing the family unit when the holidays are in full swing. It’s for this reason many couples considering divorce choose to remain together during the holidays so as not to disrupt the status quo.
However, keeping up appearances isn’t easy, and often makes interacting with your spouse, children, in-laws, and other family members even more challenging. Arguments may ensue between you and your spouse, or perceptive family members may notice or speak up about latent hostility or resentment, which often creates further tension.
Yes, bottling up emotions is usually not the best approach when marital issues are involved.
But since your immediate family (you, your spouse, and your children) should be your priority when making important decisions about your future, try to keep such conversations from circulating through the extended family rumor mill. It’s best to determine a healthy path forward before involving others.
In the meantime, opt for healthy channels that allow you to address your thoughts and emotions. For instance, if you need to clear your head, make time to write in a journal, call a friend, or go for a walk. Creating literal space for yourself (and for your spouse) can be a helpful way to manage the complicated emotions that arise during this time.
When In-Laws Become Outlaws
During the holidays, emotions between co-parents often run high, particularly when respective in-laws weigh in on custody arrangements, gift exchanges, and other family matters — decisions that often fall solely to Mom and Dad. (Let’s be real — it’s no secret that mothers-in-law are known for having strong opinions.) So how is a newly separated family unit to keep outside influences from negatively affecting the spirit of cooperation and amicability they’ve worked so carefully to preserve?
Unfortunately, there’s often little that can be done to prevent family members — even those with good intentions — from voicing their opinions, especially when there has been a divorce in the family. If you are the Initiator of your divorce, you invariably open yourself up to commentary that can be unkind, if not downright cruel. And if you are the Reactor, you might find yourself wanting to engage in a little ex-bashing, but when you add into the mix your family members’ contributions, this can quickly dampen the potential for a holiday filled with joy and peace.
Whether you are the Initiator or Reactor, negative talk can reawaken feelings of resentment that may already be festering, and even worse, negatively impact your children. Better to address these issues in private (away from both well-meaning relatives and young ears) and with a professional. It is also helpful to establish boundaries to enable both you and your former spouse to grieve and process changes — without having to worry about your divorce becoming the hot topic at the holiday dinner party. If necessary, have one-on-one conversations with relatives before commotion ensues, laying ground rules on what topics are and are not appropriate to discuss during holiday activities.
Wevorce’s Holiday Wish for Your Family
Whether you’re a newly single parent navigating your first Christmas alone or you’re experiencing marital challenges or struggles with your in-laws, this time of year doesn’t always bring good cheer. And there’s no foolproof guide for navigating strained relationships, especially around the holidays. But what better time to strive for some semblance of peace?
In the spirit of hope and assurance that better days are ahead, we at Wevorce wish you a peaceful and happy holiday.
