When a spouse has been unfaithful, the resulting torrent of emotions can be devastating it affects not just the marital bond, but impacts children, extended family, friendships, and professional relationships. And whether we have betrayed our spouse’s trust or been betrayed ourselves, either side isn’t immune to feelings of failure, fear, and shame.
As isolating as these feelings might be, they are far from uncommon. In a 2015 report from the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 74 percent of men and 68 percent of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught. Based on these statistics, cheating is often viewed as permissible until discovered, so it shouldn’t be surprising that one or both spouses admit to physical or emotional infidelity in 41 percent of marriages.
Yet, despite these facts, the after effects of infidelity can be toxic to a relationship, but it doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of it. Any crisis has the potential to make a relationship stronger, and an affair is no exception. It’s possible to move beyond what many consider to be one of the most emotional rule-breaking acts in a marriage, but there’s no denying the road to healing after infidelity is long and fraught with grief and indecision. Can I trust my spouse? Will the pain ever go away? Should I end my marriage? Here are a few ways that may help you find empowerment after a betrayal.
Seek professional help.
The psychology of infidelity is extremely complex and a couple must be willing to dig beyond the surface to discover what underlying issues might exist to cause such behavior. But intense emotions related to what most consider a betrayal can be hard to move past, the havoc inflicted on heart and mind keeping us from thinking clearly or looking beyond the pain.
A licensed therapist can provide a supportive environment for honest communication, and help individuals address unresolved issues and express difficult emotions. Marriage counseling can also open up a relationship to potential change that most couples aren’t able to achieve on their own. Therefore, if you are determined to keep your marriage intact after infidelity, couples therapy can be helpful in achieving this not so easy, but possible task.
Some sources report that only 31 percent of marriages last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered, and if the final decision is to file for divorce, a professional can help provide personal healing and the tools to move forward.
Find a support group.
Once you’ve begun talking to a professional, social interaction in a safe, group setting may provide additional support. A therapist can likely put you in touch with a divorce support group to assist with transition and healing. While our personal friendships are often valuable sources of support, it can also be helpful to connect with those who are less likely to form judgments based on bias or a relationship’s history.
Meetups can also be great opportunities to connect with individuals in your area who share similar interests.
Get tested.
Learning about a spouse’s infidelity is not only emotionally painful but scary when compounded by stress about potential physical risks. By scheduling STD screenings for both spouses, the fear of the unknown can be alleviated. Whatever the results, you can approach the situation with positive solutions, knowing there can be healing and happiness with time, treatment, and self-care.
Don’t let emotions consume you.
While crying can provide a temporary release, the best thing you can do for your emotional health is to get up and get moving. It may be the last thing you want to do, but integrating exercise into your day will provide you with the physical and emotional strength you need to make decisions with mental clarity and focus. Whether it means going for a run, taking a dance class, or even a brisk walk around the block, physical activity provides the endorphin boost your body desperately needs during times of duress.
Find (and use) your voice.
It’s natural to feel emotionally weak and vulnerable after being hurt or deceived and discussing our grief may not come easy. Asking for help is the first step toward gaining a reliable support system for the most trying marital situations. Even the most private individuals can find solace by journaling to lessen the intensity of painful emotions. A 2013 study found that even one hour of writing a day helped people make sense of difficult events and reduce their stress.
If divorce is the answer.
Infidelity is undeniably one of the most complex and painful life experiences a person can endure. That’s why, when deciding whether or not to remain in a marriage where infidelity has occurred, it’s important not to make a decision only based on emotion. Start by obtaining as much information as you can about the divorce process. Knowledge really is power, and the more you know about what to expect, the more empowered you will be to make the best decision for you and your family.
Filing for divorce is often a necessary step when a spouse has been repeatedly betrayed but the decision is best made when the timing is right. Don’t hesitate to contact us to learn more about the process. Our mediation experts can answer your most perplexing divorce-related questions.
