Six Tips to Consider When Deciding to Stay or Go
Elizabeth Edwards spoke with Oprah Winfrey about her husband’s infidelity. Oprah asked, “Is it a day by day thing?” and Edwards responded with, “Neither one of us is out the door so I guess it’s day by day, but maybe it’s month by month.”
On August 28, 2007, the public watched a shell-shocked Suzanne Craig stand by her husband, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, as he vigorously denied soliciting gay sex in a public bathroom at the Minneapolis airport. According to Fox News Reports, Suzanne Craig said that when her husband told her the story was about to break, “I felt like the floor was falling out from under me. And I felt almost like I was going down a drain for a few moments.”
Discovering a spouse has been unfaithful can be traumatic. Not only is an affair a betrayal of past promises, it’s a threat against the future of a marriage. If the affair is made public, responding is even more difficult.The humiliation increases if you criticize someone else’s decision about sticking with an unfaithful spouse and then find yourself dealing with your own.
In 2000, Wendy Vitter suggested Hillary Clinton should have divorced former President Bill Clinton over his escapades with intern Monica Lewinsky.Then her husband, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter admitted he’d used an escort service. According to Fox News, she chose to forgive him: “I made the decision to love him and to recommit to our marriage. To forgive is not always the easy choice, but it was and is the right choice for me,” she said.
Most betrayed spouses don’t have to play out their agony in the press. But sometimes when family or friends find out a loved one has been cheated on, they press the betrayed spouse to immediately make the decision about whether they’re going to stay in the marriage. However, therapists caution wounded parties against making life changing decisions at a time when they’re in emotional shock.
“The discovery of infidelity is devastating because it shatters basic assumptions about the security we expect in committed relationships,” wrote the late Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.” Dr. Glass, who was known as “the godmother of infidelity research,” compared the emotional shock of discovery of an affair to the trauma experienced by those who have gone through horrific events.
She made an impact among marriage therapists by saying that betrayed partners in adulterous affairs often suffered from post-traumatic stress similar to that experienced by combat veterans. So, give yourself time to regain your equilibrium and then sort through your options because this is a decision with many ramifications.
A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR?
“Part of sorting through is finding out about the incident — and whether it was a one-time incident or a pattern. When I hear of multiple affairs, I know I’m dealing with a Don Juan who hasn’t quite come out,” said Dr. Don-David Lusterman, author of
“Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide.” “He may be a married man who loves the wife, the kids, and the dog. But, while he’s filling up his inner emptiness with what he calls a victimless crime, he may also be exposing his wife to sexually transmitted diseases.”
“When the wife finds out what’s going on, she’s enraged, hurt and angry. She needs to tell him, ‘I don’t want to have any dealings with you until you figure out whether you can whip this.’ If thehusband is sure he doesn’t want a divorce, he can begin to change. Otherwise, he’ll continue having affairs. It’s a very sad thing to work with people who are so empty and don’t even know it.”
Whatever the reason for the affair(s), there are many things to consider when making a decision about staying in a marriage or getting divorced. How will the decision affect the children? How will it affect a business owned by the couple? How will it affect economic stability? This is an especially important consideration for wives who’ve followed a more traditional stay-at-home role. Moreover, for many betrayed spouses, the possibility of contracting an STD, especially HIV/AIDS, from an unfaithful partner is an important consideration in their decision of whether to throw in the towel or pick up the pieces.
TIPS FOR DECIDING WHETHER TO STAY OR GO
1. Get the Facts First.
“You can’t make an intelligent decision until get you get all the facts,” says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You – 829 Telltale Signs.”
Was the cheater under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Did he find himself in a compromising situation? Was this a one-night stand or a long-term affair? Are there children from this affair? While there is no excuse for cheating, finding out what circumstances surround the cheating can help you assess whether this is a situation you’re up for working through. So, difficult though it may be, sit down with the errant spouse and find out everything you can about what’s occurred. If necessary, have a third party such as a therapist or marriage counselor help you through this tough conversation.
“If they don’t come clean about the affair, or if they lie and say it didn’t happen or brush it off, that doesn’t bode well,” said Houston. They must come clean and answer whatever questions the victim has, otherwise there’s a problem.”
2. Find out What the Root Cause Is.
“Leaving or putting the cheater out without finding out the root cause for the affair is a mistake,” said Houston. “While no one is responsible for another person cheating on him or her, sometimes a person can inadvertently foster instability in the relationship by the environment they create. If they’ve been ignoring their spouse, or seeing problems and looking the other way, or haven’t been keeping their finger on the pulse of the marriage, they may have created an environment of vulnerability,” said Houston.
Whether you decide to stay or not, being aware of how you might have contributed to the problem can help you avoid similar problems in the future. On the other hand, if your spouse cheated because they have a sense of entitlement to cheat or because they feel the rules don’t apply to them, that’s a mindset that’s very difficult to change.
3. Throw in the Towel if the Cheater Shows No Remorse.
According to the late Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal”, you should end the relationship if your partner has no compassion for your pain, justifies the betrayal, minimizes the significance of the infidelity or if he or she continues to lie or deceive you.
4. Throw in the Towel if This Isn’t the First Time.
“Cheaters are repeaters. If someone is an habitual cheater, it’s not a good sign. If you take them back, you’re telling them, ‘I’ll take you back no matter how many times you cheat,'” said Houston.
If there is a history of cheating, the cheater may be a sex addict. Sexual addiction is more difficult to break than cocaine addiction and more likely to recidivate than any other addiction. Sexual addiction is fueled by pornography. Testifying before the U. S. Senate Commerce Committee’s Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee, Dr. Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Cognitive Therapy, called porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.”
5. Pick up the Pieces if the Cheater Takes Responsibility.
Glass suggests sticking with your marriage if your partner shows remorse and empathy for your devastation, takes responsibility for understanding their vulnerabilities, is willing to discuss the betrayals openly and honestly and if thebehavior has stopped.
6. Pick up the Pieces if the Cheater is Willing to Work to Rebuild Trust.
“The destruction of trust is the one of the most serious consequences of infidelity. Trust is the basis for intimacy. Without it, relationships are empty and often wounding. Rebuilding trust starts with laying down ground rules. You have to set some boundaries before you take the person back,” said Houston. “The first rule is they have to make a clean break with the other person, otherwise you can’t rebuild trust.”
“Determine what you need in order to feel confident that your spouse has not only ended the illicit relationship but is actively working to rebuild the relationship with you. Then, ask for it. If the cheater is not willing to give that to you, they don’t value the marriage enough to repair the damage. You can’t put rebuilding of trust into a timeframe. It takes as long as it takes,” said Houston. “Some people need longer to feel they’re able to trust a cheater than others. So, the cheater can’t say, it’s been six months already, give it a break.”
Most counselors say a two-year time frame is the minimum to fully recover and rebuild trust. The longer the couple has been together, the longer it will take. So, if you were married 20 years before you found out about the infidelity, expect it to take considerably longer than two years
7. Be Patient.
Most victims of infidelity experience post-traumatic stress where they feel incredible anxiety and are hyper-vigilant to any signs of infidelity. So, both spouses have to realize the victim will have flashbacks, which means if he comes home 10 minutes late she may have a tendency to blow that out of proportion, because that’s what he did when he was with her.
Knowing how to say, I’m having a tough time here, please help me, is a crucial part of moving beyond the ongoing fallout of broken trust.Likewise, the cheater has to be aware that he will go through a grieving process. “If he doesn’t know that, he can misinterpret and mistake those feelings to mean I should have stayed with the other woman, maybe we were meant to be together,” said Houston. “The reality is that person filled a certain need and there will be a gap when they stop seeing them. You have to be prepared for that to happen, otherwise it can be a setback to whole process of trying to reconcile.”
Whether you decide to stay or leave, having your marriage affected by adultery changes you irrevocably. It tests your basic assumptions about the world, shakes your social support network, and forces you to get very clear about exactly what kind of life you want to create. Which means, surviving adultery is a very stressful experience. So, take very good care of yourself by developing simple daily rituals that make life delicious. Whether it’s brewing a pot of favorite tea or taking a leisurely walk or soaking in a candle-lit bath or blowing bubbles or any other small act that gives you pleasure, building moments of joy into your life will help bring peace to your heart and put this experience in context. After all, adultery is something that has happened to you. It does not define you.
HOW TO MAKE A DECISION
Vaughan, who stayed and worked through her husband James’ infidelity, offers the following guidelines for deciding whether you should stay or go:
1. Make your own decision (regardless of what others think).
2. Do not rush the decision. Get as much information as possible about your own situation and about affairs in general.
3. Consider the emotional piece of this, but realize it’s only one part, not the sole basis for a good decision.
4. Consider the practical factors involved (including money, kids, and other relevant issues), but realize the importance of balancing these concerns with the more personal, emotional needs.
5. Base the decision not just on the past, but also on the future.
In her book, Vaughan writes: “No one has a crystal ball to see just what the future holds, but there are indications that can serve as a guide. Is there a willingness to talk about what happened and to try to learn from it? Is there a willingness to use the information in a constructive way instead of using it as a way to punish past behavior? Is there a willingness to acknowledge attractions as normal and likely in the future, and a plan for ongoing discussions of these temptations? Is there a commitment to honesty as the basis of the relationship (rather than just a promise of monogamy)? Is there evidence of a willingness to be honest by ongoing sharing of thoughts and feelings about subjects other than affairs? (If there is not honest communication about other issues, there’s little likelihood there will be honesty in talking about affairs.) Even if there’s no evidence of the things listed above at this time, does it seem reasonable to think of moving toward this way of relating? Changes of this kind don’t happen overnight, but unless there’s an indication of movement in this direction, there’s little hope for developing a good marriage.”
“Deciding whether to stay married or get a divorce is a complicated decision, but carefully considering all these factors can help a person sort through their personal values and priorities to make the decision that best fits their individual situation. And by making a carefully considered decision in a rational way (instead of reacting to the panic of the initial shock of the affair or to the pressure from others to decide more quickly), they should reap the benefits of being more confident and at peace with whatever decision they make,” according to Vaughan.
No matter what you may have thought or said about what you’d do if your spouse cheated just like Wendy Vitter, no one really knows what they’ll really do until it happens to them.
