I generally recommend moving slowly until you can see more clearly and understand the source of the fear. Sometimes it helps to try and separate your feelings into three buckets by identifying how much of the decision to get married or not is based on:
What you think you should do versus what you really want to do.
Cultural and family values drive a lot of our confusion when it comes to making life decisions. There is a script when we get married ring, white dress, big wedding we generally don’t think much about it, but for some of us, the script doesn’t feel right. Give yourself the freedom to write your own script, make up your own rituals, or create your own ceremony. If you want to wear purple, wear purple. If you prefer a commitment ceremony over a legal marriage, do so. This is your life and your partnership!
Old emotional patterns versus creating new emotional patterns.
A lifetime of emotional wounding and trauma leaves most of us full of triggers. Until these emotional triggers are recognized and dealt with, we project or provoke behaviors to recreate opportunities to revisit the initial trauma, over and over. These emotional triggers can also keep us from living in the present and seeing what is really happening around us. Counselors are trained to help identify old emotional patterns and provide strategies to help you become aware of them, to start a healing process and ultimately create new ones. Remember, all of us come with baggage; the key is to find someone who will help you unpack it.
Who you really are underneath it all.
Underneath all of these cultural shoulds and emotional triggers is the real you. You only get so many days to find and celebrate your true self and live a life that is honest and genuine. Your main job in life is to find and live true to who you really are. There are no absolutes or right and wrong answers in life including marriage there are just choices to be made. Relax into you embrace your fear and daring, doubt and hope, confusion and clarity this is who you are right now. Enjoy, don’t judge and absolutely be gentle with yourself. Listen to all parts of you, embrace them and allow yourself to be vulnerable. For inspiration, watch Dr. Brené Brown on TED talks: The power of vulnerability.
Once you’ve navigated the three buckets exercise, talk about your findings with your partner. You will feel better when you can voice your fears in an honest and open way. Your partner deserves to know who you are before you begin a marriage together, but understanding yourself and being true to who you are will give you a firm foundation for moving your relationship forward.
