It is difficult to discuss topics that create labels without building a platform of understanding first. Labels do so much damage when people toss them at each other and use them for blame and shame. On the other hand, developing some understanding and tools for dealing with various personalities is always helpful. Narcissism is one of those labels that, if not carefully understood, can lead to breakdowns in communication, even worse than the breakdowns that may have already led a couple to consider divorce.
Wikipedia’s definition of narcissism:
“Narcissism is a term that originated with Narcissus in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Currently it is used to describe a person characterized by egotism, vanity, pride, or selfishness Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person or group’s relationships with self and others.”
Wikipedia goes on to describe a narcissistic parent as:
“ exclusively and possessively close to their children and may be especially envious of their child’s growing independence. In the face of this independence, the narcissistic parent ‘may experience a sense of loss, the child having served as an important source of self-esteem.’ The result may be what has been termed ‘narcissistic attachment’ the child always exists for the parent’s benefit.”
Based upon the negative description of narcissism, it is important to think hard and long before labeling anyone a narcissist. Many times during divorce mediation, one parent calls the other selfish and complains that the other parent does not seem to be able to see the effect of their behavior on the children. This may be true but it may be perception based upon conflict. Before labeling others, it is important to look at ourselves too and remember what drew us to this person in the first place. We also need to examine our own characteristics that may need work.
True narcissism is a condition that overshadows deep self-esteem issues, and most often is a result of some deep wound that the person has experienced in their life, one which they have not been able to come to terms with. Thus, there is a need to hide the truth of their deep fear of inadequacy by covering it with a projection of a partially true, self-created self image of extra importance and value. Being out of touch with their own pain and fear often makes them unable to get in touch with feelings of empathy for others. Often the partner of a narcissist has some deep self-esteem issues as well, and may be either an overextended caregiver or trying to find self esteem by initially buying into their partner’s projected over-developed self image. This is why it is not fair or helpful to accuse someone of having a difficult personality without also being open to our own self discovery and reflection.
One line from the opening statement heard at Alcoholic Anonymous meetings goes like this: “Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” This line helps us to think deeply about the wounds that others have and the fact that we are not all graced equally with what appear to be easy lives. This is the beginning of learning to deal with all difficult personalities, including those who seem exceptionally selfish and possibly narcissistic.
Once understanding develops, there are ways to work with difficult people that can reduce conflict. Here are some tips:
- First, get professional help to develop your own self esteem and value so that you can role model it for your children.
- Take care to listen to the other person, and learn to listen without reacting.
- Learn what is deeply true for you and focus on gentle ways to maintain that focus.
- Maintain your autonomy as simply and directly as possible without returning criticism for criticism.
- Avoid fighting back and practice firmness without force.
- Insert a truly positive compliment instead of replying with negativity.
- Don’t allow yourself to show that hurtful comments worked their way into your heart.
- Remember that the other person has to be in a great deal of pain to be so difficult.
- Provide friendly, factual information and then be quiet.
- Let the other person be with their own thoughts and imagine their words and criticism like darts that go through your body without sticking or causing harm.
- Do not dwell on painful exchanges, let them go and refocus on the positive.
As long as you have children with a difficult person, you will need to keep learning and developing your interpersonal communication skills. Whether or not you remain married, this person will still be the other parent. The children, having watched you both and felt your struggles, will need your help to heal their own issues. The key is to become a role model who keeps looking for better solutions, and structure a life that is genuinely positive.
