It’s not if we will get stuck in divorce. It’s when will we get stuck in divorce? An excerpt from a healthy divorce workbook, “You Were In Love, Once Upon A Time,” by Cindy Battino, ACSM, CCS with Lauren R. Giannini.
Chapter 6: Help! I’m Stuck & I Can’t Get Out!
There will be times where your anger, rage, disappointment, etc. will get the best of you. You are normal and human. You will make mistakes. We all make mistakes, we’re human. We’re going to look at the most likely places where people get stuck when they are in the process of divorce, because you need to know about the tricky spots so that you are prepared for them. These tricky spots include anger, rage, blame, roles and sacrifice. I will show you how to use support, humor, boundaries and the attitude of gratitude to help you to move forward in a positive way.
First, you have to notice that you are stuck. Sometimes this is the most difficult part. Several signs that you are stuck are: 1) when you feel consistently angry and are quick to lose your temper; 2) if you tend to wake up in the middle of the night feeling anger and anxiety and 3) whenever you feel validated and justified in taking your anger out on others. If any of these resonate with you, it is time to get unstuck!
Stuck Place #1 – Anger & Rage
Anger and rage are difficult emotions. They are not bad they are just energy. However, when you find yourself screaming at the top of your lungs, veins and arteries bulging, eyes bugging and tears about to boil over STOP. It’s time for a time-out. Excuse yourself. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest restroom. Sit on the toilet and breathe. Give yourself a minute or 5 or 10 to come back to center and gain some perspective.
When you use anger and rage to mask your feelings of vulnerability, weakness or victimization, you are stuck. Anger and rage make you feel powerful temporarily, but in the long run those unchecked emotions will make you suffer many consequences. Financially, it will cost you more money in attorney’s fees. Even more damaging in terms of your future, it will cost you emotionally with your spouse and your children. It is much healthier and more empowering for you to gather information and knowledge. Go to divorce support groups. Consult with financial advisors, attorneys, therapists and tax accountants. Get the support you need to work through the emotions of rage, anger, disappointment, rejection, abandonment, weakness, vulnerability and victimization. Anger is merely an illusion of power. Knowledge is real power.
Stuck Place #2 – The Blame Game
Here is how you can tell you are in the Blame Game:
- You spend most of your time talking about all the mistakes that “they” made or pointing out “their” faults.
- You feel you have prove to your family and friends that you were the better person in your marriage.
- You are consumed with the “bad” in him/her, in you, in your marriage.
- You cannot emotionally and mentally own 50% responsibility for the destruction of your marriage.
No worries, these are natural responses to what you are experiencing. It is totally human and normal to look for a scapegoat when you find yourself in difficult and painful places. It is easier to see what the other person did wrong therefore justifying whatever you did in reaction to their actions. It is also accepted by society. To stay in this place, however, will prove extremely harmful to you and your children. Also, it is not the whole truth! It is essential for your future relationships and for your children’s future relationships for you to take responsibility for the issues you brought to your marriage. By understanding your bad habits, “stuff” and fears, you can begin the process of shifting them so that you can stand in a healthier place now and in the future. Staying in the Blame Game does you no good in the long term. It will just bring you to the same place with a different person in the next go-round (if there is a next go-round).
You cannot control or change your soon-to-be-ex. You can only change yourself. This is your opportunity to become your best detective. To learn about how your limiting beliefs and bad habits can sabotage your happiness. You can’t focus on you if your focus is on your STBE. Repeat over and over that you can’t change “them” keep the focus on you. You deserve love. You deserve to be happy. You are not perfect (neither is anyone else). The more clearly you can see you in all of your talents, brilliance and beauty as well as your limiting patterns, ways of thinking, poor behavior and self-sabotaging relationship skills the better your chances of being happy. So, I ask: “What is yours to change?” By becoming your best detective and figuring out what you need to work on, you can find happiness now and in a new relationship in the future.
One way to reverse the Blame Game is to try using the Attitude of Gratitude. Why are you happy you married your soon to be ex? Why are you happy you are leaving your soon to be ex? It’s about the good times as well as the bad. It’s about the good things you learned about you as well as about marriage and relationship. It’s about shifting the myths you fell for, hook, line and sinker, that are truly myths such as Cinderella or Prince Charming. No one is happily ever after. Creating new truths that understand that relationship is hard work and that no one is going to save you except you. By finding any gratitude for where you are and what you have experienced, you are not allowing a one-sided negative story in your brain. You can see the beauty and the hurt, the positive and the negative. You can come to center and tell yourself that you are not a fool for choosing them and they were not a fool to choose you.
Again, I ask: “What do you have to be grateful for today?”
Sample Workbook Exercises
Getting Unstuck from Anger & Rage
If you find that anger and rage are always stewing underneath the surface of your daily life, it’s time to go deeper into yourself.
In your journal, answer these questions:
- When do I find myself losing my cool?
- How can I prevent these situations?
- Why am I angry?
- Since I can’t change them, what can I change in me?
Ways to work through and express my emotions that are healthy and safe:
- Friends and family
- Therapist
- Life Coach
- Divorce Coach
- Brennan Healing Science Practitioner
- Go for a run/workout
- Beat up a pillow or punch and kick a punching bag
- Journal
- Write a letter and burn it
Getting Unstuck From The Blame Game
Gratitude Journal
Attitude of Gratitude is always great to bring you back to center. Buy a journal just for gratefulness. I have kept one for years. Each time you find yourself blaming your STBE for all the pain that is happening, answer one of these questions:
- What about your marriage are you grateful for?
- What lessons did your spouse teach you that you are grateful for?
- What did you enjoy about your marriage?
- What were some of the best times?
- What did you do well during this marriage?
- In what specific ways did you grow up during your marriage?
- What positive changes did you make in your life during your marriage?
- How did you become a better parent during your marriage?
- What are you most proud of?
- List all of the positive attributes, talents, and characteristics about your STBE.
- List all the ways in which your spouse is a good parent.
