Have you ever wondered if old emotional hurts are driving how you interact with your ex? Your emotional reactivity with your former spouse or partner may carry over to the way you respond to your children. Upon reflection, you probably know this to be true. You may be horrified by your negative reactions, yet don’t know what to do or how to stop yourself.
We all want our children to be able to be honest and truthful with us, yet when we are reactive to our children and don’t listen to what they say (especially when what they have to say is painful to hear), it sends a strong message to them that it is not ok to speak the truth.
Stopping in your tracks so you can respond thoughtfully is a skill that requires your heartfelt commitment, as well as practice and time. But if you can do so, you expand your choices by expanding your awareness. To change your responses, you need to be able to recognize when you’re reacting.
First, be aware of what is happening in your body. Humans simply react, and do not tend to think about what they are feeling or what is truly upsetting them. Most of the time, they do not allow themselves to be fully aware of what they are actually experiencing in their bodies.
Our bodies react first, not our minds. For example, when someone touches a burning stove, their body immediately reacts by pulling away. Likewise, when someone is upset, adrenal glands flood their brain, making it hard to respond in a productive way. The body’s reaction is a natural warning sign stop, danger ahead.
Before you can begin to reflect upon your behavior or respond in a healthy way, you need to calm your overactive adrenal system. You can do this by slowing down and practicing deep breathing. When you learn to control your body’s reactions, you can begin to control the ability to interrupt automatic responses.
Now, when you find yourself reacting in a conversation, you can interrupt this reaction and instead carefully choose the words to say next and the energy with which you say them. This is not easy. But when you fail to pause and focus, it is highly likely you will be reactive, rather than responsive or thoughtful.
Getting to know how your body reacts to your feelings and learning to control this internal process allows you to explore your feelings and needs more deeply. I call this a sacred pause. Take a few minutes of self-reflection to gain greater insight and understanding of yourself and others before responding it may save you a lot of heartache in the future.
