Deciding to get divorced, even thinking about divorce, brings up all sorts of emotions ranging from sheer terror to relief. Yet, even if you are certain you want a divorce, it is a scary time. What will happen to the kids? What about the finances? Where will I live? What will my family think? Minds run amok and feelings spin out of control. You probably feel heartbroken, angry, terrified and shocked, and have no idea where to turn to help as you navigate these murky and emotionally charged waters.

Ultimately, divorce is a legal process and so it makes sense to seek the support of a lawyer. Perhaps you assume that to get divorced each person needs to have his or her own lawyer and that you have to go to court — even if you know you don’t want to end up in court. While it is important to understand your legal options and to have good legal information, it may not be necessary to use traditional methods to get divorced.

Lawyers are trained to gather factual information to support their clients’ arguments. Most lawyers, however, are not trained in collaborative divorce, mediation, or other alternative dispute resolution processes. Thus, when clients come to them, they do what they are trained to do — gather and then present the facts in a way that most strongly supports the positions and views of their own clients.

Lawyers are skilled at presenting facts to make their clients seem the better or best parent, and to make the other parent look less appealing and sometimes downright awful. They focus their critiques on the other parent’s parenting and financial situation. The lawyer representing the other parent will then often respond in kind by defending his/her client and making the other parent appear less competent.

When a case goes to trial, the judge attempts to decipher the conflicting information they hear and make decisions about parenting schedules and finances. These decisions impact all the family members for the rest of their lives.

In the above scenario, both parents often leave the courtroom angry and upset with the final outcome. and have no idea how they could have done it differently. This can lead to greater tension between the parents because they blame each other. This tension makes co-parenting extremely challenging.

Divorce is more than a legal process — it is also an emotional (and financial) process. Lawyers are trained to help people create legal agreements and outcomes, they are not trained in helping clients handle and manage their emotional turmoil and angst.

Since divorce is also emotional, it’s critical that parents separate their emotions from the legal aspects. If they fail to do so, emotional distress can end up driving the boat rather than reasoned decision-making.

To help ensure that your emotions are not driving you when making critical decisions during the divorce process, it is important to get emotional support and to understand the emotional trauma of divorce and the stages of grieving. If you want to avoid unnecessary damage, it is important to actively seek appropriate support for your pain, grief, anger and fear as soon as possible (ideally before you file any court papers, unless of course there is an emergency).

When you seek and receive support for the emotional aspect of your divorce, you can be assured that your legal proposals are grounded in your highest goals and intentions for all concerned, and that they are coming from a place of genuine care, rather than from anger or fear.

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You can register for a free teleclass, “Parenting WITH Your Ex Instead of Against Your Ex” at Parenting With Your Ex.