Tips To Make your Spouse Feel Safe Enough To Talk To You
Some men live expecting trouble. In fact, they not only expect it, but do their share to make it happen. These men replace open communication — and the intimacy it provides — with withdrawal or anger. For these men, communication is for the purpose of establishing rank. It is domination, masking itself as friendship or love.
Real communication is never about establishing who’s on top and who’s below. It’s not about winning or losing. The essence of real communication is always about love. The price a man pays for withholding and sparring is the constant strain of not ever really hearing another or being heard. The good news, however, is that this state of affairs can be remedied rather simply. Here are some tips to help:
1. Give him permission.
A man must have permission to speak out honestly about who he is. In order to bring out the best in a man, and hear all of what he has to say, there are easy steps, which when followed, will help this happen easily. He’s got to feel he’s not going to be rejected.
2. Don’t use threats to get him to talk.
The other way he talks is when he’s frightened. He gets scared that if he doesn’t open up and confess. He’s going to lose everything. But communication that is based on fear is short-lived, at best, and creates more defensiveness. It certainly is not the kind of communication that builds a healthy relationship.
3. Don’t judge him.
They’re afraid if they do open up, someone’s going to laugh at them and they’ll be humiliated. Men are much more afraid of rejection than women. Feeling judged, for many, is another form of rejection. It’s not so hard to help a man feel safe so he can communicate easily. Listen to what he is saying, and beyond listening, offer something positive in return.
After he tells you some things you could then say, ‘Well, that’s not so bad. I’ve done worse.’ or, ‘That’s happened. It’s done, it’s over. Where do we go from here?’ Let him know you’re on his team and not sitting there judging him. The sense that a man is being judged is the single greatest block to his communication. Many men are already be judging themselves, so if they feel a critical attitude from the other person, nothing can develop. They’ll watch every word, censor themselves and see this communication as a potential form of attack, rather than friendship.
