Recently, on the Wevorce blog, we opened up a conversation about Divorce Archetype profiles and offered a preview of groundbreaking research we’ve compiled over recent years. This post continues our series: Divorce Archetype™â Profiles Uncovered. Today, we explore the Dependents profile in greater detail.
Profile: Dependents.
The Dependent profile is rather self-explanatory; if you had children, or adopted children during your marriage and they are still legally in your care, you fall under this profile. For any couple considering divorce, the decision is a difficult one. But for couples with minor children or other dependents, this stress is often compounded by potential custody disputes and concerns related to co-parenting. That’s why it is crucial couples with dependents recognize how this archetypal layer affects their readiness and willingness to begin and move through the divorce process.
Many parents struggle during the early stages of divorce. Societal stigmas often influence how we perceive healthy, happy, or even perfect families (for the record, the latter doesn’t exist). And for many, the idea of separation and/or divorce is a disruption of the notion of the ideal family. Worried about how to tell the children, where their children will be sleeping, or afraid of losing their families, many couples indeed do stay together for the kids. Each family is different, and each couple reserves the right to make whatever decision they feel is best whether it means remaining together or continuing apart.
For the couples who have reached point break, however, a path forward must be made that makes the children’s welfare a priority. Kids are invariably affected by changes to the household and the family dynamic. As parents, you will want to minimize the impact of your divorce on your children. You also likely recognize that, although you may choose to let go of your role as husband or wife, you and your spouse will always share the role of parent and grandparent. By acknowledging these and other long-term responsibilities in your child’s life, this can help keep you focused on their best interests as you make tough decisions throughout the process.
Steps you can take.
So just how can a couple minimize the impact of divorce upon children? In short, this means acknowledging how your words and actions affect your children and keeping their tender hearts from the conflict that often accompanies divorce. For starters, it may help to write down your hopes and dreams for their future. Articulating your thoughts in this way can help guide your parenting decisions, and will keep priorities on track even when discussing tense issues or topics.
In addition to writing down these things down, keep recent photos at hand whenever you and your spouse must negotiate terms for a settlement. Their bright, cheerful faces will help you stay focused on what is best for them and not get lost in your own personal trauma. Here are five specific ways parents can keep their children’s interests and needs in mind during a divorce.
1) Provide reassurance. During a divorce, children need to feel safe, loved, and that things will work out. Parents should also provide continual reassurance that changes, while sometimes scary, are a normal part of life. Even during the most difficult transitions, reassure them that life will go on, and through it all, Mom and Dad will always love them.
2) Take ownership. In 6 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare Kids for Your Divorce, parents are encouraged to help children understand that they are not at fault for Mom and Dad’s disagreements. And even those disagreements shouldn’t become a battle about right and wrong. Instead, focus on having positive discussions to address and resolve issues that will shape your family’s future for the good. By removing blame from the equation, both for your spouse or for your children, you take accountability for your behavior and, in turn, have the opportunity to teach kids a powerful lesson about taking responsibility and dealing with conflict and within a family dynamic in a constructive and peaceful way.
3) Don’t put them in the middle. Couples argue, it’s a part of marriage. But, fighting is a different story all together. And, fighting in front of the kids is, to put it simply, wrong. Never fight in front of the kids, if you must fight, keep it private. Better yet, make a commitment to yourself and your children that you won’t fight or put them in the middle ever. This means speaking negatively about the other parent, asking kids to choose sides, or using your child as a go-between is off limits. This is a form of manipulation that only hurts a child in the long run. As the frank-talking Dr. Phil says, “Kids don’t care who’s right.”
4) Maintain a routine. Whenever possible, give kids the consistency and routine they need by keeping their schedules as close to normal as possible. Change is scary for all of us, adults and children alike. By maintaining a sense of normalcy during a life change, it can help kids adjust to the separation of the family unit. Of course, each parent’s interpretation of normal is going to be different, but start with children’s basic needs routine meals and sleep schedules, health care, help with homework, rides to and from school and activities, hugs and assurance and go from there.
5) Avoid preferential treatment. It may be tempting to allow children to skip out on chores or to provide them with gifts during a difficult time. But while these rewards may seem like a quick fix for a child who is sad or hurting, this approach does little to heal pain over the long term. Instead, try to provide your child with more love, time, and attention these gifts are intangible but their value will remain with your child longer than any new toy or the latest video game.
6) Consider counseling. If working through some of these issues becomes too difficult, professional therapy can be helpful. Discussions during these sessions can help both parents and children to learn constructive communication and how to accept and appreciate one another, despite your differences.
Moving forward.
Even when days seem dark, it is important to remember that the future will be bright again. You, your spouse, and your children can and will survive your divorce. You can transition into two households consisting of two loving families, and you can be great co-parents. Many brave and resilient couples have proven it possible to raise children in a healthy and amicable manner even when divorced or separated. Today’s co-parents are great examples of how to keep your children’s best interests at the forefront even when dealing with the messiness of divorce. Take heart knowing it can be done in a positive new way, the Wevorce way.
Wevorce’s Divorce Archetype assessment was developed to provide a framework for understanding the human mind, and within that, understanding the patterns of relationships, namely, how we attract partners and how we uncouple. By discovering your Divorce Archetype profiles, you will be arming yourself with a road map to help make life-changing decisions.
