So you’ve decided to get a divorce. It was likely an agonizing process that may have taken months, even years to come to this heartbreaking decision. Yet, you see no other alternative and you’re going to move forward and start the legal proceedings. But wait what about the kids? What can you do to make sure they get through the experience unscathed?
You’ve probably heard the horror stories, maybe even read about the debilitating aftereffects divorce can cause, and those scars can last their entire lives. (Learn more about adversarial divorce here.) When in this situation, your mind might create a slow motion scenario: your child drops out school, then the drug use starts, followed by a life of crime and violence, finally ending with your precious, sweet six year old behind bars and dressed in an ugly orange jumpsuit, and a dark, shady character in the background eyeing him like a Creamsicle on a hot, sticky day.
If you’ve ever experienced a divorce, you’ve known the numbness, as your own pain has likely made it difficult to feel anything. All these wild scenarios tend to run through your mind like Godzilla, stomping and tramping until little is left of your sanity. Shock waves finally jolt you back to life as if you’d just stuck your finger into the plug-in in your desperation.
Okay, take a breath. It needn’t be that way.
Your Child’s Best Interests
Divorce can be achieved without damaging your children. The first, and perhaps hardest step, is to decide at the very beginning of the process that you will put your children’s best interest ahead of your own. What does that mean? Simply put, it means this: as the parents you must be the adults.
We’re not trying to be unkind, but it boils down to accountability. To being accountable for the marriage breaking up (it takes two), and for how you will move through the difficult and trying process in a manner that benefits you, your spouse, and your family. It is about divorcing in a child-centered way and putting your kids’ needs and emotions before your own, no matter how tough it may prove to be. They are the children; you are the adult.
So, when your emotions (and there will be a virtual cornucopia of them) are running wild and you want more than anything to release all your frustration and anger in a fit that makes your kids’ tantrums look calm and peaceful take another deep breath. Remember, for the children’s sake, you must present yourselves as positive role models, adults they will look back on and reflect upon the honor and respect you afforded one another in a difficult time. You will want to ensure them that even though Mom and Dad aren’t able to remain together as husband and wife, you will always love them and will always be their parents parents who, together, will get them through tough times, now and always.
That is a promise you must not break. If you have trouble maintaining control, or depression has you stuck and unable to move forward, or you find yourself unable to deal with caring for yourself or your family, please seek professional help. Sometimes, we all find ourselves in need of a helping hand.
What Not to Do
Let’s start with some basic guidelines to guide you through this terrible time with the ever-present goal of keeping your kids healthy and happy. First, never fight in front of the kids. Hopefully, this has been a life-long rule of the house, but when emotions become frayed and strained to the point of breaking, it’s even more important than ever to remember this. We’re not saying it will be easy; we’re saying it’s necessary for achieving your goal.
In an article for WebMD, Lauren Paige Kennedy talks about “The Top 5 Mistakes Divorced Parents Make,” which are good additions after the first rule about fighting. “Many children carry the battle scars of divorce well into adulthood. But broken-up spouses can help stop the damage by managing their own behavior before the ink dries on the divorce papers.” Kennedy goes on to list the top five mistakes with pointers given by family and divorce expert M. Gary Neuman, LMHC. They are:
- Don’t make your child the messenger.
- Or your therapist.
- Try to “get” your kid.
- Avoid the third degree.
- Repair the damage you may have already done.
Moving Forward
You will face a mountain of paperwork, oodles of stress, and have to make hard decisions to create a solid foundation for your family as you transition into a two-home family. Facing all this will not be easy, just as becoming parents wasn’t easy. But, as the two people who brought them into this world, you should do so with grace, honor, and responsibility.
There is much to determine when it comes to the children, and planning it all out in detail will help to ensure all the decisions you make will be kept and honored in the future. The more you do now, the less likely that discrepancies or arguments can pop up later. Divorcing with children isn’t just about the here and now and how you conduct yourself through the process it’s about long-term solutions so you can co-parent with the same amicable intentions for years to come. Remember, you will always be their parents that doesn’t change if and when you’re divorced.
So, as you begin your forward march to a new life, you may need to know some of the legal terms that will pop up. Below is a general guide of commonly used terms to help get you started.
Legal Terms
Custody: (Learn more in this weLife article.)
Child custody describes the legal relationship between a parent and his or her child, giving them the right to make decisions and care for the child. (How is child custody decided?)
A custody order is a court order that deals with custody. Sometimes, an informal custody arrangement, a de facto custody, is arranged after a breakup and the children will live with one parent without a formal legal arrangement. When filing for divorce or legal separation, a custody agreement may be part of a parenting plan and filed with the court.
Joint custody is an arrangement when parents who no longer live together share the care, responsibility, and decision-making for their child. It is also known as shared custody or joint legal custody, and requires a great deal of willing cooperation between co-parents. When a child spends a significant portion of time with each parent, it is joint physical custody. If a child lives primarily with one parent and the other has visitation, the parent with whom the child primarily lives has full physical custody.
Legal custody can be given to one parent, but most states prefer to award joint legal custody, as it is considered in the best interest of the child for parents to make decisions together, if possible.
Sole physical custody can be awarded to one parent, with visitation rights given to the non-custodial parent. But again, it is always the preference of the court to encourage both parents to participate in the child’s upbringing unless a parent is unfit and/or a danger to the child.
Temporary custody is sometimes granted during a separation or divorce, pending a final agreement. Such agreements may start out as temporary, but may become permanent as determined by a court of law.
Split custody is an arrangement where a child lives a greater percentage of time of the year with one parent, and another child lives a greater percentage of time of the year with the other parent. Third-party custody is an arrangement where the child does not live with either biological parent but lives with a third person.
Custody Agreement:
This will be the agreement of how you will share custody, such as joint custody (which is the most common arrangement for divorced parents today). Some common things to consider when creating a custody agreement are:
- Consider your children’s best interest.
- Try and find common ground.
- Be flexible.
- Know your rights.
Parenting Plan:
A parenting plan is an agreement you and your spouse will create that outlines all your decisions concerning your children and how you each will be involved in their lives after the divorce.
Visitation Schedule (or parenting time):
This involves a detailed schedule that will outline day-to-day living arrangements for the children.
Holiday Schedule:
This is a detailed schedule that covers school breaks and holidays that aren’t covered by the Visitation Schedule.
Child Support:
Child support (or child maintenance) is an ongoing payment made by one parent to the other to ensure the standard of living for their children is enjoyed after divorce.
Finding Professional Help
Because of its importance in your child’s life, now and in the future, you may need some help in determining a sound, sustainable plan. Rosalind Sedacca talks openly about depending on family and friends for advice in her article, “Parental Divorce Decisions: Don’t Take Advice From Family and Friends.”
“No one walks in your shoes and has experienced your history. At the same time, most everyone has an agenda, an opinion on what you should or shouldn’t do based on how they see the world. Can your friends and family members, much as they do love you, be sincerely impartial at this time? Can they offer you the best perspective on how to move ahead with your life? Can they provide sound advice about your best options without their message being affected by their own life dramas and frustrations?”
So when making decisions for your family becomes challenging and the two of you find yourself unable to agree on certain issues, you may need help from a trained professional. It’s important to find someone with experience in divorce or separation, such as a therapist, divorce coach, or mediator who can provide an impartial perspective for the benefit of you and your children.
Trust in those who are trained to deal with the stresses of divorce. And trust in yourself and your spouse as parents, knowing what is truly in your children’s best interest as you approach and conquer the process. Erase all those horrible visions of your scarred, disillusioned child of a bad divorce and replace it with a happy, healthy vision of a well-balanced child of an amicable divorce who will look back and see how awesome his or her parents truly were.
