Your 5 Point Plan To Make Everyone Happy
When Michelle McLean was 24 she married a man who had two pre-teen children from a previous marriage. For several years the children would visit every other weekend. Michelle’s stepson was accepting and polite but her stepdaughter was another story. My stepdaughter would sulk, give me dirty looks, [and] mutter horrible things,” said Michelle, a writer from Utah.
After three years of animosity, matters got out of hand. When she was 15 she came to stay with us for a couple months in the summer. I left for a week to visit my family and when I came back, I discovered that she had carved “I Hate Michelle” into all of the candles in my bathroom.”
There’s no doubt about it: being a stepparent is tough. What other family title is “ fictionally or otherwise “ constantly introduced with the word wicked”? Stepparents face an uphill battle finding stability with their spouse’s children. From gift-giving to disciplinary action, the role of a stepparent is murky for many. For others, it is a nightmare.
Stepparents need to take a deep breath and realize that building healthy relationships with their spouse’s children will be slow. Rules need to be hammered out, family discussions must be clear, and children must be provided with a supportive environment. Stepparents must never feel that these tasks are solely their burden; parents need to work as a team.
Put a lot of thought into setting up a new home and how the home is run,” says Brenda Rodstrom, a licensed therapist from New York and the founder of Stepfamily Dynamics and Coaching. Rodstrom cautions that in many families new rules and new ways of doing things are not thought out well. Confusion runs rampant. People want to know who is in charge and what the game plan is. So, the couple needs to sit down and discuss, alone, how the household will function, who does what chores, do cell phones come to the dinner table, etc. These then need to be communicated to everyone – preferably at the same time.”
Boston-based writer Sean Connell’s parents divorced when he was two. By the time he was in first grade, both parents had remarried. Both my step-parents turned out to be wonderful people,” he says, noting that good parenting skills were present right from the beginning. Neither of my new step-parents ever insisted on being called “mom” or “dad” but the rules were clear: when in their house, in terms of authority and such, that’s the role they had.”
Stepparents should not shy away from becoming an authority figure for fear of gaining the stigma of the wicked stepmother. Susan Newman, stepparent, social psychologist and author of “The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It “ and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever” is confident that strong, authoritative stepparents can build healthy relationships in their new families.
Nobody likes new rules particularly when they require more effort than you’ve been used to: more baths, more helping, fewer food choices at meals and so forth. As soon as possible is the time to begin making the changes.”
How much and what a stepparent does will be dependent of course on the children’s ages. With younger children, a stepparent will need to have authority as if s/he were the parent.”
For most step-parents, this is significant: only about 8 percent of children in the U.S. are younger than 6 at the time of their parent’s remarriage; the bulk, about two-thirds, are older than 12. Younger children are more likely to accept a stepparent while older or adolescent children who have tasted independence are likely to challenge efforts to their routines.
The child-rearing guidelines that most people learn growing up with two biological parents often do not apply in stepfamilies. This is especially true in the case of adolescents,” says Michael D. Zentman, director of the Postgraduate Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy at Adelphi University. Dr. Zentman urges stepparents not to assume the disciplinary powers or abilities of a biological parent and warns that attempts to do so will fail.
Teenagers do not, and should not be expected to, honor parental authority from a stepmother or stepfather that came onto the scene after they already reached adolescence. The best advice is to have the biological parent assume all disciplinary responsibilities. The stepparent should support the biological parent’s decisions but cannot set the rules nor mete out the punishment.”
Strong bonds of loyalty between children and biological parents can also cause conflict. In a new home, children may feel as if the stepparent is attempting to airbrush their biological parent from the family history. Less than two months after her mother died from cancer, Marian Perera’s father began dating. Three months later he had remarried. He moved [his wife] into the same apartment he and my mother had lived in. She used the same pots in the kitchen, kept her cosmetics on the same dresser and slept in the same bed. I couldn’t even bring myself to look into that bedroom, much less interact with her.”
Dr. Zentman notes that children will often create an idealized image of their deceased parent. Any effort made to challenge these views will be met with strong hostility. Dr. Zentman advises that the best role model a stepparent can provide in this situation is one of complete acceptance and respect for how the child feels.”
FIVE TIPS FOR STEPPARENTS
As a step-parent, it is highly likely you will experience rejection “ that’s no reason to stop your efforts at getting close to the kids. The National Stepfamily Resource Center points out that it is hard to accept that sometimes we are willing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a relationship with us.” However, you are an adult and you will have to try harder than a child.
2. Don’t move too fast.
Slow and steady wins this race. You will not gain a child’s respect by establishing strict curfews on the day you move in, nor will you win undying devotion or love by forcing them to call you mom” or dad”. The National Stepfamily Resource Center advises approaching stepfamily relationships with minimal and realistic expectations. In this way, stepparents may then be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes more time than [they] anticipated.” Don’t expect instant gratification; this is a new family, not cup-a-soup.
3. Talk to your spouse.
Marriage is a partnership and the welfare of children is paramount to any family. You and your spouse need to be on the same page. Dr. David Fassler, Clinical Professor at the University of Vermont points out that kids tend to do best when there is ongoing communication, cooperation, and coordination between their parents around limits, rules, and expectations. In general, such consistency provides the stability and security kids need to promote resiliency following a divorce.”
4. Put yourself in the child’s shoes.
Introducing a step-parent usually means introducing other new family members. Siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and extended family can all make up a complex and confusing web of relationships. Be patient as the children deal with this information. Marsha Temlock advises being someone your child can turn to. Be a trusted listener. Be a comforter. In addition, if possible, be an optimist.”
5. Experience new and fun things together.
Strong families have shared experiences and memories. Until you begin this process with your stepchildren it will be impossible to solidify your bonds. Brenda Rodstrom is confident that a new family needs to find common interests. Sports, movies, community activities, politics, the environment – and then have some fun!”
Dave Bolster is a writer based in Kansas City. He was an elementary school teacher for five years and often writes on education issues. He is currently working on his second book about his travels in China.
