Book Offers Emotional, Legal Tips to Help You Get through your Divorce
When Deborah Moskovitch emerged from her divorce and rebuilt her life while juggling the responsibilities of a working mother, she found that many people were still lost and confused as they struggled through their own divorce.
Moskovitch realized that people needed confirmation about what they were about to face and guidance as to how they could overcome their fears and anxieties as they worked through the divorce process and get on with their lives.
Moskovitch gathered expert tips and strategies from one-hundred top divorce lawyers, financial advisers, and counselors and compiled them into one book. The expert information she provides helps readers manage the divorce process with focus, hope, and confidence.Sitting down with Wevorce.com, Moskovitch shared some of her strategies and talked with us about “The Smart Divorce.”
Wevorce.com: What exactly is a “smart divorce”?
A: With a smart divorce, you realize that the pain of divorce can be lessened dramatically by properly handling the competing emotional and legal sides of divorce.And, that you deal with the emotional side of divorce outside of the legal system.If you are able to do this then you are more likely to gain perspective on your legal options early on; this will assist you in making informed decisions, protect you from the damage that uncontrolled emotions can cause; and guide you in meeting your children’s best interest.I’ve developed an acronym for being SMART about divorce:
State your goals and objective at the beginning.Make sure these are realistic.
Maximize your information and knowledge base.
Avoid reacting to your emotions.
Retain the best possible divorce team your budget allows.
Treat your divorce as a business transaction.
Wevorce.com: What advice would you offer people in or beginning a divorce?
A: It is critical that you deal with your emotions and understand the grieving process.I know I might sound repetitive by talking about emotions, however, many people do not think clearly at the beginning of the divorce process and end up making their decisions based on emotions rather than fact. When their file is closed and they try to move on, they are stuck” because they are angry at the decisions they made.I suggest you slow down, understand the divorce process in as much detail as possible, choose your lawyer carefully and put your children’s best interests first.
Wevorce.com: In your book you mention two separate divorces; a legal divorce” and an emotional divorce”. How would you define those?
A: The emotional divorce” is understanding the emotions your are experiencing during divorce and if you don’t compartmentalize these emotions and deal with them separately outside of the legal system, you are in danger of making the wrong legal and financial decisions.Many of the dynamics that are part of the emotional divorce include: the shame and blame game where by you lash out and blame your spouse for the position you are in.If not managed properly, some will try to use the law to gain revenge and show who is to blame.
Divorce in most states and provinces is no fault”, meaning the reasons behind the divorce don’t matter. In divorce, you will not get revenge; all you will get are more legal bills, not a vindication of what you felt you are owed.As part of the emotional divorce, many people are grieving the end of their marriage.The ending of your marriage and subsequent grief include many losses that you probably thought would never happen such as: the loss of your identity as a couple; the loss of your children 24/7; the loss of your family as you knew it; the loss of your social life as a couple and so on.You can see that the list can be quite significant.
Grieving is a three part process, with each phase having its own intense period of mourning.For many, it would start out as protest or denial “ you want to experience a diminishing love.It’s a phase in which your mind cannot accept something that you’re going to have to accept.Once you’ve arrived at acceptance, then many feel depressed and/or angry. It means that many experience feelings of revenge, of wanting your spouse to pay for this decision. It also forces you to think, ok, I’m in this position, I’m going to make it through, not sure how, but I don’t have a choice.”And, lastly, sadness and resolution. You find yourself thinking What am I going to do?” The thought of divorce just stings you; it no longer knocks you off your feet.
Whereas the legal divorce” is about the law. The legal bottom line is that divorce dissolves a marriage through a legal transaction with accompanying financial arrangements.In other words, it is a business transaction.The reason divorce is not that straightforward is if these two divorces” are not managed separately, the emotions get in the way and can derail the legal process.
Wevorce.com: What are some of the alternatives to therapy for coping with divorce?
A: People deal with crises in their lives in different ways.Some people need to talk it out with a professional.Others do not have the time, resources or inclination to do so. The important thing is that you have to acknowledge your feelings.Recognize that this is emotional time for you.If you ignore your emotions at this time, at some point the emotions of the experience you are facing now will surface and could cause you problems and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatives to therapy can include journaling your thoughts and/or reading self help books.You might want to consider developing your support network of clergy, friends, support groups or a divorce consultant.
Wevorce.com: There are so many options and methods to divorce. How does your book help sort out the many divorce options and help us make an educated decision?
A: “The Smart Divorce” provides an in-depth analysis of all of the dispute resolutions from many perspectives, as I conducted interviews withmore than100 divorces experts, and their opinions are woven throughout the book. I also discuss considerations when evaluating the divorce options and the many questions you would want to discuss with your lawyer and other professionals. What makes my book unique is that there are varied opinions from many professionals.
The reader is provided with a detailed analysis as to how to evaluate and consider the options as to what might work best for them and the questions to consider when consulting with legal counsel and other professionals involved.There many good books about divorce in the market, but they only offer one perspective, that of the writer.Again, “The Smart Divorce” offers a myriad of advice from over 100 renowned experts that the average reader would not be able to access.
Wevorce.com: You mention that the advice of friends and family can sometimes be like a phantom board of directors”. How can this impact both the legal divorce and the emotional divorce?
A: For the most part, your friends and family are well meaning.However, they can’t know what your best interest is from a legal standpoint. Most everyone around you will have an opinion about the outcome of your settlement, and you may be pushed to do something different from what your lawyer is telling you.Friends and family have likely heard and read about the outcomes of other people’s divorces, and they often expect the process to work the same for you. But every case has its own set of particulars that your advisory board” is not aware of; nor are they informed about the law. Another difficulty might be that your family and friends have their own agendas. They could be angry or fearful for you and offer you advice that is intended to be helpful, but is actually quite destructive.
Wevorce.com: Picking the right lawyer can often be an exhaustive and difficult experience. How does your book help shed some light on this critical decision?
A: “The Smart Divorce” explains in details how to look for a lawyer, the many things to consider, the questions to ask and then how to evaluate this information.Again, it is a discussion based on interviews with a large panel of lawyers so the information provided is very comprehensive and discusses how to make this experience less intimating, costly and provide results.
Wevorce.com: Moving on after the divorce is a difficult process. In your book you mention how people should develop a third story” about their divorce. Can you tell us what the third story” is?
A: The concept is about letting go of his story” and her story” to arrive at the third story” about the divorce. The idea is to help partners uncouple in a more amicable way by having each spouse do a little soul-searching about how they contributed to the problems that resulted in divorce, taking some responsibility for the marriage breakdown, and letting go of blame. This helps them to revise the story they are telling about their breakup to find a new story that isn’t about blame and rehashing the past but instead is one that leads them into the future where they can release each other.
Wevorce.com: How does “The Smart Divorce” differ from past divorce guides?
A: “The Smart Divorce” provides a comprehensive understanding of the divorce process from many different points of view. It includes my personal experience though the divorce process but, what makes this unique, well respected and highly recommended reading is the significant research I have woven in throughout from personal interviews I conducted the leading divorce professionals across North America.Their strategies and tips to get through the process intact and ways to move on are shared throughout. There is not one book with so many perspectives from so many well respected individuals under one cover and, it is written in an easy to read format.
Wevorce.com: What are the three most important things you hope people would take away from your book?
A: The three most important things that people need to know are 1. Manage your emotions outside of the legal system. 2. Arm yourself with as much education and information as possible, and 3. Put your children’s best interest first.
“The Smart Divorce” is available wherever books are sold across North America at most popular book stores, amazon.com, and many other popular webseller book sites.
