Ever read the book Zoom by Istvan Banyai? Actually, the question should be, “Ever looked at the book Zoom by Istvan Banyai?” It is a children’s picture book about perspective, and how sometimes, when you are right up close to something, you just may not be getting the whole picture. Divorce can be like that. Sometimes, when you are right in the middle of breaking something up, it may be really hard to step back and see the whole picture.
There is another children’s book called I Don’t Want To Talk About It, by Jeanie Franz Ransom. The story is about a little girl’s struggle with her fears about the big D word. The images of wanting to revert to the behavior of different animals to deal with her feelings is a sensitive and gentle way to open a conversation about tough feelings.
Another good book is I Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. It helps children remember that the love of a parent for a child is forever, no matter what. This is a good reminder that no matter which way you choose to divorce your spouse, there are some things you will still need to sort out together maybe for the rest of your lives when you have kids. How you begin and end this divorce process can be a significant turning point in the rest of your family’s life.
Why discuss mediation with references to children’s picture books? Because mediation is all about perspective and talking about difficult feelings. Sometimes, when feelings are raw, our brains just refuse to engage and it’s easier to look at pictures and talk about animal behavior than to look at the person you have been married to and talk about breaking things apart. So, if there is a downside to mediation, it is when participants are forced to deal with things like perspective and feelings, which can be uncomfortable and even painful.
But of course, with divorce there is no avoiding dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Here is where mediation shines. Stepping back far enough to get perspective is what a good mediator can help you achieve. Just as most teenagers exhibit some challenging behaviors as they are working their way toward leaving the nest, couples considering divorce sometimes move past the point of struggle and start to exhibit behaviors that are all about distancing themselves from the relationship. Not always both individuals, but at least one of them.
The disappointment of not being able to maintain the marital vows is much like the disappointment children feel when they realize they cannot stay in the safe nest forever. The difference is that children are naturally supposed to grow up and be more independent, while couples have made a commitment to each other that is intended, by the nature of marriage, to co-mingle their dependence on one another. Yet so many times, the behavior of two adults going through divorce seems to revert to the same defiance and conflict as that often seen during the teenage years. Stepping back in mediation can help gain perspective and stabilize feelings of disappointment, while honoring the journey two people have been on together.
Mediation can also help to create a space where difficult feelings are safely expressed as a couple struggles to define what they want next. It is a neutral zone where feelings are not facts, and structure is designed to help both people move forward, through their feelings, without getting bogged down. Such an experience can leave a couple feeling they have done the best they could, that they do not have to be ashamed, and that their lives apart can be just another step in their life journey not a giant brick wall. Honesty and willingness are required at the mediation table. Again, as with the jump from teen years to adulthood, the life each person is heading into may have some ups and downs, but what they do with this process of distinguishing themselves as separate and apart can make a difference in how they feel about the rest of their lives. Sometimes, talking about how animals deal with hurt and surprise and disappointment, even if it is somewhat imaginary, is a slightly whimsical and gentle way to enter this difficult conversation about feelings.
Good mediation includes well thought-out ways to start discussions and hold people to their best and bravest ability to speak up, as well as their best ability to listen and make peace. Mediation has other benefits, too. If there has been interpersonal violence or other criminal behavior during the marriage that led to injuries or intervention by authorities like the police, then sometimes people feel safer having someone speak for them. There are skilled mediators who work in the field of criminal justice mediation who have the training and skills to help a couple with such underlying concerns.
If there is a personality disorder or mental health condition which makes it unreasonable or impractical for both parties to sit together and discuss issues, then it might also be worthwhile to get some help from someone who can research the best way to handle the specific issues, and represent those issues to the appropriate authorities and/or the court.
It is important to know that there are always options, and to study those options carefully before pursuing an action plan.
