Infidelity: From Media to Cubicle, Many American Marriages Affected by Affairs
As a society, it seems, we have cheating on our minds. In recent years, famous cheaters have included Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Bill Cosby, Jack Welch, Prince Charles, Frank Gifford, Kobe Bryant, Paula Zahn, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Gary Condit, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, and a randy group of Desperate Housewives. Has adultery been mainstreamed? Is the concept of ‘forsaking all others until death do you part’ just a quaint relic of an idyllic past that never was?
To find out, researchers have been investigating the number of marriages affected by infidelity and the resulting statistics vary widely. A University of Chicago study found that in any given year, four to six percent of marriages experience infidelity, with 25 percent of all marriages affected by the pain adultery sometime during the life of the marriage. The University of Michigan’s General Social Survey discovered that 15 percent of those who were married at the time of survey had had at least one other partner besides their spouse.
After reviewing 25 studies, the late psychologist Shirley Glass, known as “the godmother of infidelity research,” concluded that 44 percent of husbands and 25 percent of wives had broken their marriage vows. Although the studies point to between 15 and 44 percent, no one really knows how many marriages have been affected by adultery. “These figures are hard to research because there is so much secrecy,” says Dr. Don-David Lusterman, author of Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide. “Whatever the actual figure is, it’s fair to say that a significant percentage of American marriages have been affected by the pain of infidelity.”
SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
Discovering their spouse has gone outside the marriage for sexual or emotional fulfillment often makes the betrayed spouse ask, “What’s wrong with me?” While a sense of failure is common among betrayed spouses, researchers have discovered that the conventional wisdom that affairs are about inadequacies in the spouse or failures in the marriage is often wrong. One of Dr. Glass’ findings, based on her clinical research in Baltimore, Maryland, was that the majority of men who have affairs characterized their marriages, including their sex life, as ”happy” or ”very happy.”
“I’m not saying that a bad marriage won’t make you vulnerable [to an affair],” Dr. Glass wrote in her 2003 book, NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. “I’m saying that’s not the only thing that can make you vulnerable. A lot of people who see themselves as loving and devoted can find themselves in this dilemma.”
Living in the midst of a media culture that celebrates sex without commitment or consequence sends a message that everyone is doing it, so why not? Our children are especially vulnerable to this message. A RAND Corporation study published in the September 2004 issue of Pediatrics found that sex on television strongly influences youth between the ages of 12-17 to have sex. The kids who watched the most sex were almost twice as likely to engage in sexual activities as the kids who watched the least amount.
With Nielsen statistics showing that Desperate Housewives is the most popular broadcast network program for kids age 9-12, the cultural message being passed down to our children is that cheating is an everyday experience. So, while people may wish to be loving and devoted to their spouses, there is less and less cultural support to consider monogamy as part of that loving devotion.
LOVE AMONG CUBICLE DWELLERS
Among the societal factors that have led to an increase in infidelity is the presence of more women in the workforce. When she shows up for work, she’s usually looking pretty good. The hair is great, the makeup is terrific, and the clothes are sharp. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, it’s sweat suits, bad hair days, and razor stubble rule. That dude in the sports jacket and tie Monday through Friday may very well be a weekend couch potato in a torn t-shirt who scratches his crotch with one hand while operating the remote with the other.
Besides looking much hotter than they do in their real life, coworkers are also not arguing with you about who’s making the mortgage payment this month or why your kid did so poorly on his last report card. Instead, you’re enjoying a sense of camaraderie and shared war stories. That kind of juice leads to emotional intimacy. And that kind of emotional intimacy can lead to an affair.
“Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs. The observed increase in women’s infidelity is because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men,” Dr. Glass wrote with Jean C. Staeheli in NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.
So, if you’re feeling like your spouse is just a little too cozy with a co-worker, how do you know if you’re just being paranoid or if it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee? According to Dr. Glass, the elements that determine whether a relationship should be considered an affair are: emotional intimacy, sharing secrets; sexual attraction or chemistry, even if these are not acted upon physically. Dr. Glass believes that even if these intense relationships did not lead to sex they are a threat to marriages and part of what she terms ”the new crisis of infidelity.”
The reason, she says, is that the emotional intimacy with the friend gradually, almost invisibly, supplants that with the spouse. “It’s this sense of being displaced that the betrayed spouse senses and anguishes over, often long before they know their spouse is cheating on them.”
FILLING UP THE VOID
Whether the affair is emotional or physical, Dr. Lusterman’s clinical research has shown that affairs are can also be about a deficit in the marriage as well as a deficit in the cheater. “People become disheartened about the marriage. So, they engage in an illusion that someone else will meet their needs,” he says.
When the affair is about a problem in the marriage, Dr. Lusterman believes the couple can work things through and come out with a stronger, more honest marriage. But, not every marriage can be rebuilt. Dr. Lusterman’s research has shown that infidelity that’s driven by a deep inner void in the cheater is difficult to change. “There are personality-disordered individuals who go out on the hunt,” he said in a phone interview. “They see themselves as Don Juans. They’re so empty inside that without getting their score, they feel dead. It has nothing to do with love or sex, it’s about getting filled up.”
While many marriages have been devastated by adultery, not everyone is doing it. According to Professor Kaye Wellings’ study Sexual Behavior in Context: A Global Perspective, sexual behavior data from 59 countries shows monogamy is the dominant pattern in most regions of the world, including the U. S. So, while our society may have cheating on our minds, somewhere, in our heart of hearts, most of us are romantics who carry the flame for our one and only.
