Saving Marriage: What Can I Do to Stop my Spouse from Forcing Me into Talking?
Q: My husband of two years simply does not get me. I’m going through a very stressful time right now in graduate school studies and job search efforts, which I DO NOT want to talk about in detail with him or anyone because it increases my stress. He especially does not understand the hoops I have to jump through in a very political graduate environment filled with nuances and unspoken requirements. His attempts to be helpful are futile at best though I appreciate his thoughtfulness and tell him so often.
Though I say I don’t want to talk about it in detail, he insists. Though I tell him my needs for him to just spend more time with me instead of working 13 or 14 hours a day, he ignores them or pacifies me for a couple of days. Though I ask him to give me some time and space to calm down and collect my thoughts when I’m upset, he follows me around the house “forcing” me to talk before I’m ready.
If he feels something is best for me, then it must be regardless of my own thoughts about my needs. My marriage sucks, and I want to just run away and not look back, but I do feel this dutiful obligation to my husband.
Is divorce inevitable? Right now I feel destined to live in misery.
A: Wow! I empathize with you first of all.I feel your pain loud and clear.It appears that either your husband is naïve, or has a thick skull, or is unusually stubborn, or has a self-centered way of approaching your needs.
In any case, the end-result of feeling misunderstood and I imagine dismissed is the same for you, and judging him harshly will likely be unhelpful. He probably has good intentions of connecting with you, or comforting you in some way, but his methodology is flawed. With only two years of marriage under your belt, it is often the case that spouses do not “get each other.”
Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone though it may often feel that way. Quite frankly, many people may still live as single people long after marriage. The reality of coming out of your comfort zone and making decisions with someone else’s interest in mind does not kick in just because you have had a ceremony. Before you guys do irreparable damage, I recommend you get in couple’s therapy right away and do some reading to help educate you on this thing called marriage.
I suggest “Boundaries in Marriage” by Townsend and Cloud and :For Men Only and For Women Only” by Feldhan. Consider reading the books together as a demonstration of joint effort and a desire to pursue mutual understanding.
